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The flist said it, it must be so

Oh, flist, what would I do without you? Thank you for talking me down from the musical ledge. (keiko_kirin and elynross made some seriously excellent points that really got me thinking.) See, I come from Olden Tymes, when we didn't use songs other people used if we could help it at all. Not that that was as hard as it sounds -- there were like 100 of us, anyway, so we were much less likely to, and there were narrower parameters of what people considered vid songs, so if you stepped off the path, you usually wouldn't run into someone who'd do the same song.

But that's really only a small part of it -- the New Vidding Ethics have pretty much worn away a lot of my reservations about such things. But there are still other issues for me -- originality has a lot to do with it, and my feelings that because I'm an old-fashioned vidder, choosing music is really crucial for me since my vids aren't really... as valued, I think, as the more dazzling and techy vidders. So I feel like I have to stay away from something overvidded by a certain contingent lest I get lumped in with them by virtue of non-original song choices.

It's very fraught for me (I know, what vidder isn't fraught about something?) in a way that I can't articulate. I don't always really know why I keep doing this because I don't feel like I fit in with what's going on now. I feel that way about fic in a way too -- I can't seem to get started on this Jack/Ianto story because I feel like in the past couple years of not writing, fanfic has gone in different directions (especially cracky stuff) and I don't know if my traditional and purple style would really fit these days. I honestly don't know how to express it any better than that, but it's more complicated than I'm able to convey -- it's not a "tell me you love me" kind of thing where I need everyone to give me props. I really don't. It's just a feeling like I'm not ... I don't know. I'm not something, but I just don't know what it is.

I'd like to think that Vividcon will make me feel jazzed about it as it often did in the past, but I don't know. I have deep ambivalence about the con right now. Last year was a really bad experience for me almost all the way around (except the wonderful reception for I Remember, which really made me happy). It started out bad when I got a nasty cold right before the con and I knew I was bringing this year's con crud with me, but then I got bronchitis and subsequently laryngitis while I was there. People were fed up with my coughing and my inability to talk and I can't really blame them. I couldn't sleep either from the coughing, and I spent all my money on cough syrup and drops, but it didn't help. I made my roomie miserable, and I was miserable, and people were pissed off at me for coughing through the shows, just like I'd probably be if they were sitting near me and doing that. But after a while, it got to me, and by Sunday afternoon I actually burst into tears when someone gave me the cold shoulder when I asked if they wanted to get dinner.

Fortunately therienne took pity on me and invited me with her, and I got to spend some time with some cool people that I wouldn't have otherwise, but... it was hard on me. A couple people didn't even want to say goodbye to me, I think they were just so tired of my hacking and croaking. It left me with a weird feeling, and I'd read people's happy con reports and all the room parties and the people I never got to see and I honestly don't know if this year will be any better.

I have a hard time asking people if I can hang out with them. People always say to just come talk to them. But I can't do that well. It causes me an almost physical pain. My natural assumption is that no one wants to be around me, and last year was like having the fear coming true, and I think it's going to be tougher in some ways than it normally is to try again. I know how stupid it sounds, too, to be saying this. Really -- I sound like an idiot and a whiner and I know it. Last year was just that hard for me, though. And for various reasons, VVC has intense associations for me with my sister's illness, and that always adds to a feeling I have to work hard to shake off initially.

But. I have silver disco sandals and plane tickets and a killabeez to travel with on the way over, so maybe that's a good sign, who knows.

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Comments

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escritoireazul
Jul. 23rd, 2008 07:41 am (UTC)
I have a hard time asking people if I can hang out with them. People always say to just come talk to them. But I can't do that well. It causes me an almost physical pain. My natural assumption is that no one wants to be around me, and last year was like having the fear coming true, and I think it's going to be tougher in some ways than it normally is to try again. I know how stupid it sounds, too, to be saying this.

I don't think it sounds stupid. I think, a lot of the time, the people who say, oh, just come talk to me (or to other people) are the type of people who find it easy to do just that, and don't realize it's not that easy for everyone. As soon as I told people I'd be in Seattle for the summer, everyone started telling me to go here or go there and introduce myself to people and make friends. That's all very well and good if you're an extrovert who doesn't mind approaching people and is comfortable with new people, but it's really hard to do that when you're an introvert and/or not comfortable around strangers.

It makes a lot of sense that you would be worried about this years VVC. I hope it goes well.
gwyn_r
Jul. 23rd, 2008 07:53 pm (UTC)
You are in Seattle? Are you here now? We should get together!
escritoireazul
Jul. 24th, 2008 01:32 am (UTC)
I am! (Well, in Bellevue.) We should get together, I will email you.
kassrachel
Jul. 23rd, 2008 09:59 am (UTC)
I am looking really forward to seeing you.

:-)
gwyn_r
Jul. 23rd, 2008 07:54 pm (UTC)
Me too -- you are always a shining light at cons for me. And just in general, don'tcha know.
batwrangler
Jul. 23rd, 2008 11:02 am (UTC)
Hang out with me! I keep alternating between "VVC = squee!" and thinking "OMG I'm not a vidder and I won't know anyone and no one will talk to me!"
elynross
Jul. 23rd, 2008 03:15 pm (UTC)
"OMG I'm not a vidder and I won't know anyone and no one will talk to me!"

Hey, I'm not a vidder, either! Lots of people there aren't vidders themselves! And we're really very nice. *g*
batwrangler
Jul. 23rd, 2008 08:02 pm (UTC)
Yay! I realized while at Readercon that I've now been to lots of places where fans gather and so far no one has pointed at me, laughed, and then shunned me or kicked me out. :)
elynross
Jul. 24th, 2008 02:42 pm (UTC)
You must be doing something wrong right! *g*

gwyn_r
Jul. 23rd, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
You are so getting glommed! I'm relatively easy to pick out of the crowd, btw -- I'm about a half-foot taller than the majority so you can usually spot me.
batwrangler
Jul. 23rd, 2008 08:01 pm (UTC)
That works for me. (I try to keep track of which people I know greet-with-hugs and which don't, but lately I've found myself defaulting to my biological family's greeting style, which is with-hugs.)
kirbyfest
Jul. 23rd, 2008 12:32 pm (UTC)
last year's VVC
I sat with you for at least one vidshow (and probably more) and don't even remember you coughing once. So you may be making a bit more of it than it actually was. ;) (Not that you or I would ever do that. Oh, noooo.)
gwyn_r
Jul. 23rd, 2008 07:58 pm (UTC)
Re: last year's VVC
I think that's one of those situations where people only remember the good parts and forget the bad ones -- I think my coughing was heard by most of greater Chicago! But yeah, by the end and after someone said something nasty to me after Premieres, I think it had blown up to Monumental Status to me, so that a couple of interactions on Sunday made me utterly miserable. It was a tough weekend, all in all. And those kind of stick with you, I think, more than things that are pleasant.
kirbyfest
Jul. 23rd, 2008 09:01 pm (UTC)
Re: last year's VVC
I watch premieres in the overflow room now. It's more mellow and I like the atmosphere. The crowd last year was bigger, too, so I'm not the only one that enjoys it more.

I am sorry that people are randomly not so nice. It's even harder to deal with when you don't feel well, and also by Sunday at any con people are tired and on edge.

I hope this year is a better experience for you. I know I'm certainly looking forward to seeing you and you should never feel weird about inviting yourself to hang with me and whoever I'm hanging with. I am not one of the cool kids, however, so you may not want to hang with me. ;p (I'm not a vidder-- you should see people checking out my nametag and writing me off, which I find hilarious!)
elynross
Jul. 23rd, 2008 03:14 pm (UTC)
I don't know. I'm not something, but I just don't know what it is.

I do know this feeling. My own writing is of a rather "old-fashioned" slash standard first-time sort -- but my thoughts on it are basically that's what I still enjoy reading, so I bet other people do, too. And then I'm ecstatic if more than five people tell me they liked it. *g*

I'm glad you're rethinking the music issue. I mean, if you were to always pick pop songs that were widely vidded from now on? That might be a different matter, but vidding one song you feel has been vidded quite a bit, when it's perfect for what you want? I still think you should go for it.

I'm sorry VVC was so hard for you last year, and I hear you, on it being hard to follow through on invitations. All I can say is that everyone else is also wrapped up in their own experiences, and I know that where from my side it can feel like I'm being neglected and people aren't happy to see me, from their side it's all about THEM, not ME.

Seriously, every year Lum and I talk about how we both feel like we're on the outside looking in, because we both know that's a feeling that comes from inside us, and often has little, if anything, to do with how other people react to us, or anything. Of course I want specific people to seek me out, invite me to do things, make sure I know where the room parties are -- but my head also knows those people are busy trying to find their own fun, and if I want to have fun, I have to take the general invitations and mentions and such as intended, and seek them out.

This doesn't make me feel anymore involved, a lot of times, and in some ways it's worse, running the con, because I feel like I'm always headed off somewhere else, and can't really be with people.

All I can say, though, is that I don't have a single memory of you ruining any shows with your coughing, or of being anything but glad to see you. I hope things are more fun this year -- and I can't think but having a Killa to travel with would make anything better! I have so much envy!
gwyn_r
Jul. 23rd, 2008 08:07 pm (UTC)
My own writing is of a rather "old-fashioned" slash standard first-time sort -- but my thoughts on it are basically that's what I still enjoy reading, so I bet other people do, too.

Yeah, this is something that I have to get over, too -- I mean, that's what I like to read, so why am I afraid to write it? I don't know. There's always that sense of keeping up with the other fannish Joneses or something, keeping current. It's really weird when you think about it, because why? I don't feel like that in real life, why do I in fandom?

Seriously, every year Lum and I talk about how we both feel like we're on the outside looking in, because we both know that's a feeling that comes from inside us, and often has little, if anything, to do with how other people react to us, or anything.

This is so interesting because I would so not expect that from either of you. (Except of course that you are swamped with things and so you have a different set of experiences than almost anyone else.) ANd it's true -- it really is an internalized problem, and other people are going through their own things and needing to find their own happy places... God, I love cons, but they are such an emotional mess for me sometimes.

I think I have some kind of baggage from growing up as a twin that fucks up my ability to relate to people. I'm used to being very alone, because I live, work, and do most things by myself, but I was never lonely -- there's this weird thing about being a twin where you have this sense of being part of someone else. And so really feeling lonely, like I sometimes do at cons, is just this huge jolt to me -- there is no automatic fallback person, there is no safety net, it's just this big Alone. If that makes any sense. I'm probably worse than most people at being unconnected to others.

But yeah -- we has a Killa! And Sandy and Rache are on the same plane, so partay! I guess even if we get delayed or screwed on the flights, we'll still have our little traveling party to make it bearable.
minim_calibre
Jul. 23rd, 2008 03:52 pm (UTC)
I have a hard time asking people if I can hang out with them. People always say to just come talk to them. But I can't do that well. It causes me an almost physical pain. My natural assumption is that no one wants to be around me, and last year was like having the fear coming true, and I think it's going to be tougher in some ways than it normally is to try again. I know how stupid it sounds, too, to be saying this. Really -- I sound like an idiot and a whiner and I know it.

As someone who could have written that myself at times, you sound perfectly normal.
belmanoir
Jul. 23rd, 2008 04:18 pm (UTC)
oh man, i get so nervous at cons and the like social settings. you don't sound stupid at all. it's the whole "what if everyone secretly hates me and i just DON'T KNOW IT YET, and omg i have a stupid laugh!" thing. (why yes, i AM self-conscious about the way i laugh. i am JUST THAT SANE.)

for the record, i have a great time every time i hang out with you.

good luck at the con!! are you premiering a vid?
gwyn_r
Jul. 23rd, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
OMG now I have to listen to you laugh because I so don't remember your laugh being stupid! What?! You are perfectly fine!

I am premiering a vid -- for Capt. Jack on Torchwood. Trying to find the angst in all the blinding teeth and sexay. ;-)
deejay
Jul. 23rd, 2008 05:52 pm (UTC)
Every year, whenever I first run into you, we always say we're gonna get together sometime during the weekend for a meal, and every year we always miss each other by mere minutes, gaaaah...!

THIS YEAR (if anyone is even still speaking to me after last year's humiliating sob-fest over watching someone roll their eyes and make a retching motion during the discussion of my Premieres vid at the Review Panel), there will be much bounciness from me, and, I certainly intend, a meal at the House of Meat with YOU.

*insert anticipatory glee (and a hug) here*


gwyn_r
Jul. 23rd, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC)
I am so often in my own little world, running through the "If I say hi, will they shun me?" "Should I say anything to them?" "If I sit with them, will they move away?" that I don't even always see the people in front of me. Also, the rooms are so freaking cold all the time that I can't even stay in them for long! This does not work well when you're trying to spend time with people, I swear.
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