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Before | After

Today was a very bad day. I spent most of it up at the hospice center where Snady is right now. When I saw her on Tuesday, she was able to watch what I have so far of the remaster of Hair, and it made her really happy; I also told her about the media cannibals web site greensilver is building for us. It seemed like she would be with us for a while yet, and she was conversant, aware, and just very present.

Unfortunately things slid downhill a little yesterday, and by today were very bad. She's not really responsive of aware, and by late this afternoon, the doctor had said she would probably only be with us for 48-72 hours more. Some of us were able to step into the room and say our goodbyes to her or just tell her we love her, and tell her caregivers that we love them.

I'm typing this curled up in a ball on the couch, one handed, and crying, so I apologize for the typos and errors and lack of capping. This is agonizing enough to see without having the ptsd flashbacks i'm having about sis_r, and all of us surrounding her are pretty much basket cases. Most of her family is here, and some of her dearest friends as well, and I feel like she can probably hear that everyone is giving her so much love. Her pain seems to be under control, and that is a blessing, because she was suffering very, very much last week. it made me happy that I could show her the vid on tuesday and that she wanted me to stay in the room and talk while she went to sleep; i know how all bout me that sounds, but it was just this thing where i felt so connected to her and that she knew i love her and that my presence was at least some kind of comfort for her. oh, all that still sounds so all about me, i guess I don't know any way to say that wihout sounding that way. but it meant a lot and at least i can hold on to that instead of how she looked today.

A bunch of us have been camped out in the activities room, talking about fandom and Sandy and how much she means to us. It's good to have people to share the love with. I was totally alone when sis_r died, during her illness and after, and it was so painful, so agonizing. Not that this isn't agnozing; it's killing me to watch someone so vibrant and full of life and who brought that to so many people fade away. I love her so much, so many people love her so much.

when i left on tuesday, they were taking a patient who'd died out in a body bag. I think until then I'd held it mostly together but that was when i lost it. fuck this fucking disease.

please send her your love and prayers if you're a praying person. light a candle, a light, sing a song, plant some flowers.

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Comments

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destina
Jul. 15th, 2011 03:43 am (UTC)
I send Snady my love every minute, but I'm sending you some, too. *many hugs*
astolat
Jul. 15th, 2011 03:47 am (UTC)
*hugs you so hard* I'm so glad you all are there for her and for each other.
mackiemesser
Jul. 15th, 2011 03:49 am (UTC)
I don't know her at all, but I'm sorry for her, her family and you in this terrible situation.
tzikeh
Jul. 15th, 2011 03:56 am (UTC)
I'm so, so glad that so many of her friends are there with her. I wish more than anything that I could be there. I've had more than my share of Snady hugs, but there are never enough, you know?

I'll definitely be singing a happy, bouncy song for her--maybe "Men" or "Crush Story." I feel like I should find a swimming pool and sing it in the pool.
taverymate
Jul. 15th, 2011 03:58 am (UTC)
Sandy
A candle lit and all my thoughts and best wishes are with Sandy, B., her family, and friends. I've had the Media Cannibals tapes on loop since Sandy's last post. My version of the fannish prayer wheel.

I am SO glad that on Tuesday's visit Sandy was present and aware and that you connected. That's a blessing for you both. And no, it doesn't sound like you tried to make this post all about you. It's a post filled with love for Sandy and compassion and grief at her passing. Be kind to yourself as well.
mockerbee
Jul. 15th, 2011 04:14 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you got to show her Hair. Thank you so much for your hard work. That vid meant so much to her.

I'm feeling pretty devastated right now. Alex and I were planning on coming up after work tonight. I saw the email when I got home. I wanted so much to see her one last time.

I'm just having a hard time imagining the world without her.
falzalot
Jul. 15th, 2011 04:17 am (UTC)
This is just so wrong. I'm sending all the love and prayers I've got, and I'm so happy you guys got to see her.
lapillus
Jul. 15th, 2011 04:22 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for sharing with those of us who can't be there. Please, if you're up to it, hug those who are for me.
killabeez
Jul. 15th, 2011 07:36 am (UTC)
*sneaks in and hugs you back*
*and gwyn*
(Deleted comment)
(Anonymous)
Jul. 15th, 2011 04:39 am (UTC)
With love to Sandy and all her family and friends
I never interacted with her directly, but like so many others, her online presence impacted my own and my entry into fandom: her humor and kindness have always been obvious and my thoughts are with all of her friends and her family in these hardest of circumstances.

And very much with you too.

*hugs*
ginmar
Jul. 15th, 2011 07:45 am (UTC)
It's a good time to plant morning glories, don't you think? They're lovely and you don't know what color they'll turn out to be.
kirbyfest
Jul. 15th, 2011 11:09 am (UTC)
It is a blessing that you are there and that Sandy knows it. But I am sorry that you have to go through this again for someone you love. Fuck this fucking disease, indeed.

You, Sandy, and all the people she loves have been in my thoughts and prayers all week.
barkley
Jul. 15th, 2011 12:16 pm (UTC)

I am sending her and you all my love. {{{}}}

elz
Jul. 15th, 2011 12:18 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry to hear that, and you'll all be in my thoughts.
talitha78
Jul. 15th, 2011 12:53 pm (UTC)
Sending love and hugs to you and Sandy and everyone else who is going through this heart-wrenching experience.
corilannam
Jul. 15th, 2011 01:05 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Every bit of positive energy I have is going out to Sandy and everyone who loves her. Thank you for sharing this with us.
tazlet
Jul. 15th, 2011 02:32 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you posted this. I know what you mean about it being 'about me' - it's so painful and unfair that I'll never get a hug or see her smile at Escapade again.
sdwolfpup
Jul. 15th, 2011 02:44 pm (UTC)
I'm sending her, and you, all my love and good thoughts. Please let me know if I can help you in any way, I've been thinking about you.
ann1962
Jul. 15th, 2011 04:12 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry. I was gone for your other post, so I didn't realize what you were all going through.
batwrangler
Jul. 16th, 2011 12:54 am (UTC)
*hugs*
anoel
Jul. 17th, 2011 04:30 am (UTC)
*hugs* Thanks for being there for her, all of you *more hugs*
sweet_ali
Jul. 17th, 2011 05:03 am (UTC)
I don't know Snady, but I've been reading so many good things about her in other people's posts. My heart hurts for her, her family, and her friends, so I send love and peace out there to them and to you, my dear. *hugs*
(Deleted comment)
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