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Before | After

Off to Southern California

I'm leaving with [personal profile] black_bird_777 for San Diego on Wednesday, and we're down there till Friday, when we head up to LA for Escapade. I positively loathed the hotel last year, so I wanted to minimize my time there, which means I'll miss a fair amount of Friday but I kind of don't have a lot I'm excited about anyway, so it's mostly seeing people.

I'm bringing my laptop with me so I can write, though I'm having a lot of trouble overcoming both the difficulty I'm having with this story I had to stop in the middle of for Yuletide and overcoming the worthless, hopeless feeling of why bother writing, or creating anything, really. I thought about setting everything up for my premiering vid so I could just make it live after the show, but then I just thought what difference does it make if it's Sunday or Tuesday, it's not like anyone would give a shit. So it gives me a little more time to tweak it; I wasn't completely happy with the vid I submitted to the con so I'm messing a little bit with clips still (and still not happy).

I have also been really battling the depression that comes at this time of year for me--because the con is later this year, it comes at exactly the time sis_r was dying, and I had thought I was emotionally ready to go back to San Diego, but I had forgotten that it was the ten-year anniversary of her death this month. It seems like just yesterday to me, it's every bit as acute and my dreams and flashbacks are every bit as horrible as they were then. I can't really believe that it's been ten years since I lost her, and I still have no more idea how to live as a solo twin now as I did then. So I planned badly--being back in San Diego was maybe not a great idea, or who knows, maybe it will be cathartic. It's hard to imagine right now.

We're staying at a hotel right on Pacific Beach, which was a place I spent a lot of time with sis_r at. In fact the only time black_bird's been there was when she and I went down to have dinner on Pacific Beach with my sister. But that means there will be surfers and puppies and hot men and women wandering around, and that's yay.

Anyway, I do have a panel on Saturday at 11 a.m., and if you're into Captain America, you should come. I have no idea yet what I want to talk about, but I figure if all it is is me going, Let me tell you about my FEELS for Bucky Barnes to maybe one or two people and we just weep crystalline tears, that's okay. This is the panel description:

Let’s talk about the biggest fandom of 2014 and the riches it gave us--the epic and tragic nearly century-long love between Steve and Bucky, the introduction of Sam into Steve’s life, Steve’s developing relationship with Natasha, or anything else we love about Cap2 (and Cap1, of course!).


Please come talk with me so I don't sit there like a sad little robot.

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destina
Mar. 3rd, 2015 06:47 am (UTC)
Just stopping quickly to send you love! And some virtual hugs, which don't really substitute for the real kind, but still. I got your email before I left for work and it was SO HELPFUL and thoughtful, and I will answer that tomorrow. But in the meantime, just wanted to say, sending good thoughts your way.
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