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I'm trying to take Greg Lake's Christmas song's line to heart this year. I've been really battling the sads this year. The other day was the anniversary of Dad's death, and I am really missing him this year, more than last year because I was still trying to process his death and working on a big book. Now I'm realizing how alone and lonely I feel and I can't call him and wish him either a Merry Christmas or a happy birthday, which comes 2 days after Christmas.

And I was telling someone yesterday how big of a deal Christmas always was in my house. My sister, especially, made it quite the deal, and extravagant gift-giving was her raison d'etre, so we were always competing with each other to see who could lavish the other twin with the best gifts. It's so weird to have an empty tree that a couple years ago I wrapped up empty boxes because I couldn't stand it. Hey, it works for retail, right? And the few friends I do have don't do gifts, so there's not that excitement level I always had with my family about having something to open. It's not the getting so much as the opening.

We had out little whacky white elephant gift game at the local fan bash Saturday and I came away empty-handed. For some reason, that made me feel even worse than I already did -- like, shit, I don't even deserve white elephants. I'm trying to deserve a better holiday by donating and doing things for other people, the one thing that does always make me feel better, but it doesn't seem to be working this year.

The holidays are really not that joyous an occasion for most people. It seems like amost everyone I know just dreads them.

I hope Yuletide will cheer me up -- it will if my recipient is happy, I think. Hope. That always gives me the most glee -- when someone gets a story they feel really fit the bill. I have all my fingers crossed that it does.

One good piece of news, though -- [personal profile] black_bird_777 is going to adopt Buffy! I have been getting increasingly depressed about her chances to find a forever home because so many people act like they're going to do it, but then they don't. She's such a sweetheart, and has so much love to give, that it's hard to see her passed over. She fell totally in love with black_bird and her partner when she stayed with them one day I had to be away the whole day, and I think this will be awesome. I get to see her whenever I want to! I never get to see my foster dogs, so now having my last dog down the street and my current dog at my friend's house -- that will just be truly wonderful.

Speaking of which, I think it's time for her evening walk and to go look at the holiday lights around the neighborhood.


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Dec. 25th, 2012 05:29 am (UTC)
I want to call my Dad all the time, too. :(

Dec. 25th, 2012 08:44 am (UTC)
Great news about Buffy! I love that Greg Lake song ... but it would be a very different world if everyone got the Christmas they deserved.
Dec. 26th, 2012 05:46 am (UTC)
Merry Christmas and many ::hugs::
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