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Stormy weather

It is…incredibly hard to motivate yourself to create anything when everything you do just bombs. The feeling of why bother is like a mountain in between you and the work, and you have no climbing gear to get over it, not even a rope.

My Yuletide assignment is…meh. I never expected that fandom and I have no ideas and my recipient still hasn't made a letter or given me any useful details, so it might be people in a white room, which I hate writing but there it is.

We are being pounded by storms in the Northwest (apparently the end of a typhoon!), and tonight is expected to be even worse than yesterday, which means I will most likely lose power and roads could be really iffy--and I have to do a presentation at 8:30 in the morning about a 40 minute drive from here (what kind of conference puts panels at 8:30 on a Sunday morning? It's inhuman). I'm really nervous about this, because I live in an area with lots of trees and I'll have to get across two bridges--and I'd hate to strand my co-panelist with the whole thing.

The fears are not unwarranted--this is what happened to my neighbor's tree across the street yesterday, so I'm very worried about my own house and yard, as well. Last time we had a high wind warning, a huge limb came off my fir tree and thank god it missed the house and the little tree nearby.


A lot of the stores are out of bottled water and basics; I have to pick up prescriptions and cat food and whatnot today, could be interesting. Thursday we had biblical rain, enough that I was really worried when killabeez and her spouse left my house because they needed an ark, really, for that trip. And then yesterday was more epic rain and winds, so tonight, with more rain and wind, could be…well, it was nice knowing everyone!

I'm leaving on Monday, too, for Washington DC and I'm crossing my fingers that flights aren't too affected. If anyone is in the area who might like to meet up, I'll have some time on my hands. I'll be staying in the west end neighborhood, but I can get pretty much anywhere in the city. It was a really super short notice trip, so I realize people might not be able to set something up that fast.

I hope to take a day trip up to NYC next Friday--I'd hoped to spend the weekend there like usual, but it didn't work out with my friend and now it might just be a day trip, taking a late train home. If anyone in New York might enjoy meeting up for drinks or dinner, let me know, I'd love to see someone while I'm there, though I know it's short notice. I was most hoping to see the Captain America statue, which I guess is…somewhere in Brooklyn now, not Prospect Park, but I'm not sure what the timing will be like

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Vid: Jet Song

This is probably terrible, but I couldn't help myself: every single time I saw Captain America: Civil War in the theatre, this song would play in my head when Steve walked out to the tarmac. I edited out the spoken word section in the middle (as well as the ethnic insults line, because it just didn't feel like it belonged in a vid that isn't about ethnic-based conflict), but the spoken dialog there is hilarious--"meet Tony and me at ten. And walk tall!" "We always walk tall, we're Jets! The greatest!"

Anyway, have a silly vid.

Also on tumblr.

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Falling Water

No, not the famous midcentury modern house. Just in case some of you tend to keep up with TV via others' posts, I thought I'd mention the fall premiere I'm most looking forward to, Falling Water on USA. It technically starts on October 13, although I believe the premiere ep is already out there, I'm a little confused by this. You can also watch the first ten minutes here. (Warning for some disturbing images and child loss/birth horror.)

It's canonical dreamsharing: three unrelated people realize they are dreaming separate parts of a single common dream. As is probably obvious from my last Steve/Bucky story, I loooove dreamsharing, and this has a really fantastic hallucinatory effect going on here, very mysterious and, well, dreamlike. In some ways it reminded me of certain parts of Charlie Jade. Gale Ann Hurd is one of the showrunners, and she usually does quality work. Of course since it's American TV there's what sounds like the fate of the world at stake and possibly a conspiracy, but I'm just really excited about the dreamscapes.

The best part for me is that the three main characters are played by Will Yun Lee (my heart!!! I'm so thrilled that he'll be a lead and not just someone's Asian sidekick!), David Ajala, and Lizzie Brochere, which means the story will be focused on an Asian man, a black man, and a white woman, which, let's face it, in dramas outside of Netflix is a racial makeup that's in pretty short supply. It looks like it might be filmed in New York so maybe we can hope for more in that respect, too, I'm keeping fingers crossed.

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Dear Yuletide Author

I'm super happy you are writing for me! Yay, we have fandoms in common and you love the same people I do -- this is wonderful, and I'm really looking forward to seeing what you come up with about these characters and fandoms we share a mutual love for. I may be adjusting this until signups are closed, but for now, this will suffice.

I used my Optional Details in the signup to provide more specific info on the individual fandoms or possible prompts, so I haven't added a lot of specifics here in this letter, just general thoughts about the fandoms I requested. I'm not always the best at providing prompts, but if you'd like more ideas than what's in the signup form, you can have the mods ping me and I'll do my best!

General stuff about me: I'm open to angst and romance and humor and slash and het and gen, character studies or long plotty stuff (I love plotty stuff), fluff or drama. I'd generally prefer not to have anything really grimdark, though, but if that's where your story goes, I'm not the kind of person who'd freak out about it. But I've been battling depression for a few years, so stuff that's going to make me more depressed might not be the healthiest thing. I love first times and falling in love, friendships, relationships between people who are equals. Friends to lovers might be my ultimate trope. Banter, sass, and having fun is always catnip to me.

Stuff I don't like includes BDSM/anything particularly kink-oriented (I don't mind mild, characters-flirting-with-some-kinks stuff, but if it's more than lightweight I might not be your best audience), non-con in any way, emotional abuse, any sort of animal harm, or deliberate cruelty. I'm not fond of AUs such as coffeeshops or sports or ABO, any of that sort of thing--what I tend to love about my fandoms is the canon universe they inhabit, that's what made me fall in love with them in the first place. What-if AUs (canon-divergence) can be really cool, though--I love it when someone comes up with a story off of one tiny element being changed! Obviously, I tend to hew pretty closely toward canon, is what I'm saying. :-D

Two of my requests involve twins, and I'm a twin, so I'm kind of sensitive to the way twins are often misrepresented in media--a little homework about twins and what we're really like would go a long way if you end up writing either TJ or Jack with their twins.

In some of my requests, I would love slash if I can get it (and you're comfortable with it), but slash doesn't automatically equal porn. For me it's about the depth of the bond between the characters, the discovery of a new intimacy or a strong connection. With straight relationships, I like seeing behind the expected: not simply love or sex because it's the standard, rather the exploration of what two characters may learn about one another or find in themselves through the relationship. I don't have anything against sex scenes (I love them!), but I prefer if a sex scene has a reason to exist within its story.

Some of the tropes and approaches I enjoy: right now, I really love hopeful endings, words that camouflage deeper/unspoken meanings, protectiveness, worry, extreme competence (with honest weakness), hurt/comfort, found or chosen families, partners against the world, nurturing via food/drink/warmth. Don't be afraid of the classics if you like 'em! Having to Share a Bed, Huddling for Warmth, Pretend Couple, situations where one suffers or sacrifices for the other, rescues, stranded somewhere (idyllic or non-), etc. And if you can write time travel of some sort, I'll probably fall in love with you.

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New fic: Sway with me

The coda to my Stucky big bang story Still Let Me Sleep that no one was really clamoring for:

Sway With Me (2673 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov
Additional Tags: Dreamsharing, Dreams, Reunions, Non-Linear Narrative
Series: Part 1 of Still Let Me Sleep

Steve loved nights like this most of all, where they went to sleep together yet met within their dreams. And he woke up to Bucky’s face here, too: light breaking on water.

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Yuletide and other things

After sort of taking a break from Yuletide (I ended up writing a treat, and someone wrote a treat for me, even though I wasn't signed up) last year I think I'll sign up this year. I was surprised to see that two other people nominated the little commercial fandom I nominated--the Android Rock Paper Scissors ad I fell in love with. I love stories of unlikely friendships and people sticking up for one another and having each other's backs (like, oh rlly, you say, pointing to the ridiculous amount of fanworks about Steve and Bucky), and there's so much potential for stories around these little characters, I think. So I've added it to the pimping post, too, and I confess it's one I hope someone writes for me so I can write something else that I've sort of vaguely got an idea for.

I'm definitely more on the fence about Festivids. I couldn't even get signed up last year and in the end, I was okay with that since taking off the year for all the challenges was a good one. I have a vid I'd like to make for a usually eligible fandom, but I also can just…make it without that, if I can find the external footage I'd like to work with to supplement the canon.

Speaking of challenges: thanks for the sometimes hilarious responses to my post about the Stucky Big Bang. I'm still bitter and angry about the whole thing and the way the mods just basically fucked those of us who aren't BNFs over, and the complete lack of support for making all of our fics more visible. It's been incredibly soul crushing to put that much work in and have no support, but even more just galling to see how much praise is heaped on them over it--but the most amazing thing? They said they're going to do it again. Ah ha ha ha. I can only hope that most of the smart people know better now and will run like the wind once it's announced, or will already be participating in a Stucky Big Bang that is being run on LJ for next year (I was going to link to it, but I can't find it on this computer and LJ utterly sucks at searches). All the credulous people will probably be excited, though.

You know what makes having a story bomb and disappear even worse? Weird or creepy comments, especially when they're almost the only comments you get. Like, are you insulting me, or is this your idea of a compliment, I can't tell. Or did you simply feel you had to share your antipathy toward [thing] because you needed a place to air grievances and I seemed like someone who'd care (hint: I'm not). The downright awful ones you can delete, sometimes, but occasionally you're just flummoxed and left with only a WTF? I know not every comment deserves a response (I'm one of those people who believes in responding to comments, and it's not exactly like it's a hardship), but so often I'm just left feeling deflated and can only sit there going, "thanks for sharing" in a regretful, Leslie Knope sort of voice.

Time to try to pep talk myself into finishing a fic.

ETA: Oh, and I meant to say--I watched the first few episodes of Kristen Bell's new series The Good Place, and I thought it was cute and okay but I was totally blown away by the guy who plays her soulmate, Chidi Anagonye (William Jackson Harper). Like, I immediately was upset that nominations for Yuletide happened so early that I wouldn't be able to nominate it, since it hadn't premiered yet. But it was on the tagset! Someone did somehow manage to nominate it, and now there might actually be fic for Chidi and Tahani Al-Jamil (oh god, I love her) and all the rest of the characters. I am really happy with this. The show is charming and weird and that slightly askew quality that I really enjoy, but seriously, Harper as Chidi is just a thing of beauty and I'm completely in love.

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No bobblehead for you

I had to go down to the mall yesterday for reasons, and I thought I'd stop off at the Target nearby--I saw that they had an exclusive Funko Pop bobblehead Bucky with the missing metal arm, and while that horrifies me and saddens me, I am also a completist and I figured I could pick up the Civil War blu-ray disc too. But no bobblehead for me--there was not much to be found, even though it's a huge store compared to the one near me, which I avoid going to like the plague (partly for reasons of Target being a huge contributor to right-wing politicians, especially in their home state of Minnesota, and partly because jesus it's like my nightmare with screaming kids and screaming parents and all this mass merchandise cheaply made crap), and while they did have the Captain America First Avenger shirt I've been thinking about buying, and in a size I can wear, I just didn't want to buy from them if they didn't also have the Bucky bobblehead. Maybe I'll see if one shows up on eBay I can afford for a self birthday present or something.

I also couldn't remember which version of the blu-ray I wanted to buy--I saw a post on tumblr that listed all the different special bonus features, but for the life of me I can't find it again. I hate it when studios do these kinds of things, and I didn't enjoy the movie, but I do want to have it so I can at least fast forward to all the Cap family bits.

I met up with my BFF and we grabbed some lunch and then went down to the marina and he was going to show me how Pokemon Go works--I have no game gene, and less than zero interest in it, but I'm always curious about other people's fandoms so I had wanted to see what it was like so I could make some of the stuff I see around the net make sense. Unfortunately it was an unexpected millionty degrees out and there was no shade, we were getting the sun beating down on us from above and reflected up from the water, and we couldn't really see much of the screen on his phone. But it was kind of hilarious, I thought: apparently there are tons of the poke things around the marina and so there were dozens and dozens of people walking along the waterfront, phones in front of their faces. Apparently BFF usually goes at night, and the people who live on boats and in the condos lining the waterfront are all pretty cranky that there are suddenly tons of people wandering around at night so they're thinking of closing the entire area (it's pretty huge) off after ten, or just flat-out banning them. He was commenting that he's down there almost every night, he hasn't seen a single rowdy person ever, but the people who live there and moor boats there just don't want those brown people or those young people defiling their neighborhood by their presence.

I haven't written anything at all since the big bang, I'm trying to find the impetus when I don't really feel like it or like it's worth the time. But I did get one thing done related to the BB story--I actually didn't expect anyone to ask for the list of songs Steve would have heard on the radio when Bucky came back into the dream, but a couple people did, so I made the first of two playlists on YouTube and 8tracks--I don't expect anyone else to be interested, but the links are here on this tumblr post with a listing of songs. This one is for 1950s-1960s, and I'm still noodling with the one for 1970s through the aughts when Steve wakes up.

(I also was notified that there is a new Stucky Big Bang starting up on LJ, which…intrigues me. They said it was for people who missed the deadline for participation in the last one, but I kind of wondered if it might have something to do with the way so many of us got fucked over in the stucky library one.)

The other thing I'm working on is the sections for the One Hour Vid that astolat and killabeez began at their VVC panel--making a crowdsource vid, basically, at the con, but it wasn't finished there. They took volunteers so we could make the whole vid, and I'm trying to relearn how to work in Premiere but it defeats me utterly. On the surface it seems like Final Cut, but it has all these tiny differences that make no sense to me and frustrate the living shit out of me. I've got the clips laid in for the first section I volunteered for, I just can't figure out how to make it work visually because of the window settings and cutting people out of the frames.

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Catching up...

I promised download links to the two Vividcon vids--hallo spaceboy and dangerous--when I returned from Chicago, but then I fell down the hole of trying to finish my Stucky Big Bang fic on time, so they never went up. For the, like, two people who want to download higher res files, you can find them both at my vids site now. The spaceboy DL is pretty large, but that was the lowest size I could get without completely losing quality, for some reason. (I think my site is not viewable on mobile devices and some other things make it hard to access; I don't know what or why, and I don't really have the knowledge to know how to fix it. If anyone might be interested in helping me figure out how to fix it so it's more accessible, I'd love to talk to you, maybe I could pay you in a vid or fic.)

Man, it's one thing to expect a fic to do poorly but it's another thing for it to bomb completely. I feel so sorry for my artist, throwing in with me. Anyone who collaborates with me, really; they could pick literally anyone else in fandom and get more recognition or responses on their work.

I've had some run-ins with truly wretched customer service and support lately, and I'm just…I never feel quite so alone and hopeless as I do when confronted with people who expect me to solve problems I'm not in any way capable of solving on my own/too disabled by my back to do/don't have tool or skill sets and are then just fed up or plain nasty at me for it. And I'd really rather not pay astronomical sums for the privilege of their help, but I'm kind of stuck, and they make you feel so small for being floored by what they want to make you pay.

I cannot find rumchata anywhere in this fucking town. But I did learn where to get an actual cruller in this fucking hipster donut infested asshole city, so that's one thing. (Seriously, if you ever think your city is infested with idiotic hipsters, come to Seattle or Portland and we'll quickly disabuse you of that notion. They're like termites or rodents of unusual size.)

New fic: Stucky Big Bang

So, in a fit of madness, I signed up for the Stucky Big Bang last May. Through a lot of circumstances, mostly to do with unpleasantness that made it hard to write but some other stuff too, I really struggled to get through this, but somehow I eked out 40,000 words of dreamsharing awfulness. But the best thing was that an artist signed up for my fic who turned out to be incredible, and incredibly inspiring for me to reach the finish line--one of the art pieces is an animated gif, I kid you not--and I'm actually way more excited about the amazing art than anything else.

Still Let Me Sleep (40489 words) by gwyneth rhys, Riakomai
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Marvel 616
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Thor
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Peggy Carter, Jimmy Jupiter (Marvel), Thor (Marvel), Natasha Romanov, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Heimdall (Marvel), Frigga (Marvel), Jim Morita
Additional Tags: Dreamsharing, Dreamscapes, The Land of Nowhere, Road Trips, Asgard, Grief/Mourning, See the USA in your Chevrolet (with an Asgardian prince), We're Dream Engineers

When the Valkyrie hits the water, Steve doesn’t die. Instead, he crawls out of the wreckage and finds himself in an amazing, confusing land that could be the alternate universe of Nowhere—or it could be his dreams. And he gradually realizes he’s not the only one. Steve doesn’t know if he’s even alive, but he’s certain of this: Bucky’s there with him, sharing his dreams, and outside their idyllic world, he’s suffering. Something is terribly wrong. Steve has to find Bucky—if he can. But how does he do that in a new century where he feels like he’s all alone?

Thanks so much to [personal profile] sineala for all the BB advice and helping me with the summary and just being a sounding board.
So…that was an…eventful week.

Last Thursday, wickedwords and I were heading out around noon for VVC, and our flight got delayed for at least 45 minutes, so there was some frantic texting with astolat about dinner plans because we'd be coming in so late (I swear both of us actually thought the tickets she bought for us were for the 10 am flight), but then poor astolat ended up being delayed even longer than us due to the thunderstorms around everywhere. Turned out the restaurant closed at 9, which, what the hell, so it was Outback for us, but we got to hang and unwind a little, and catch up, and she saved my sanity by having extra earplugs, which I'd forgotten to pack. It was hilarious on the outbound flight, though: while we were waiting to board, we were just loud enough that jarrow heard us and came over to say hi, because he was on the same flight. Rache and I got seated, her in the middle seat, me in the aisle, and after a few minutes of people coming down the aisle I heard her guffaw and looked up to see jarrow there--he had the window seat next to us. We laughed and laughed--and it was great because he and I were both writing fic and that way you definitely don't have to worry about hiding your laptop with your slash on it.

Chicago was fucking hot--like, knock you back when you step out on the jetway from the plane hot. And I struggled almost the whole time with it, even when it was raining and the heat index dropped a little. We at least got to the store on Friday for some stuff, and I didn't feel like I was going to drop from heat stroke, but man, there were definitely days on this trip that I thought it might happen.

Someone had reblogged an old fic announcement post about Dream of Caramel, which had generated a little flurry of interest in the fic, and more reblogs, so that was an unexpected, rare little bit of pleasantness that made my weekend a lot brighter. Friday night was the premieres show this year, and I'd been more than a little surprised to see, when I got my reg stuff on Thursday, that the vid cesperanza and I made this year was listed first. OMG the pressure! It seemed to go over well, and I posted it that night when I was hanging out in destina's room, though I was a tiny bit tipsy and made a bunch of typos.

I did not expect the flurry of reblogs and comments and stuff! That doesn't usually happen for my vids so it was very cool but also kind of overwhelming and I spent Saturday in a bit of a haze (pleasant, don't get me wrong, but definitely a haze). Got dressed in my Bucky Barnes red henley and dark gray t-shirt, dark jeans, and shooting glove and baseball cap, for Club Vivid, and it was so funny watching people look at me and do a doubletake, thinking I wasn't in a costume and then realizing that I was, and who I was dressed as. I didn't dance as much as I wanted to, because of the aforementioned overheating--I just couldn't seem to get my feet under me half the time, between the Chicago steambath and the hot flashes and all that. My vid, Dangerous, was early on in the show, and for once, the entire dance floor didn't empty out when my vid came on! Yay! Plus it got the anxiety out of the way so I could enjoy the rest of the show. Absolutedestiny brought back some great old vids and it was really a wonderful show this year, I thought.

Sunday was more vid shows and panels and hanging out, and watching the number of notes climb on tumblr--it was all so fascinating. I didn't attend a lot of panels or shows over the weekend, preferring to hang with people I don't get to see much like destina and kassrachel and dorinda and par avion and talitha78, and it was really, really nice to spend time with people and just talk, especially when people were willing to indulge my desire to talk about Steve and Bucky or go get a cruller with me. :-D

Because of the Sebastian Stan fiasco, I was still planning to stay in Chicago for a few days, and I took an Uber into the city. I was planning to work on my Stucky Big Bang story and hang with devilpiglet and a couple other Chicago people--before I left, the artist who signed up for my fic sent me two additional sketches for my story and they are so amazing, it was so inspiring to see art come from my words, I just…it really made that push to get toward the end of the story so much easier, and I'm so excited to see the final drawings they do.

Monday night I spent with devilpiglet at a nice Thai place across from the hotel, and when I got back I had an email from cesperanza asking me about the YouTube file for our vid--she said there were some repeating clips and I thought, no, that must be some kind of browser issue, but nope, it was…completely, utterly borked, for the entire second half of the vid. It was SO bizarre--there were at least a dozen clips that basically cut off and then repeated, which in some cases cut the already tight editing down and made it look like I had flash frames in and that I was a terrible editor. I was sick to my stomach. There wasn't a thing I could do about it, though, except put a note on the YT file and the AO3 page and let people know they might want to wait till I was home to link or rec. I'd watched the vid at least twice a day from the moment I posted it, because I don't trust YT and I was using a different codec, but it was always fine, until, apparently, it wasn't.

I also checked Dangerous and the beginning of that one was messed up. I didn't sleep at all Monday night, I was ragged and exhausted with trying to figure out what had happened, and angsting over the whole thing. In the morning on Tuesday I checked Dangerous first, and it was…fine. But I noticed YT had removed the 1080p quality setting and now only allowed a max of 720p. I just had no idea what to make of anything, but I went out to Starbucks for breakfast and then I wanted to walk over to the Miracle Mile, because I'd never seen that when I've been in Chicago before.

When I got there I opened up tumblr, just to check how the vids were doing, and saw that I had a personal message from someone, and it turned out to be the person who's doing a new stucky fic recs site that is really well written and thoughtful. She said she'd been reading my stuff and liking it, and that made me just…forget all about the Sturm und Drang of the Spaceboy fiasco, but then she added that she'd written up a rec for I can't remember how this started (but I can tell you exactly how it ends), my Winter Soldier-goes Groundhog Day story, and I swear I nearly swooned right there in Starbucks. Like, I never expected in a million years that I, a no-name fan, would ever get a story recced there. It made me feel so much better. I got a handful of comments and kudos from it, which, combined with the comments on Spaceboy and Dangerous, left me feeling better enough to spend the day writing in my room instead of rending my garments and screaming at YT, with breaks for a swim and seeking out food. Then devilpiglet and I hit the hotel bar and had a light dinner and she introduced me to rumchata (in the form of milkshakes) and OMG where has that been all my life? I am buying a bottle of that next time I hit the store, for sure.

We'd planned to go to the Shedd aquarium on Wednesday, but I kind of hit a wall, so she took me to see the beach at the lake, another thing I've never really done, but…I totally crapped out on her. The anxiety about the vid had kind of done me in, and the heat was killing me. We did stop to eat at a cool '70s diner place, and walked through some beautiful neighborhoods with amazing houses, and went to this really neat architectural salvage place, and then she took me to the airport. We got there earlier than expected, but I was so glad we left when we did after she texted me later and told me about Obama's visit basically shutting down the expressway, so yay for that. Of course my flight was delayed, but I hung out for a while at this nice bar we discovered a few years ago in the L terminal, and the bartender admired my Bucky Barnes shirt. Needless to say I gave him a nice tip. After some more delays it was home again, home again, and I got home very late last night to an insanely loving kitty cat.

This morning I got up and started to work on exporting a new video file to upload to YT, start fixing things. One of the things I hate about YT is that you can't fix a video, you have to reupload to a whole new page, and that means all the links will break and whatnot. But I got a text just as I was opening up Final Cut, from cesperanza, saying that it seemed to be playing fine, so we talked about it on the phone while I watched it and yup, it was totally unborked. I have this once-bitten feeling, like I can't trust it's not going to happen again, but as she put it, it's a chance to reblog the announcement and whip up more interest, so that was today. I have no idea why it happened, I can only assume YT made some kind of code change like they're always doing (the timing on the vid even changed, and I notice it still only allows 720p), but I feel like they took about 6 years off my life and they owe me, the bastards. So right now it's fine, and if you were waiting to watch because of my notes on the AO3 page, go cast your eyeballs upon it and enjoy!

And now I'm very sleepy, still on Chicago time, but I think I will see how much writing I can do tonight, and hope to finish this damn story by tomorrow. Posting deadline is the 29th, but wow, do I have a lot of editing and rewrites to get through, and I don't want to wait till the last minute. I've had enough of bad things happening for a while, and I feel like that's courting fate.

It's been a wild rollercoaster of a week, full of drama and trauma and ongoing saga, and lots of people I love and really sweet things happening and vids and fic and just a flurry of Things That Don't Usually Happen to Me.

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New vid from Club Vivid: Dangerous

It was totally an accident of fate that both my vids this year were Stucky vids, I swear. Sorry for the relentless tide of Steve/Bucky visuals.

I'll have download info when I return. On AO3 | on Tumblr

Thanks to destina for the beta. Feedback & reblogs are adored!

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New vid from VVC: Hallo Spaceboy

A couple years ago, cesperanza and I started talking about this vid, but we'd bring it up and then forget about it, until this year, with David Bowie's death, it seemed the time to do it. It was fun to collaborate with someone again, and I think the end result turned out pretty good.

Many thanks to killa for the song edit and the graphic.

On AO3 | on Tumblr

Feedback is adored!

When I return home I'll have the high-quality download available at my vids site.

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We are go for launch

Hair cut and color: check
Bags packed and bag-tag holder acquired: check
Bucky Barnes cosplay items packed: check
Vids uploaded to YouTube for the annual posting roundelay nightmare: check
Boarding pass printed: check
Horrifically overpriced ride to airport set up: check
Cat food/litter stocked up: check
iTunes playlists and Spotify offline playlists that had been mysteriously wiped off the new phone added: check

Vividcon five by five

I know I'm forgetting something, I always forget something (and no, making a list never helps, because I inevitably leave something off the list that I need for that specific venue), but at this point, I guess I've done the most important things. I'm waffling on bringing this small "free" tablet I got when I got the new phone--I'm not super fond of the Android interface, it makes no sense to me, and I was kind of pissed when I found out I was locked into a two-year phone data plan for it when I'd never asked for it in the first place, and didn't know that's what they were doing, but that way I wouldn't have to squint at the phone for fic, or put the laptop on my chest. I'm not really planning to read a lot because OMG the Stucky Big Bang deadline is fast approaching and I really, really have to get busy and finish this. I still have so much to write, so so much, and then editing, because I'm not one of those people who can write great first drafts, anything good I do comes in the editing passes.

I thought we were leaving two hours earlier than we are, so we're not getting in till pretty late, but I will see many of you on Friday, I'm sure.

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Stupid plastic piece of crap

I'm wondering if anyone in the vast knowledge of my flists might know the answer to this--searching has given me nothing. I've spent over an hour trying to poke around on my iPad and turn things off to see if it helped, and nothing's working.

I have beta'd for someone using google docs on my iPad twice now, and the first time everything was a piece of cake, it worked really well for me because I can't sit at a computer for long, so I could read lying down and comment as necessary. This time, though, it was doing this weird thing that baffles me: it was slow as molasses, taking time to register each letter I typed as though it was searching for something, and then it was trying to autofill contact names I didn't even recognize. I eventually just started randomly typing in names to see if it was their contacts list or mine, and it looks like they are really really old contacts I don't even much remember--probably people who wrote back in the very early days of email. They're not even people I have in a contacts list, just…random people I don't even recognize for the most part.

I can't find anything about this in a search. I've turned off iCloud (kind of irrelevant, because it's my old email address, and I don't use it, because it won't let me change my email address for love or money), I've turned off the ability to access contacts, I've got locatin sharing off, basically anything I can think of. Nothing changes. It still randomly pops up with that little circle that iOS now gives you of contacts, with their initials, and the name and email address, trying to insert that into the comments I'm trying to leave on the google doc.

I'd like to use this if someone asks me to beta for them again, but not if this is going to be the case, because it's a level of maddening I can't quite deal with. I'm updating the OS right now, but I don't have a lot of hope that'll change. I can't figure out why it worked so well before (and works just fine on the computer and laptop), but won't let me comment on the iPad without trying to insert an email contact from someone I'm not even in contact with.

(And no, the person who's sent these has never seen this either. It seems to just be happening to me.) Has anyone else encountered this? It's freaking bizarre.

God I hate Chicago

I fucking knew it. I just knew this would happen--I made plans to stay in Chicago for a week after Vividcon to see Sebastian Stan at Wizard World, something I’ve never done before (I’m not usually an actor-con type person), but I figured I was in the city anyway and he’ll never come out here to the Northwest. Guess who just cancelled?

And now I’m stuck there with a nonrefundable plane ticket and the costs of all these goddamn hotels, and there’s literally no one I give a shit about seeing there other than meeting up with my friends who were also going to see Sebastian. They didn’t even say whether the refund means the entire cost of admission, or if I’ll have to buy an actual pass for the fucking con, a con I really have no interest in attending. I have always hated Chicago--every time I go there something shitty happens, last year was the only year I’ve gone where it was actually a relatively pleasant trip and no disasters. I should have known.

I am so bummed. I didn’t really care about the autographs, but I was looking forward to actually seeing his pretty face in person and he's always such an entertaining panelist.

Jul. 19th, 2016

Today/last night is the worst day.

A year ago, I lost my beloved kitty Olive, and I know she was just a cat, but not a day goes by still that I don't think of her and miss her and hurt over how she died. When I started pulling out my summer stuff to wear there was still her fur on a lot of things, and I occasionally find the little toys she buried in odd places around the house.

And it's five years ago that we lost Sandy, and I still miss her so much it aches and her laugh and her sense of humor. I was vidding a lot the last few months, and I kept trying to hear the Snady voice in my head reminding me of things, and just wishing I could hear the real voice.

I know I never seem to post much here these days except sadness and fic announcements. I guess that's a fairly good summary of my life lately. There doesn't seem to be a lot in between, but I keep hoping to do better, and be more active.

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New fic: Stealing Home

The last of the baseball series, for Steve Rogers's birthday.

Stealing Home (6737 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Avengers Team (MCU)
Additional Tags: Baseball, Birthday, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Steve Rogers Feels, Kissing
Series: Part 5 of Batter Up (Baseball)

They sat that way for some time, keeping their eyes on the field, enjoying the companionship, when one of those random memories about Steve that bedazzled him from time to time sparked inside him, warm and fond.

“We played ball during the war, didn’t we? Or we tried to and...you were too good to play. Something like that.”

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I've been trying to fill the prompts people left me a few weeks ago in my DW. I've only managed to do two so far, but I hope I can do at least one this weekend if not two; sorry it's taken so long, it's just been work busy and other things busy and I'm trying to beat the VVC deadline as well.

I'll try to update this post as I get more. I never know what to do with these things, though--I think they're all going to be pretty short, so it seems like maybe consolidating them would be good, that last time I posted all the kissing commentfics separately and I don't know if that's just irritating, especially if you're subscribed to someone's page. So I haven't done anything except post the little memorial day ficlet to my AO3 page because that wasn't for a prompt.

I'm still open to prompts, too, if you're interested. Links so far:

Bucky rediscovering something he enjoys | on Tumblr (with some changes)
Did Sam and Bucky try to talk Steve out of the Beetle

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Hey, wait, I got a new complaint

Ugh, I'm sicker than a dog, and there is all this stuff to do and deadlines to meet. Usually the first three days of a cold are the worst and then I get better; it's been the opposite this time, I was just mildly inconvenienced the first three days and then yesterday got hit with full-on Martian Death Flu.

Nevertheless I had wanted to do something for my 3,000th post on Tumblr, because normally I never notice the milestones but for some reason I did this time, and it was Memorial Day, and I was watching the first Captain America movie and thinking about that great kid who gets thrown in the water, and wrote this dumb little tumblr ficlet that you can also read here.

DedicationCollapse )

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I'm faded

Man, I know lately it's been a struggle for me, with so many things that keep piling up and piling up on the depression (watching my fandom get eaten alive, constantly getting confronted with these people who hate my fic/me and the really shitty things they say, my pain levels getting worse and worse and no real way out of it, that feeling like everything's falling apart in slo-mo and I don't have anyone left in my life to help me put the brakes on, they're all dead), but I wasn't expecting to have a guest lecture tip me over the edge into full meltdown mode yesterday. I don't know how people who teach for a living do it. My hat is off to you. Seriously. Especially people who teach adult learners who act like they actively don't want to learn.

I used to teach in the editing program at the University of Washington, but I can't say I ever enjoyed it, though there was always a rock star student or two who made it feel worthwhile; then the program wanted to make my optional practicum course mandatory and I was like, nope, not enough spoons, too busy with paying jobs (the sheer volume of work it would have entailed at the laughable compensation they were giving me was ridiculous), and ended up creating a one-day proofreading workshop through the program instead. I really enjoyed that so much more, despite the constant fucking-up the program support staff did on it, and the people who took it seemed to mostly enjoy it and get a lot of useful information. Then the U decided to not offer it, without telling me or involving me in the decision, and so now I just do guest lectures on some of the stuff I used to teach in the practicum at the now-mandatory class. I went a few weeks ago to the first of the spring classes--two different units, one in a.m. and one in p.m., and then the second set yesterday.

And they're completely black and white: what I'm talking about is kind of boring and unpleasant, building an editing career stuff, so I try to make it funny and engaging and lively, and the morning crowd both times was enthusiastic, engaged, laughing at all my jokes, asking lots of questions. Thanking me afterward for coming. The afternoon crowd is…well, dead, my friend who runs the class called it, but it felt almost hostile both times. They sat there unmoving, staring at me, even a couple who had resting hate face maybe but they seemed like they were glaring, unresponsive, never laughed or even smiled except one lone woman, and had no questions. Either time, not a single question. Both times this guy sat sort of right in front of me so I couldn't avoid him in the sight line and he never moved once, just sat there staring at me with what felt like contempt, it was downright creepy.

And something about that just made all this other stuff (and there's a lot of it, not just those things I mentioned) just implode inside me and it was a struggle not to come home and buy a package of double stuff Oreos and a carton of Ho-Hos and a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi and maybe a bottle of vodka and eat until I barfed myself into a coma (I didn't though). I don't even know why that was the final straw, but it just…ugh. And then reading this constant attack on characters I love in the Cap-verse made me wander around the house wringing my hands and urgently texting people my anguish, who couldn't respond because they have, you know, a life.

I have to get the energy/motivation to work on a VVC premieres vid but I'm at sea about what to do with it; I feel like the last couple vids I've made have been pretty abject failures. I came out of Winter Soldier with at least 12 story ideas and a burning desire to write; the closing of the canon in Civil War makes me not even want to finish the unwritten things I have, though I'm officially signed up for the Stucky Big Bang and have sent in my summary, so I have to do that.

Maybe I should take a page out of [personal profile] sholio's book, which is always a good book to take from: Send me a prompt with Captain America-verse characters and I'll write at least a 100-word ficlet for you in comments. I can't promise it'll be right away, and I can't promise to do all of them (especially if it's not in my wheelhouse) but I'll do my best with my admittedly limited spoons right now.

Out of the past

October 2016

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