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I'm faded

Man, I know lately it's been a struggle for me, with so many things that keep piling up and piling up on the depression (watching my fandom get eaten alive, constantly getting confronted with these people who hate my fic/me and the really shitty things they say, my pain levels getting worse and worse and no real way out of it, that feeling like everything's falling apart in slo-mo and I don't have anyone left in my life to help me put the brakes on, they're all dead), but I wasn't expecting to have a guest lecture tip me over the edge into full meltdown mode yesterday. I don't know how people who teach for a living do it. My hat is off to you. Seriously. Especially people who teach adult learners who act like they actively don't want to learn.

I used to teach in the editing program at the University of Washington, but I can't say I ever enjoyed it, though there was always a rock star student or two who made it feel worthwhile; then the program wanted to make my optional practicum course mandatory and I was like, nope, not enough spoons, too busy with paying jobs (the sheer volume of work it would have entailed at the laughable compensation they were giving me was ridiculous), and ended up creating a one-day proofreading workshop through the program instead. I really enjoyed that so much more, despite the constant fucking-up the program support staff did on it, and the people who took it seemed to mostly enjoy it and get a lot of useful information. Then the U decided to not offer it, without telling me or involving me in the decision, and so now I just do guest lectures on some of the stuff I used to teach in the practicum at the now-mandatory class. I went a few weeks ago to the first of the spring classes--two different units, one in a.m. and one in p.m., and then the second set yesterday.

And they're completely black and white: what I'm talking about is kind of boring and unpleasant, building an editing career stuff, so I try to make it funny and engaging and lively, and the morning crowd both times was enthusiastic, engaged, laughing at all my jokes, asking lots of questions. Thanking me afterward for coming. The afternoon crowd is…well, dead, my friend who runs the class called it, but it felt almost hostile both times. They sat there unmoving, staring at me, even a couple who had resting hate face maybe but they seemed like they were glaring, unresponsive, never laughed or even smiled except one lone woman, and had no questions. Either time, not a single question. Both times this guy sat sort of right in front of me so I couldn't avoid him in the sight line and he never moved once, just sat there staring at me with what felt like contempt, it was downright creepy.

And something about that just made all this other stuff (and there's a lot of it, not just those things I mentioned) just implode inside me and it was a struggle not to come home and buy a package of double stuff Oreos and a carton of Ho-Hos and a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi and maybe a bottle of vodka and eat until I barfed myself into a coma (I didn't though). I don't even know why that was the final straw, but it just…ugh. And then reading this constant attack on characters I love in the Cap-verse made me wander around the house wringing my hands and urgently texting people my anguish, who couldn't respond because they have, you know, a life.

I have to get the energy/motivation to work on a VVC premieres vid but I'm at sea about what to do with it; I feel like the last couple vids I've made have been pretty abject failures. I came out of Winter Soldier with at least 12 story ideas and a burning desire to write; the closing of the canon in Civil War makes me not even want to finish the unwritten things I have, though I'm officially signed up for the Stucky Big Bang and have sent in my summary, so I have to do that.

Maybe I should take a page out of [personal profile] sholio's book, which is always a good book to take from: Send me a prompt with Captain America-verse characters and I'll write at least a 100-word ficlet for you in comments. I can't promise it'll be right away, and I can't promise to do all of them (especially if it's not in my wheelhouse) but I'll do my best with my admittedly limited spoons right now.


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May. 15th, 2016 09:13 pm (UTC)
Sorry on everything that's going on. I'm sorry to hear that fandom is shitty right now. I'm not involved enough that I generally have a clue.

I've taught, and yeah, it can be thankless if the class isn't good. *hugs* But it sounds like a great job from you regardless, and the knowledge they gain can't always be measured in the moment, esp if they have crappy attitudes.

I love your vids, btw!

If you want prompts for drabbles: Steve/Bucky post-WS, where Steve (and Sam?) is in trouble, T'Challa decides to help and to unfreeze Bucky as backup

Jun. 11th, 2016 06:02 am (UTC)
Oh thanks for the idea! I will have to think on that one... :D
May. 15th, 2016 11:24 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry things are so lousy right now--in work life and in fandom. :(

That afternoon class situation sounds really creepy/bizarre. It's one thing to not want to take a mandatory class, but to be dicks about it is uncalled for.

A prompt? How about Steve breaking everyone out of the Raft? I haven't seen too many stories about that.
May. 15th, 2016 11:28 pm (UTC)
Steve misses Bucky too much and wakes him up like two days later. Bonus points if nightmares are involved.
May. 16th, 2016 12:40 am (UTC)
I'm sorry the class is so stressful! For what it's worth, I've noticed that whenever I had to train groups of people for the afternoon or night shifts, they were the toughest crowd. I think they are just plain tired. Anyway, I don't think it's you, it really is on them.

And you don't have to write me anything, but in case you loved that tiny moment as much as I did: what if Steve and Bucky's meeting in that Bucharest apartment is a little longer? what does Steve notice about the room? what does Bucky say or do? I simply felt like I wasn't show enough, or was shown too quickly in the movie.
May. 16th, 2016 09:33 am (UTC)
I taught for 18 months and - between a few obnoxious kids and a lot of obnoxious teachers - that was all I could take.
Jun. 11th, 2016 06:08 am (UTC)
Yeah, I mean, it's rewarding when you see a student do well or you have some great students in a class but wow when it's a group like that it's just...bleh. Not worth it for a small amount of money.
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