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Before | After

Huh... Vividcon

It's really hard to believe that next week I'm leaving for VVC. I can't believe it's time. I alternate between wishing I wasn't going and needing to go very badly so I can hug some people. It's just very, very hard to conceive of going without Sandy. There have been times we took the same flight, even, her and Rache, and that that wasn't even a possibility, let alone of seeing what she would wear to Club Vivid or hearing what she'd say at vid review, makes this so... I don't even know what the word for it is. I have a pretty big vocabulary, but I have no idea what word could describe this situation.

Every day, it's stepping through life like it's all normal out there, but I am just so, so desperately sad and so deeply pissed off. And I'm not even as close to Sandy as many. Was close to. It's hard to get the verbs right. I have a room alone this year and I have a bad feeling I'll be in it too much, feeling lonely and sad. I'm bringing my laptop with me for the first time ever, so it'll be easy to shut myself off with the internets, but I hope I can spend some time with people I haven't seen for a few years. Well, as you can see, my head is all over the place.

I'm getting my hair color today and a trim, and I want to do something really different, like some color stripes. Maybe blue or purple. I suppose on a woman of my age it's ridiculous, and I have to bleach my hair which kind of makes me ill, but I seem to go through these things when something bad happens. When Dad was on hospice, I kept thinking of going on a huge, really insanely expensive cruise through the Mediterranean or to Australia, and if he hadn't got better, I might very well have. Which is crazy because I am somewhat afraid of being on deep water -- in my defense, OK, I saw Jaws and the Poseidon Adventure at a deeply impressionable age and was terrified of being stranded in an upturned ship in the middle of shark-infested waters ("Eleven hundred men went into the water, 316 come out") or freezing to death or drowning. (And of course, I saw Poseidon more than a few times in the theatre, since I had a huge crush on Gene Hackman in that -- now there was a priest you could dream of defrocking!) After sis_r died, I constantly thought of getting a tattoo, which... I have freakishly sensitive skin and the idea of that kind of pain is abhorrent to me, yet I thought about it all the time.

But I digress. I didn't get a CVV outfit or anything. I just couldn't find the excitement or energy. I have a fabulous vid show that will run on Friday (Riot Grrls: Women in Action), but it's tinged with melancholy for me because part of what motivated me to put it together was the love I shared with Sandy over strong, kick-ass female characters. A couple of the vids in the show are ones I discovered in one of her vid shows, in fact. It's still going to be a great vid show, though, and you should come watch it -- I have two premiering vids in it, and have found some wonderful, wonderful female action hero vids with a great balance of contemplative and quiet with fast and furious. At vid karaoke, I will be singing Crush Story, if anyone would like to join me -- I just hope I don't cry in the middle of it.

I will have all day Thursday open (I'm coming in very late Wed. night) and not really know what to do with myself. I was hoping to see my friend who lives there, but she is on vacation with her family, and I haven't heard from someone else I would love to see. Me and heat are unmixy, so the idea of hiking to the el station and going into town kind of overwhelms me, and I'd like to go on the museum field trip some folks are going on, but I know I won't have the energy. ([personal profile] spasticat, are you around next week?)

Now I need to work on fixing up my two premiering vids so I can upload them after the con. I can't believe the whole summer has gone by without me doing that.

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Comments

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kerithwyn
Aug. 6th, 2011 09:25 pm (UTC)
I vote for the blue because hey, why not? It will be deeply appropriate for VVC.

Come over tomorrow, I wish to *hug* you in person.
deejay
Aug. 6th, 2011 10:05 pm (UTC)
I'll be in on Wednesday, and also have a solo room (so I can go nap whenever I need to). Maybe can get together for breakfast Thursday morning?

*hugs go here*

P.S. Go with the pretty blue hair.
gwyn_r
Aug. 7th, 2011 06:52 pm (UTC)
Re:
You know, for ages I've wanted to try that pancakes place up the way on Higgins, that's close to the Dominick's, which I have to go to anyway. The breakfast at the hotel is over too early for me a lot of times, and I'd rather have pammers anyway. What would you think of that? The heat won't bother you, probably, since you're more tolerant than I am... and maybe you could make sure I don't pass out.
deejay
Aug. 7th, 2011 10:12 pm (UTC)
Oh, that place is awesome. And any Dominick's run is always cool. *g*
kassto
Aug. 6th, 2011 11:02 pm (UTC)
Your passion and pain are things I can very much identify with...
kirbyfest
Aug. 7th, 2011 01:30 am (UTC)
In wish I could see you, and give you a hug.
greenpear
Aug. 7th, 2011 06:34 pm (UTC)

And I'd like to thank you again for asking me for my vid for your show.

Have a great time...

raveninthewind
Aug. 10th, 2011 04:08 am (UTC)
Looking forward to seeing your vids, and the vid show. jescaflowne and I are flying in on Thursday around dinner time.
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