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When I'm awfully low

Back at the gym today after a week away, due to various factors. I didn't even get a chance to walk much last week to make up for it. It was much quieter today, and I'm hopeful that's a sign some of the noisier people are back at school or something. Guy who loves himself and tells everyone loudly about it is still there, but I noticed he was down to a one person, probably his girlfriend, so that automatically dampens the sound level. Without toadies, he's muted.

I feel very discouraged -- I haven't lost any noticeable weight after four months, and I don't think I'm going to lose any at all. Nothing looks different. I know I'm battling two major factors: i'm almost fifty (god, I hate saying that so very much), and I'm taking an antidepressant that I hear makes it harder to lose weight. I know it's supposed to be its own reward to be in shape, but I also need my clothes to fit because I don't have the money for new ones. I've been trying to wear things lately I haven't worn for a long time, but it's just uncomfortable. I can do longer, harder walks than before, so I realize there's progress, but it doesn't seem like anything outside is changing. It's difficult to battle the "what's the point if it doesn't help" thoughts. And I don't have a support network, before you ask.

I'm into my fourth week with the aligners as of today. I'm better at taking them off now, but when I start a new set, that's when I have the most trouble. Keeping them clean is a real challenge -- I'm seeing now how incredibly deep the grooves in my teeth are (which dentists have always worried about) and how rounded the shapes are, so that brushing them is a challenge because of the pockets and crannies. I still have moments of gagginess, sometimes at odd moments when I just realize that there are these things in my mouth.

However, my teeth are already straighter. It's quite fascinating. I looked at the fourth set and they really don't look all that different from the first, but they are. And even just on my second set here, I'm kind of astonished at how many of my teeth are are straightening quite well. My fangs are now pointing straight up and down instead of inward and forward. I'm most interested to see how it adjusts my bite.

Mostly I think it's just making me feel even uglier and more worthless than usual. I've felt really down and isolated and unwanted lately, and there's something about being old, fat, ugly, and having braces, even invisible ones, that just make you feel... well, honestly, except for the old part? This is just like when I was a 13-year-old starting a new school in a new area and being made fun of relentlessly and being friendless. Except I had acne then, too, although my skin has been horrible lately due to body changes and so I suppose that's not far behind.

I want to be excited about the fall tv season but nothing is floating my boat (except Glee). Even though two of my fave recent series have vampires in them, I'm not a vampire person at all, and so I will wait to see what people think of Vampire Diaries and if it sounds like a possibility, I guess I'll check it out. But that's almost the only thing I can see of interest. Everything else just sounds so derivative. But I'll still give most series, especially dramas, a shot by taking a look at their premieres just to be on the safe side. At least there's a bit of Project Runway still to come, Chuck midseason, and Burn Notice in January too. And DirectTV is showing all the episodes of Eyes starting in a couple weeks, so that will be nice to see the stuff I never got to before.

I'm really enjoying their 101 channel's showings of series that were cancelled and never got their eps burned off on network TV -- I recently watched both Smith and The Nine, and they showed Showtime's Sleeper Cell (where I first saw Star Trek reboot's Capt. Robau, and thought he was hot then too), and now they're running Oz and Deadwood, and it's so cool to see Deadwood in hi-def on the glorious widescreen TV. I'm still sad about losing my beloved Canadian station and a couple of the local sister stations of the affiliates, but... 101 kind of helps ease the sting.

What are you planning to watch this fall? Anything to sell me on besides Glee? (I have the pilot from iTunes, I just haven't watched it yet, but plan to.)

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(Anonymous)
Sep. 9th, 2009 07:48 am (UTC)
*hugs*

Nothing I can recommend for this season, though I am planning on watching a few episodes of Defying Gravity to see if it's watchable. But if you missed it, there's always The Middleman! :)

PS: I fully sympathize with the exercise problem, but at least you can feel self-righteous about the fact that you are going regularly - speaking as someone who hasn't even gone to the gym in over 2 years - and I am told the main benefit of exercise is not so much losing weight as keeping your body firm. As opposed to the overall sagging due to the loss of elasticity in our skins past a certain age...

:(
gwyn_r
Sep. 9th, 2009 10:34 pm (UTC)
I forgot to get the pilot, so I DLed DG from iTunes when it came up for free. Still haven't watched it, though, and I have only one ep (the second) on the Tifaux. But I think I'll have to go back and find them all because Ron Livingston. Phwoar.

There's just nothing calling me so far, though probably the closest thing is that Flash Forward, but that won't last so I don't know how much I want to invest.
trepkos
Sep. 9th, 2009 08:10 am (UTC)
If you are eating right and exercising regularly and not losing weight when you think you should, you might want to get your thyroid tested: T4, T3 and TSH.
I had been on T4 (Thyroxine) for years, but then I started having to eat less and less to stay the same weight, and I had my T3 tested and that was low. Now they've put me on the T3 (Tri-iodothyronine) I'm slowly losing a bit of weight.
ann1962
Sep. 9th, 2009 11:09 am (UTC)
Yup, me too. I had gained some weight, not much but still, and when I got mine retested, it had changed. Menopausal reasons, as my levels hadn't changed in 10 years, then they did.
gwyn_r
Sep. 9th, 2009 10:37 pm (UTC)
I'm already on some meds that treat a similar to thyroid condition, so I think they already check me yearly on those things, but it definitely won't hurt to ask when I go in for my yearly checkup.

I was amazed when I was listening to an interview with a thyroid specialist a few years ago how many people have untreated thyroid problems. She said, "IF you see someone wearing shorts and sandals in freezing weather, it's likely they have thyroid problems." So now my response to anyone who says they have any health issues is "get your thyroid checked!"

I'll mention the T3 thing, as it's entirely possible that one thing is being treated, but another is not.
trepkos
Sep. 9th, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC)
If you are feeling like your throat is sore, or you have a lump in your throat or your voice is different, that could be a hint that your thyroid is involved. (That's what happened to me anyway - my Thyroid Stimulating Hormone was very high, because it was trying to make my thyroid gland produce more thyroxine, and the gland couldn't do it. I would have been the opposite with regard to the shorts - I was always too cold when everyone around me felt normal.
devilpiglet
Sep. 9th, 2009 08:58 am (UTC)
I'm kind of dealing with the same discouragement. (The ironic thing is that if I'd eaten and worked out ten years ago the way I do now, my weight issues would be nonexistent.) I've mostly accepted that this is a permanent lifestyle change for me - rather than a short-term "going to Mexico, gotta get into game shape" fix. So I guess we'll be very healthy people who still struggle with self-image? I dunno. But I'm not eating donuts as I type this, so that's a start. If there's any support I can provide, let me know.
gwyn_r
Sep. 9th, 2009 10:40 pm (UTC)
Yeah, definitely you're in it for the long haul. (I suppose there's part of the problem for me, being that the long haul is a lot shorter these days than for most people I know!)

Hey, I was a total idiot and it never occurred to me that I could meet up with people in Chicago when I was in town for VVC last month. Till we met up with Spasticat. So, um, next year, keep your calender clear in August? Cuz I would so love to see you in person.

We're in a hotel that's near the airport and a little bit aways from the Cumberland stop. I don't know dates yet but they usually have those in Feb.
ann1962
Sep. 9th, 2009 11:13 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you are going though a hard spell.

The only shows I watch regularly are Supernatural (the season premiere is Thursday), Project Runway when I find it, and Chuck with my kids.
gwyn_r
Sep. 9th, 2009 10:42 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it's all returning shows for me, I think. There doesn't seem to be anything on the new radar yet, though I guess I didn't specify that in the post! Oh, TV, why no cool new stuff?
nikitangel
Sep. 9th, 2009 11:27 am (UTC)
Yeah, I feel you on the lack of visible progress. It's usually six weeks before results really show, which means I should see something by now, but I took off so many days in July/August for vacation, so I'm trying to be patient. And like you, I just want my clothes to fit - I'm not that concerned with a number on the scale or anything. Just give me my clothes back!
gwyn_r
Sep. 9th, 2009 10:44 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that's really the thing, isn't it? Most people talk about it in terms of pounds, but I don't care about that (and don't weigh myself, anyhow). I just want there to be less back flab and less of these giant things above my hips, and my clothes to not make it hard to breathe. That's not so much to ask for!
kirbyfest
Sep. 9th, 2009 12:08 pm (UTC)
It's so hard when you're not getting some kind of visible reward for hard work. If nothing else, you know it's helping your heart and lungs?

(For the record, I cannot imagine thinking of you as "fat.")

I have almost nothing new on TV lined up for this fall. I am done with vampires, unless someone comes up with a twist on the mythology (NOT SPARKLES, because that doesn't count), or includes an actor I can't resist. I should probably watch "Glee," and just haven't. Then there's something about people who lose time and wake up to a world in chaos, but if I can't find the energy to track it down, I'll miss it. Also, that kind of show is doomed anyway, sadly.

Right now I'm watching old "Criminal Minds" on A&E, which is the most depressing show ever about depressed people who have PTSD and are depressed about their lives, their jobs, AND their PTSD. And, occasionally, Shemar Moore takes off his shirt. It's bizarrely compelling, all of a sudden.
gwyn_r
Sep. 10th, 2009 06:09 am (UTC)
The one good thing about being as tall as I am is that it disperses my fat more evenly so I don't look as bad as I really am. But yeah, I'm definitely way heavier than I should be.

I'm thinking of trying out Flash Forward (the one you're talking about, where people lose time) but I don't expect it to last and Im kind of tired of investing in shows that get cancelled. I think it's on ABC, so that should probably tell you something. But it has John Cho in it, and that's tempting.

This is seeming like the least interesting season coming up!
gehayi
Sep. 9th, 2009 01:01 pm (UTC)
If Merlin comes back, I'll watch it (even though I think Arthur is a jerk and want to smack him). I'll probably watch Being Human if it's back--if not, I'll look for it online.

I care less than nothing about vampires (well, the all-too-common broody and angsty variety--hard-working smartasses like Mitchell from BH or psychic vampire Thomas Raith from The Dresden Files are likeable enough); in fact, I'd like to declare a moratorium on vampire stories for about fifty years. So I will be ignoring the proliferation of stories about the undead. I've already seen snippets of Brothers and Glee, and both of those involved making fun of people in wheelchairs...so feh on them.

Edited at 2009-09-09 01:03 pm (UTC)
gwyn_r
Sep. 10th, 2009 06:11 am (UTC)
Oh, wow, I didn't realize Glee made fun of people in wheelchairs. Ouch. That's just not on. I still will probably watch the pilot, but that's disturbing news.
greenpear
Sep. 9th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC)
I haven't really been following what's coming up. Since I gave up my cable and only have an HD antenna I went over to Hulu a lot. The selection isn't the greatest but there are a few things I'm catching up on (although nothing fantastic).

The only one I'm looking forward to is Fringe. I'm hopinh they do multiverse right, like Charlie Jade did...
gwyn_r
Sep. 10th, 2009 06:15 am (UTC)
Yeah, I have some things I definitely need to follow up on Hulu with. I will also probably get some technology and try to learn how to...ahem things on the intertubes.Otherwise I fear I'll never see half what I want.
sisabet
Sep. 9th, 2009 05:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, god - I can't fit into my pants. At all. I think it is probably because of my birth control pill, so I've stopped it even though it brought me such hormonal peace and joy (and no children!) but I *have* to be able to wear my clothes and my knee and ankles need less weight on them. They needed less weight BEFORE my pants got too snug.

So, I've started a diet and I've been good. I've been soooo good it hurts. I am counting calories and watching protein intake and downing yogurt like a rockstar (that might have more to do with vidding Burn Notice) and nothing. Nada. I had to run to Gabriel Brothers and buy some cheap pants in a size up to kind of get me through. I am very sad about this. And I am resentful because the old me could have dropped the weight like it's hot by now and this sucks.

And I am taking all this time just to say - I totally get how discouraged you feel right now. I am gonna keep trying (for now) and possibly adding more (any?) exercise into the mix. I think I am getting angry which might work for motivation. I'll show my body who is boss. Or I might need my thyroid checked (like they said in the above comments) - that is actually a really good idea.
gwyn_r
Sep. 10th, 2009 06:22 am (UTC)
I am with you on the pills -- I had to stop taking them this year because of the whole change of life thing, and I missed them so much! They made my life so much better for so many years. But yeah, the minute you get into hormones, you're talking about all kinds of weird things you can't control. That's one of the things making it harder for me to lose anything -- the glorious change! Bah.

I was amazed when I first heard some stuff about thyroids how prevalent it is in the US. It's one of the most commonly misdiagnosed illnesses of all, and I don't know if it's one of my problems, but it probably won't hurt to look into it.

I'll keep trying. You keep trying, too! (Oh and by the way, hee about the yogurt. I can't wait to see your Burn Notice vid!!)

Edited at 2009-09-10 06:23 am (UTC)
klia
Sep. 10th, 2009 07:05 am (UTC)
I started taking progestin-only pills this year because my periods went totally haywire. Also, because I was so freaked out by a friend's wife's death from uterine cancer last year, and taking progestin is supposed to lessen the risk of uterine cancer because the uterine lining isn't building up when you're not having periods.

Getting older is so fucking complicated. *hides under pillows*
klia
Sep. 9th, 2009 06:48 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry about the lack of weight loss. *hugs*

I second the earlier suggestion to have your thyroid tested, because they tend to start malfunctioning during perimenopause. Here, it's become a regular yearly test for women over 40, like mammograms, because doctors have realized it's a very common issue that's easily treatable, and treatment makes such a huge difference in how a woman feels.

DirecTV is showing Eyes? Oh, MAN, that's one show I want on DVD so freaking bad, and the dl copies have funky encoding and won't play right for me. Feh. :P
gwyn_r
Sep. 10th, 2009 06:27 am (UTC)
I'm already taking something that might be related, but I'm going to ask my doc when I see her next year for my regular checkup.That's really good news about it being a yearly test, wow!

Yeah, Eyes starts like next week I think. The good thing is that this means good copies should show up on the usual, uh, networks. I can't wait to see it!
klia
Sep. 10th, 2009 06:54 am (UTC)
Good, I'm glad, because I definitely think it's worth asking. (I have borderline hypothyroidism, if you can believe it; at this point, my doc and I don't think it's a good idea for me to take anything to speed up my metabolism. *gags*)

I still have an Eyes ep or two on my TiVo. Chris! Harlan! *weeps pathetically*
destina
Sep. 9th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC)
I'll be watching V, FlashForward, Vampire Diaries, and whatever else is science-fictiony. *g*
wolffire
Sep. 10th, 2009 01:26 am (UTC)
I hope you won't throw in the towel on going to the gym. I worked out for a long time without dramatic, or even any results. When I look back, there are two things that were part of my "it's finally working" story:

1) I started doing a "cleanse" every so often. That first one was the most dramatic and I think it was exactly the shock my metabolism needed to reset itself a bit. No booze, no caffeine, no refined sugar or flour, no dairy, no meat for a minimum of 1 week. (I journaled about it and am happy to talk about it if you have interest.)

2)I started working a job that requires me to use my body to get stuff done. Walking, lifting, carrying, and talking for a minimum of 4 hours/night for 2-3/nights/week means I'm burning more calories on a more regular basis. I also think that some of the repetitive stress I feel in certain places means I have better reinforcement to KEEP up with exercising BECAUSE I FEEL better. I sleep better, I find myself wanting to eat better, and I hurt less when I exercise more. And that last bit (hurt less with more exercise) is a very important one for me. Everyone's experiences are different, of course. I don't know what all of yours are. I just wanted to say I hope you will keep trying.

As for fall TV...no major suggestions.
gwyn_r
Sep. 10th, 2009 06:36 am (UTC)
Oh, I'm not going to give up, I promise. It's just discouraging and makes it a lot harder to go, to keep up with walking when I don't, etc. I never weight myself, it's just about fitting into things, being able to make use of my wardrobe and not feeling uncomfortable. Being in decent shape is a good thing, but I confess it's not my reward, I'm really just wishing I could fit into things better. Being in shape would be more of an extra bennie. I just feel more and more like it's neve going to happen.
wolffire
Sep. 10th, 2009 05:18 pm (UTC)
Well, I say hang in there! Sometimes it takes a while.
klia
Sep. 10th, 2009 07:00 am (UTC)
I did a 4-week cleanse years ago, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Just thinking about it makes my whole body go weak. *wobbles*
wolffire
Sep. 10th, 2009 05:20 pm (UTC)
heh, yeah, it was rough for me too. especially the first time. they got easier to do, though it has been long enough now that i suspect the next break i give to my liver and my digestive system will be a bit of a shock to the system. but, that's kinda the point. i'm thinking we (hubby and me) are going to try to do one mid-november before the holidays hit.
klia
Sep. 10th, 2009 05:29 pm (UTC)
My problem is that I can never give up chocolate or meat, so I can never, ever retain the recommended eating habits post-cleanse.
wolffire
Sep. 10th, 2009 05:41 pm (UTC)
ah. well, to me, the point of a cleanse is that it is a TEMPORARY change.

i do retain some of the changes for some time after i complete one, but the point was never to give up forever the food and drink that i give up on a cleanse. it is very literally just giving my systems a vacation from certain things. BECAUSE it is not meant to be a permanent change, it is something doable and something i can repeatedly succeed at. but, for sure, there are lots of different types of "cleanses" and lots of different goals. ymmv.
klia
Sep. 10th, 2009 05:46 pm (UTC)
The cleanse I did stressed that, to maintain good health, you could never eat sugar or meat or white flour or anything deep fried or any type of processed food ever again. So, I guess that all or nothing philosophy really stuck in my head. *g*
gwyn_r
Sep. 10th, 2009 06:33 am (UTC)
So, do you think V will be cringey, or a good reboot? That's what I'm on the fence about. Though it would be good to see Morena Baccarin again, especially if she eats rats. ;-)
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