somniloquence

I have not felt like posting much lately, and don't even know why I am now except that I got stood up again tonight and so now I'm home when I wasn't expecting to be.

I signed up for Yuletide this year again, and offered 11 fandoms, which is... a LOT. For me anyway. I'm not sure if I can even write some of them (well, any of them), but they are all things I know well. It's just the prospect of coming up with an idea and being able to not disappoint the giftee I worry about. I requested the full complement of four fandoms, because I know that my fandom of one, MDs (with William Fichtner, John Hannah, and Jane Lynch from Glee and Michaela Conlin from Bones), will never be offered by anyone else, even though it's the one thing I truly want. You have to have a plan B when your fandom is that unknown.

I wasn't, however, able to sign up for Bitchin' Party, aka Pacificon, today because I just really don't have the moolah. Especially since this is sort of a bad month for me, usually, being as how it's birthday month and I'm planning to run away to Vancouver this year with black_bird_777 this year (although not on the birthday, just a few days before) and we're staying in a luxe hotel. If it's anything like our usual trips, we will be eating our way through the city, although this time we're hoping to try some new to us spots we haven't been to before (except the Breton creperie off Robson, because it is our favorite place for breakfast). Anyways, that precludes the money for the con that I'd have to pony up this month, but I guess I'll see if Dad gives me his usual cash for birthday thing, or not -- probably not, since he's been helping me out too much this year.

I sent in a resume for the most made-for-me perfect regular freelance work for a video magazine and wrote what I thought was a fantastic pitch letter, but they got more than 60 resumes after their posting looking for review copyeditors, and the guy said they'd be in touch by Wed. for the people they wanted to send tests to. I was not on that list apparently. I could not be more perfect for that kind of work with my history, and yet, I didn't even make the cut, and this seems to be the story of my life lately with freelance work. I must be more of a fuckup loser than even I realize, because seriously, it's like some of these opportunities are written solely for me, and yet, I can't get arrested. Arg.

One of many reasons I've been so down lately besides the other stuff is that I'm being audited for taxes in 2007, specifically the sales tax deduction I took from all the reno in the house, including the kitchen. It's been going on since early in the year, and they keep sending me scary letters, and then I call, and find out they don't have any records of my stuff, and they'll send ANOTHER letter, and it starts all over again, and drags out for months per letter. I'm terrified of the IRS, which is why I spend money each year on a certified tax accountant rather than do my own.

This most recent letter told me I have one other option, to go to court. They assess interest on the payment they say I owe them, starting now, unless I choose to go to court. So I called E, my tax person, and she has told me in the past that ever since they went to these paper audits a few years ago to save money, it's been a huge disaster for people and that tax people and accountants loathe them. Before, you met with the auditor and you showed them your paperwork and they went, "OK" and it was done. But now they lose your paperwork, send you letters, take calls, send more letters, lose more paperwork, and on and on. They all go through Atlanta, so there's no one you can talk to locally. So she called them Tuesday and went through it again, since she has power of attorney for my taxes, and they said that they had no record of my paperwork (over 80 pages of receipts and spreadsheets) but they did have a record of having received it (because I fucking sent it certified mail, since they lost everything before that I mailed or faxed).

I'm so afraid of a lien or something on my house. Or going to tax jail or whatever they do to people. I have never forgotten this series of articles I read in this fantastic paper called the National Observer about what the IRS does to people for the piddliest of tax issues, and so they frighten me on a very deep level, the way all evil government agencies do. They also told E that the person (whom they never identify, btw) formerly handling my claim is no longer there because of the lost paperwork. Gee, ya think maybe you have incompetent employees? Srsly? They can never tell me anything on the phone, just make notes that I called. So on Monday I'm going over to E's for dinner and faxing -- we're going to send them all 80 pages again, and discuss it, and her and her husband are good friends so I know there'll be lots of there-thereing.

Between freelance work disappointments, the IRS, feeling so alone, and the looming big five-oh that I won't get to spend with my twin, I really have to fight to get out of bed in the morning and keep going. If it wasn't for the kitties, I don't even know what I'd do. For so many years, I thought I'd be in Hawaii on this birthday, with sis_r, drinking fruity drinks on a beach and listening to her bitch me out for something she thinks I'm doing wrong. Now I'm probably going to be in my house with the cold and rain outside, watching something lame on TV, and wondering when I'll get the next letter from the IRS telling me they're coming after me. Blerg, as Liz Lemon would say.

Probably the last thing I need to do is a secret love meme, because I'm afraid of how it will remind me right now of just how crappy and lonely and awful I feel, but the wonderful queenofthorns has started one and my name is here. You should go put your name in so I can leave you loving comments and hopefully it will make me feel better -- sometimes doing for others is a good way to get over other people doing shitty things to you. (It's anonymous, and Queen of Thorns has turned off IP logging -- see her post for info if you don't know how to do this!)

Seriously, I just hate so many people right now, and am reminded of the bumper sticker "mean people suck." Cuz they do, you know? But OTOH, I get to see some good people tomorrow and try my hand at Rock Band, which I have never played, so there is that. I've seen someone do Rock Band, but it seemed really boring and kinda dumb to me; I have it on good authority, though, that you won't enjoy it unless you're playing yourself.

Had to take Orive to the vet today (that's her Engrish name) because she's had these black scabs and patchy skin by her mouth the past couple days. I thought it might be feline acne or miliary dermatitis; turns out it's just the acne, which is good, but we don't know why. The only plastic dish she comes in contact with (that I know of, since she's a scam artist who has managed to get at least one person to feed her) is the water fountain, but we've had that for a couple years and no problems, so both the vet and I think it's probably flea related. After a couple of flea-free years, I found some on her the other day, but it's impossible to control them with flea combing on her because she is so disagreeable about grooming from me. I really hate being bitten and scratched, and it always comes down to a fight with her.

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember when she was such a sweet, mellow, agreeable kitty. Olive has never liked being picked up and cuddled, but she was more amenable before Blues came. I have to give her some antibiotic ointment for the chin spots, which will be... interesting. A lot of times, the only way I can clip her claws is when she's asleep. By the time she's fully awake and starting to hiss and snarl, I've gotten at least four toes done.

I feel sorry for kitties about the acne or dermatitis thing. It doesn't seem to bother them in the least, but it looks painful and they get little blood spots if you wash or pull off the black scabby things. And then they get their chins shaved so they look even sillier. It's so undignified. It gets harder and harder to trick her into letting me catch her so I can put her in the cat carrier. I don't know what I'll be able to do next time -- I know cream won't work, because I did that this morning, and so it will never work again. She's too clever by half, and far too cranky.

But here, have a kitty pic or three.
( kittehs )

Is there anything better than watching a new fandom spread out across your flist and hearing people pile on the love for someone you already love? I think not! I may have already watched the White Collar pilot four times now. Some of them were by accident! And I think it's still on the tifaux. Um. Don't judge me! It works for me way better in the caper department than some other things and so I think this one may become a true fandom. Though I have to wait to see -- I loved the Leverage pilot but it's been downhill ever since.

In the meantime, I enjoy the Matt Bomer and Tim DeKay love. When I first heard they were in a series together I about peed my pants. It's so rare that two guys I love that much get to be together headlining a show, and especially a journeyman actor like DeKay getting a show of his own... it made me deliriously happy. Over the weekend I think I told at least six different people where they'd seen him before, because they couldn't place him (or Matt, for that matter).

I know that before its demise this year in the subprime fiasco, Washington Mutual Bank, headquartered here in Seattle, was in a lot of different states, but I don't know how far and wide their commercials made it out. This one from a few years ago has always stuck with me, because it's a) HIGHlarious and b) has Tim DeKay, Jane Lynch (who people are discovering lately on Glee), and the actress who played Sukie on Gilmore Girls in it. I was so surprised, because all of them were working regularly at the time and it was so unusual to see them in an ad. And together! So new and old Tim fans, here's a crummy YouTube video of the ad.

OMG, you guys, I totally <3 White Collar! But then I kinda knew I would. Anyone who's watched Chuck knows how H-O-T-T hot Matt Bomer is, and I adore Tim DeKay (especially because he will always be Dean from Big Eden to me). Loved the Rat Pack look on Neal, loved that for once an FBI agent is smart and literate and competent instead of stupid in comparison to the criminal, loved that there seems to be a nicely rounded cast backing them up (especially the "Um, she would wear the hat"). And how awesome is it to see Diahann Carroll on TV again? She is so, so wonderful.

I have only one bone to pick, and that's the reference to Neal being in supermax. That is so very not a supermax facility he was in, and a criminal like Neal would not even be in a supermax prison, anyway. He probably wouldn't even be a max security facility, but let's just say he was. At least the wife gets it right, I don't know where the supermax thing came from. There aren't even that many supermax prisons out there, anyway, and they're sure not filled with white collar criminals.

This will fill in nicely for my happy-making Burn Notice hiatuses. It's very much a USA type show right now, but they've found a winning formula for the channel and this is an excellent addition.

I finally just gave up trying to figure out what to nominate for Yuletide. Most of the things I might write or want stories in are already up there, and so are the ones I nominated, except for my fandom of one, MDs. I just couldn't think of anything else as obscure to take a chance on except some odd movies that I don't know if I would either want to read or write in, so they're probably best left unmentioned. It seemed like ones I expected to have other noms have dropped off a lot of my friends lists' radars.

The hardest thing of all? When someone spells your fandom wrong, the nitwits, and you can't do anything about it. You can fix the names when they get it wrong, but you can't fix the title on your own. Peoples.

These were mine so far, in no particular order:
The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai [sic] Across the 8th Dimension
Charlie Jade
Deadwood
Flashpoint
Keen Eddie
MDs

I may still change something depending on how I feel about including my original fandom before I knew what a fandom was, Laredo, but it's just more waffling. Right now I'm much more worried about being able to write ANYthing.

ETA: DW question for those in the know--I can't seem to find anything about whether we can do custom mood themes yet. Are those available?

On Dog Whisperer tonight, they featured a story on a woman who rescued an abused dog even though she was in a really bad shape herself. Cesar recognizes that the dog's aggression is totally related to her pain from a debilitating injury and her emotional stress, so he has her undergo acupuncture and takes her to a meditation instructor.

When they walk in the door, there's... Jeff Kober. And it says "Jeff Kober Meditation Instructor" on the show ID. I totally freaked out -- I mean, the guy who specializes in playing sick psychos and evil supernatural characters on dozens and dozens of shows is a... guy who teaches meditation? And he's wearing glasses and looking all friendly. But of course, WE KNOW what he's really like. He's most famous among my fannish pack from his appearances on Buffy the Vampire Slayers and Mag 7, but he's also been in Burn Notice and SPN and you name it, he's been in it, usually playing a Very Bad Man. And still well known from his role on China Beach.

His bio doesn't mention anything about it. But I mean, I cannot imagine meditating with him sitting there. I'd be expecting him to start intoning in his evil way about how someone tastes like strawberries.

I have no idea what fandoms to nominate! I assume many of the ones I'm interested will be included, since they are bigger obscure fandoms these days. But... do I just mimic my list from last year? There really aren't any new things I'm that sold on and would want to write, but it might be worth just doing it for other people. I just really don't know what to do.

I also don't know what to do about my icon! I got this one by liviapenn because it fit me, as last year's was my first ever Yuletide. But now that I'm not technically a newbie, should I get a new one? I have no idea! So of course, a poll, where you can decide for me!

OMG tonight's Mad Men! The most distressing episode ever, y/y? Don, how are you so sexy and lovable and so loathsome at the same time?

Went to see Zombieland with mlyn today. SO MUCH FUN Y'ALL!! I love zombies, especially spoofy zombie stuff and this one had all the great ingredients -- gore, more gore, and too much gore, Hummers and Cadillac Escalades with cow catchers, lots and lots of guns, and carnival rides. Plus Abigail Breslin, who somehow is getting cuter as she gets older, I don't know how. I couldn't stop laughing at the Russell Crowe joke and I think I injured myself.

It comes it at a lean runtime of 80 minutes so it doesn't overstay its welcome, important in a zombie movie. I liked that the zombies move faster than the traditional Night of the Living Dead versions, but a little slower than 28 Days Later ones -- nice variations on their thematic inspirations. Normally I despise Woody Harrelson, but I think this was a role he was designed to play, you know what I mean?

But I think the best thing is the credits and title cards and such -- its interactivity with the action in the movie was delightful. All in all, a good time, well-done, and more laughs than I've had in a really long time at a comedy. This would make a perfect complement to Shaun of the Dead for a sterling double feature.

The other day, greensilver came over and we watched some older vids, although I still have hundreds left unwatched that I need to borrow from others so she can see them. There's just no way to get even partway through all the stuff that's out there from the early days, but it's so fun to have a newer vidder be interested that I can't resist trying. Most of it's still only on old tapes, but some of them have been digitzed (not digitally remastered, which is a different thing altogether).

One of those we watched is probably my favorite Buffy vid, certainly my favorite Spike or Spike/Buffy vid, and possibly my favorite vid of all time (well, that someone else made, because I still love our own A Fire Is Burning beyond all reason), Lynn's Motorcycle Drive By. If you've never seen it, there's a DL available at JKL's vids site, which is passworded but it's super easy to get the PW as they have an autoresponder that will send it immediately.

Alas, Lynn has kind of gafiated from fandom, but if she were ever to attempt to remaster something, I would probably enslave myself to her to remake this one. If I could figure out how to do it exactly, I would probably remaster it for her, in fact, but I know she time-shifted some clips and I'm not always certain which ones those were (I can spot some of them, but others I don't know).

It's just such an exquisite piece and one of the best song choices I've ever come across -- it's sad, romantic, rocking, tough, tragic, violent, all the things that defined Spike's love for Buffy. One of the lines, "this is the last time/we'll be friends again" is paired with the clips of the two of them drinking shots on the coffin in S6, and out of the hundreds and hundreds of vids I've seen in my life, that may still be one of the best lyric-clip fits I've encountered -- unless it's the shot from early in the song on "I could never have you/I knew that before you did" where Spike is walking with Buffy toward her house in S2 in the second half of Becoming, and she's so suspicious of him when he's offered to help her get rid of Angelus. Augh.

It breaks my heart, even after all this time of being away from the Spuffy and feeling like the end of S6 and S7 ground away my heart for that story. Watching it again after a long time, I'm reminded of how intensely I felt that pairing, and since it was made long before Seeing Red destroyed the fandom for so many people, it's still got the power to show how doomed it all was without it being a forced, contrived, repugnant character destroying device perpetuated by brain dead showrunners. Because that was the nature of their relationship -- the line in the song that's repeated is "I've never felt so alone, and I've never felt so alive" and that was pretty much what it did to Spike and in many ways to Buffy, and we never needed the crappy anvilly nature of an attempted rape to show that.

Lynn managed to encapsulate everything that was tragic and doomed and wonderful and sexy and just... crazy good about their relationship through this song and her superb use of clips and her excellent vidding skills. It's an early computer vid when people were still using off-air tape source, and there are effects like superimpositions and dissolves in it, but they are used sparingly and with good taste, so they don't overpower the simplicity of the narrative or the complexity of the relationship. I wish that more vids were made like this one, so powerful and clear and emotional, instead of showing vidders who are amused by their own technology or envelope-pushing.

I've slavered over the vid before years ago to her, but in case she's still reading my LJ, thank you again for this lovely vid. I've totally felt a renewed a desire to rewatch Buffy again, and I think if I watch this vid enough times, I may even be able to try writing again and finish my WIP. It provided inspiration for other Spuffy stories I did, too, and I hope maybe it can do that again.

Although now I really wish I had a copy of the song!

There's this thing I've wanted to talk about since Vividcon, but after the fan fracas took over any discussion of the con, I just decided to keep my yap shut for a while because it feels like anything about it will fan flames. I have a lot I wish I could say about the overreactions I saw, about the language people used and the conclusions so many people jumped to, but I'm just going to focus on one area that I know a lot about because I think it needs clarifying.

Vid review panels are not for the vidders. They never have been.

( Vid review isn't for vidders? The deuce you say. )

I had a great time with feochadn last night at the Puyallup Fair. For readers not from this area, it's actually the Western Washington State Fair, but has been known as the Puyallup for as long as I can remember, since that's where it's held. Decades ago they came out with this incredibly successful marketing and ad campaign of "Do the Puyallup" so that's what people kind of hold on to round these here parts. (Pronunciation: pyoo-AL-up)

It's been so many years since I've been able to find people who will go on rides with me. When I went years ago with Ex, he would only go on the ferris wheel. BOOOOring. And my friend Michael can't go on rides anymore since his heart surgery. Jo braved the rollercoaster with me last night even though she's never had the chance to go on a real live large coaster before -- it was a gorgeous night (although a little too hot until the sun went down, yeesh -- I was sweating up a storm) and there was an orange moon and then suddenly we were whooshing downhill really fast and it was just wild. We both had tears afterwards because of the wind, and I guess my hair looked quite amusing. That thing is always over too fast. It might not be the best thing for me with the vertigo, but I just love it so much. The fair's coaster is one of the few remaining original wooden coasters in the country and there's a certain fear in that clickety-clacketiness that makes it extra special. I guess if you're going to get killed in a coaster accident, what a way to go.

We also did the chair spinny ride and then moseyed over to contemplate the Extreme Scream, which I'd been talking about nonstop since we began. I really, really want to go on this: it takes you up about 20 stories (185 feet), super fast, and then drops you down almost to the ground, then back up, then down, up and down. It's huge and awesome and has a warning list a mile long for people but it looks so fun I could die. Which some people thought would nearly happen to them a few years ago. Heh. It wasn't a big deal at all, but people are silly.

Jo's had a lot of back problems, though, and figured it would not be a good ride -- that initial five-second shoot upwards looks like it might pack a bit of a punch. And honestly, I have no idea how I'd handle that with the vertigo -- most of the coaster wasn't a problem, except the drops. I had to close my eyes on the drops because I couldn't adjust them fast enough; keeping my eyes trained on a spot helps check the dizziness and nausea if it's bothering me really bad. Still, we decided we might try for the spring fair and pump ourselves up to get in shape for the ride next year. (Also, I desperately would love to ride the Sling Shot, but there's no way I can since it whirls around upside-down, which would be Very Bad for someone with vertigo. Sigh. This video shows what it's like from a rider's perspective, which is dull, but what is cute is that they're using the song written to market the fair years ago, which is adorkable beyond words.)

We had some okay barbecue and my favorites, the dairy barn's chocolate ice cream cones and the roasted corn on the cob, so dripping with butter that you have to eat it bending over, but I waited till we were leaving to get a bag of fair scones, and finally had to give up because my hip hurt so much I just couldn't stand in the interminable line. Apparently everyone else had the same idea because the queue was so long that they probably didn't get to everyone before closing time. Fair scones are a weird, unique tradition here -- the local Fisher Mills started serving them back in 1923 and they are still one of the most popular aspects of the fairs in this state. They're much more like real English scones than the dry, giant bricks of bread that people call scones here in America, and when I buy them I always get some clotted cream and make myself a little cream tea here at home. Alas, no fair scones for me! But I will go buy some mix and some jam and cream and do it myself (it's just always better to have someone else make them for you, and the smell of a dozen in the car on the drive home is divine).

We found some cool things to buy, and we debated over me buying a giant silly hat -- it was sort of Audrey Hepburn at Ascot in My Fair Lady meets Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch. I wanted to get it for Club Vivid next year, but not knowing if I can go makes it harder to spend the money, although there is always the spring fair. It did look quite smashing, if very silly, on me. We saw many cheapo silly things that would be awesome at Club Vivid. We spent a lot of time in the horse barns and chatted with many of the kids there -- one boy in particular had just come from his show with a gorgeous buckskin, and he was quite a character. I love the 4-H people because they always ask if you have questions and will talk to you at length, plus the barns, especially the draft horse barn, smell like nirvana to me. I really don't miss much about rural life at all except horsies.

We were both exhausted when we left and it took some time getting out of there, and I think I slept harder without drugs than I have in a long time. My teeth even hurt because I'd had my aligners out all night (which was really a nice respite), but that didn't stop me from sleeping hard. I love the fair despite crowds, despite noise and stupid people and all the attendant problems of large events. At one point this little boy was making a beeline straight for the Andean musicians we'd just walked past, and he rammed right into us (his head was down like he was a running back trying to make it through a line of tackles) and then fell down, we picked him, he ran off again, and I thought yeah, this is what I love about the fair. It's crazy but no one wants to stop having a good time.

mlyn and I watched Mad Men last night instead of our planned movie(s), and then the Emmys, which I normally don't watch because they are so depressingly middle America in their decision-making and consistently ignore anything genre. But we both love Neil Patrick Harris so that made it more tolerable, and really, the Dr. Horrible interruptus pretty much made the entire event (and I loved NPH's faux-bitterness -- or was it real? -- over losing the Emmy). And look, I love Mr. Cranston and whatnot, but this is two in a row for him and sorry, but Jon Hamm's Don Draper is one of the most complex and fascinating characters ever on TV and his performance is a thing of true beauty. If they weren't going to give him the statue for that, then they should have given him one for his guest spots on 30 Rock because dude, he was beyond brilliant. I crack myself up every time by uttering "I don't know what that means!" when I'm feeling down (Oh my god, I am the generalissimo!).

I think the same goes for Alec Baldwin, in that I think he's beyond brilliant in 30 Rock. He totally deserves all the recognition he has received for it, all the awards, but I would have loved to see Jim Parsons get that thing this year. Sheldon in season 2 Big Bang Theory has gone through so many fascinating learning experiences and yet remained so very awful, and that kind of fearless performance is a wonder to behold. (Not that Jack Donahey isn't a fearless role, as well, because he's so hilariously venal and shallow.)

But anyhoo. Mad Men last night was brilliant and I am still mentally digesting it all. The one thing I have to say is that M'lyn and I were dying over the you know what, and all I could think was "OH NO THEY DI'INT!!". Wow, that show. SHOW. I love you so. And Joanie, I worship the ground you walk on in your stiletto heels.

There hasn't been much thus far in the new TV season I'm interested in. I have been watching Glee and probably will continue to, but some of the things disturb me, particularly the cruel humor directed at the gay kid and the kid in the wheelchair. I realize that there's a kernel of truth in that sort of thing, but... I don't know that I want to watch it all the time. It also hits my embarrassment squick buttons from time to time. However, and it's a big but, the musical numbers are fantastic (I especially enjoyed the Acafellas), and it has two cast members I adore -- Jane Lynch and Stephen Tobolowski. Talk about fearless performers -- they have this way of imbuing even the most hateful characters with this weird kind of twisted charm, and I can never not watch Jane if she comes across my TV screen. I adore her beyond reason. So it's a season pass but I'm not sure if it will ever be a huge fandom, though I will definitely wait and see, because it does look like they're showing people growing and changing. One hopes.

Will wait on Flash Forward to see what happens there.

If a metric ton of you have recently received DW notices about me subscribing and whatnot, please do not be alarmed. ;-) I'm trying to rebuild as much of my LJ lists as I can over there, but it's been really hard because I don't always know what names people are using if they've changed them, and I've been very lax about keeping track and adding people. I still plan to be mostly here, but considering the money I spent on DW when I didn't have any, I really should take advantage of it.

If you have a DW account and I'm not on one of your access or subscribe accounts and you don't hate me, would you let me know so I can add you (or feel free to add me and I'll piggyback)? I still haven't managed my subscriptions vs. access stuff totally (it's so daunting! There are like nearly 400 people here on LJ!) but I do want to know who and where you are! I am a firm believer in the No Drama rule of friending, even though I don't practice it for myself (I'm always wringing my hands about what I did wrong when someone unfriends me. Yes, I'm that sad). So no hard feelings if you don't want to read my page, but I'd still like to know where you are if we're friends on LJ.

(On Dreamwidth, I'm just gwyn)

Also... I'm frequently at my desk and able to chat with people, but I don't know where anyone is in the chatty rooms. I used to love hanging out. Whenever I ask people I know in real life, they pretend they're not chatting at all, yet they post comments about chats and stuff like that. So I guess that means they don't want me in their chat spaces, but I feel like surely there must be some people who won't cold-shoulder me and are hanging in either IRC or jabber or whatever. I miss being connected and I sit here most of the day anyway. I'm not overly chatty, but I do love saying hi and seeing how people are and what they're talking about. If you hang out somewhere and wouldn't mind company, let me know! On AIM I'm emcat8, and my Jabber account is through my LJ name, I also have an IM under my real name leftover from working at Microsoft. I *think* I have an ICQ but I can't remember. And while I haven't totally figured out Ircle, I did get it to work during Yuletide, so that's available.

Oh! And one more thing! Does anyone know of a screen cap site for The Big Bang Theory? I was thinking of making a BBT mood theme, primarily of Sheldon, but I don't have DVDs to cap from.

Went back to Vain today for my free follow-up trim. It was actually more of a whole new cut -- he took out three cocker spaniels' worth of hair, which is pretty amazing when you think about the fact that I just had it cut a mere few weeks ago. It just kept coming out and coming out, and at the end he took the thinning scissors to it and still more came out, so it's very texturized now and piecier. The angle of the back is sharper and much shorter, and the sides are more angled, too. I love how thin it feels now. It's almost like having normal hair!

( More bad pics because I can't seem to take a picture of myself and my face is so goddamn ugly anyway )

Happy birthdays to both mlyn and bientot here in Seattle, and to ann1962!! Wow, kind of an auspicious day, no? I hope you have a great day, and that the coming year brings you all the things you want.

_________

Last night I watched some of the things that have sat on my tifaux for a really long time, including a one-woman monologue by Julia Sweeney (from Saturday Night Live, she created a number of memorable characters, especially Pat) called God Said, Ha! It's about her moving back to LA and then caring for her brother through his treatment for lymphoma, and her parents move in with her, and then she develops a rare kind of cervical cancer, all of this after a divorce.

I really admire people who can talk about tragic things with humor, that was always something I tried to do when both Mom and sis_r were sick. My mom wasn't exactly famous for her sense of humor, and mine is pretty black, but sis_r, I think, often appreciated my bitter sarcasm and bleak jokes because they were things she wanted to say but couldn't, because she tried so hard to keep up that positive, brace face. I think I got to be her outlet sometimes, although she used to tell me I had to be her rock, which I think both of us knew was pretty funny because I was never anybody's rock.

Anyway, at one point during this terrible ordeal, one of her cats moves in with a neighbor. I laughed and laughed. I couldn't have picked a better movie to watch. At one point she details horrible thing after horrible thing and ends up having to go to the grocery store to get cat food, and talks about how it's not a good sign when the single lady is in the checkout line with 15 cans of cat food in the middle of the night. Ah ha ha ha.

I would highly recommend this for just about anyone, but if you're the kind of person who can appreciate black humor in the face of overwhelming emotional problems, you should totally watch this. It's really kind of cathartic, I felt, and she does such a perfect impression of clueless parents that anyone can relate to the story, even if they've never had a family member get sick before.

So, speaking of cats who find themselves new homes, Olive has been pretty agreeable about following me home when I go up and get her from Sandy's house (the neighbor whose house she decided should be her new home). She talks to me like I just stopped by for a kaffee klatch or something. But then she runs right back out first chance she gets and legs it up to Sandy's. Yesterday, though, much to my surprise, she came in for food while my friend Keith was visiting (he was only here for a few hours, but I took him up to the cool new bar here and bought him a birthday drink). Then after he left, I brought her home for dinner, but she zipped back out before I could stop her, then came back a few hours later for a nap on her bed, then ran back out when I took out the garbage, and finally came home around 1, when I was going out to go look for her, there she was waiting to come in!

I guess that means the no extra food and water thing is working. I think she still wants to be up in Sandy's yard or porch, since there aren't any other hated kitties there, but she seems willing to at least come home once in a while for food. We have to work on a lot of other stuff, though. It's obvious she hates being here, but... for now, I just hope she stays with Sandy and doesn't try to find another person who'll take pity on her.

I guess you know you're not a very likable or desirable person to be around when your own cats don't even want to live with you anymore. I mean, I know, thanks to plenty of people telling me that, and being clear what they think my faults are, but wow, when your cats go looking for another home of their own accord, it must be bad.

I've had this sneaking suspicion Olive found another home for a few weeks now -- she has been gone for increasingly long times, to the point where she doesn't even come home at night and is gone the entire day. She doesn't come home for food or treats, and I have to lure her in if I see her and that doesn't even work much of the time. She hates Blues SO MUCH. And by extension, has started hating me, too. She growls and huffs and puffs when I touch her or pet her or try to be friendly. She'll only play with me for a short time. She often won't sleep on me anymore. She tries to knock out the window screens to get out, and hisses, snarls, and growls when Blues is in the other room, if she merely hears him walking around.

And I've been looking for her for two days and all last night, and this afternoon a woman knocked on my door and said that some of the neighbors thought I might be her owner, and she described Olive to me. I said, yeah, that's her, and told her that I'd been afraid she had found another home where someone was feeding her and offering her Blues-free affection. She said, yes, that's me! She commented on how friendly and sweet Ollie is, and I mentioned she's also very bold and fearless, and she said that Ollie had just come right into her house. But she has a skittish, very fear-aggressive cat so didn't want to just bring her in. Olive slept on her porch, and was there curled up at the door in the mornings, and there at night, so she was feeding her.

She took my card and said she'd call when she next saw Olive, and in the meantime, while she was off running errands, I went over to her house and there was Ollie, who had obviously ignored me when I'd come by about an hour earlier on my walk, calling for her. This time the brat came out and let me bring her home, although she stopped purring and started snarling and growling when we got in the yard. Now she's alternately sleeping and glaring at me with her golden eyes, hissing and puffing (I started calling her Miss Hufflepuff a while ago) and growling at Blues, just being generally disagreeable and yet still cute as the dickens.

I don't know what to do about her. She's obviously incredibly unhappy here, with Blues, with me, with the bully cats who invade her backyard sanctuary. So she's gone to find another home. And I think even if the neighbor stops feeding her, she'll just go find someone else to do it. She is very focused and bold. And grouchy.

I've become addicted to the Dog Whisperer lately, and I'm even trying to do some of Cesar's tricks -- changing my energy to calm assertive, breaking her attention when she gets into one of her growling frenzies. But Blues is still her tormenter and ignores my energy, ignores most of my attempts to get him to behave. It's impossible to modify behavior, though, when they freaking run away. Today when I went looking for Ollie, Blues bolted out of the house. He's been remarkably good about not straying since the big My Little Runaway episode of last year, but today he seemed to vanish, and didn't come back, didn't eat his breakfast, anything. I finally got him back in about an hour or so after Ollie came home, and it's been snarls and growls and running around and fighting since, when they're not glaring at me or begging to go outside.

I mean, how bad a person do you have to be that your cat, who you love with all your heart and spoil rotten and saved from death row, wants to go live on someone else's porch? Depressing, I tell you. This does not help how lowdown and unloved I feel lately.

I'm working on taking this copyediting test for a fiction publisher. I'm really stuck on it and I need to finish and get it back asap, but it's really badly written but they want mechanical stuff from CEs, not really developmental or substantive stuff. I'm spending too much time analyzing every single sentence because I don't know if it's not enough, too much, the wrong thing, what. It needs much more than a copyedit, so it's such a struggle to figure out what's right. I really would like to do work for them even though it pays next to nothing (really, it's almost like volunteering!), just because of what they publish, but the pressure of what's right on this test makes it very hard to do. I hate tests, and I really don't believe in them, but it's the nature of this crappy field. I love the work of editing, but as a business it kinda sucks.

Back at the gym today after a week away, due to various factors. I didn't even get a chance to walk much last week to make up for it. It was much quieter today, and I'm hopeful that's a sign some of the noisier people are back at school or something. Guy who loves himself and tells everyone loudly about it is still there, but I noticed he was down to a one person, probably his girlfriend, so that automatically dampens the sound level. Without toadies, he's muted.

I feel very discouraged -- I haven't lost any noticeable weight after four months, and I don't think I'm going to lose any at all. Nothing looks different. I know I'm battling two major factors: i'm almost fifty (god, I hate saying that so very much), and I'm taking an antidepressant that I hear makes it harder to lose weight. I know it's supposed to be its own reward to be in shape, but I also need my clothes to fit because I don't have the money for new ones. I've been trying to wear things lately I haven't worn for a long time, but it's just uncomfortable. I can do longer, harder walks than before, so I realize there's progress, but it doesn't seem like anything outside is changing. It's difficult to battle the "what's the point if it doesn't help" thoughts. And I don't have a support network, before you ask.

I'm into my fourth week with the aligners as of today. I'm better at taking them off now, but when I start a new set, that's when I have the most trouble. Keeping them clean is a real challenge -- I'm seeing now how incredibly deep the grooves in my teeth are (which dentists have always worried about) and how rounded the shapes are, so that brushing them is a challenge because of the pockets and crannies. I still have moments of gagginess, sometimes at odd moments when I just realize that there are these things in my mouth.

However, my teeth are already straighter. It's quite fascinating. I looked at the fourth set and they really don't look all that different from the first, but they are. And even just on my second set here, I'm kind of astonished at how many of my teeth are are straightening quite well. My fangs are now pointing straight up and down instead of inward and forward. I'm most interested to see how it adjusts my bite.

Mostly I think it's just making me feel even uglier and more worthless than usual. I've felt really down and isolated and unwanted lately, and there's something about being old, fat, ugly, and having braces, even invisible ones, that just make you feel... well, honestly, except for the old part? This is just like when I was a 13-year-old starting a new school in a new area and being made fun of relentlessly and being friendless. Except I had acne then, too, although my skin has been horrible lately due to body changes and so I suppose that's not far behind.

I want to be excited about the fall tv season but nothing is floating my boat (except Glee). Even though two of my fave recent series have vampires in them, I'm not a vampire person at all, and so I will wait to see what people think of Vampire Diaries and if it sounds like a possibility, I guess I'll check it out. But that's almost the only thing I can see of interest. Everything else just sounds so derivative. But I'll still give most series, especially dramas, a shot by taking a look at their premieres just to be on the safe side. At least there's a bit of Project Runway still to come, Chuck midseason, and Burn Notice in January too. And DirectTV is showing all the episodes of Eyes starting in a couple weeks, so that will be nice to see the stuff I never got to before.

I'm really enjoying their 101 channel's showings of series that were cancelled and never got their eps burned off on network TV -- I recently watched both Smith and The Nine, and they showed Showtime's Sleeper Cell (where I first saw Star Trek reboot's Capt. Robau, and thought he was hot then too), and now they're running Oz and Deadwood, and it's so cool to see Deadwood in hi-def on the glorious widescreen TV. I'm still sad about losing my beloved Canadian station and a couple of the local sister stations of the affiliates, but... 101 kind of helps ease the sting.

What are you planning to watch this fall? Anything to sell me on besides Glee? (I have the pilot from iTunes, I just haven't watched it yet, but plan to.)

One good thing that's coming out of the whole shitstorm about the fanfiction survey fiasco? I'm finding all these cool people posting stuff on different threads that I want to add to my reading list. You wouldn't think it'd have an upside, but hey. There it is.

Yesterday was kind of a weird day. I took Dad down to visit his cousin in Olympia, who's 88 and whose daughter, a few years older than me, recently took him out of an assisted care facility after finding him to be mistreated rather badly. He didn't really remember Dad at first, even though they were great good friends when I was a kid, and doesn't often remember his daughter, but he did have some good moments where he and Dad were able to reminisce a bit. It made me happy that Dad was happy, and my cousin said that when she told her father we were coming down, his face lit up, but it also made me abysmally sad about everything that's got away over the years, about failing parents and the loss of my sister and just everything in between. Dad's four years younger than George, and he's all kind of bent over and using a cane and I noticed that the last black hairs on his head are all gone now, and it's snow white and he's largely bald. It's scary and sad and I wish so badly that sis_r was here to help me with this (not that she would, she'd just bitch me out for being a whiner and a depressing freak, but you know, that's how we were with each other).

I'm trying to use my d-dub account more often, as I haven't used it at all really, but I'm just so intimidated about uploading my icons. Someone said there was batch uploading... but I can't find it (maybe because I'm using Safari?). And I'm really intimidated by some of the things like commands for seeing comments made in one journal or another... Are there resources for people who are too stupid to do anything on their own (something along the lines of "A is for apple")?

I don't know when True Blood turned from a cheesy, tacky but pleasantly diverting TV series for me to the edge of my seat tension-fest that it is now (every single cliffhanger episode is killing me, I tell you!), but it sure has gone from "okay, I'll watch it if you want to" to must-see TV every week. If anyone knows spoilers for the rest of the season, please do tell me!! I can't stand the tension of watching shows live when I don't have a sense of what might happen. (srsly, I love spoilers -- gwynethr at gmail)

I adore practically everyone (and hate the ones we're supposed to hate, in that fun "I want them to die a horrible death" way), but I have developed a strange love for Jessica that I never would have seen coming before. But mostly what I find myself thinking the past couple weeks is that I wish Eric's crew at Fangtasia would get involved with the sitch in Bon Temps. Because Pam throwing down on Maryann? That is truly the stuff dreams are made of. I've never ever had a crazy fannish wish come true for a TV series as it's airing, but if this one came true, I would die happy.