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Since everyone has asked

Okay, I'm super behind on my Snowflake Challenge, but since people keep asking me--

Yes I saw the new X-FilesCollapse )

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Snowflake challenge day 12

Day 12

What makes you fannish? And by that we mean, what is it about a tv show/movie/book/band/podcast/etc that takes you from, "Yeah, I like that," to "I need MOAR!!!" Is it a character? A plotline? The pretty? Subtext that’s just screaming to be acknowledged?

In your own space, tell us what it is that gets you to cross that line into fandom. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

I wish I knew! Because then I would be able to find fandoms on purpose!

I know more of what I don't respond to: No one can pimp me into feeling fannish about something. It's not possible. I have to find it on my own, discover whatever it is that will make me go from 0 to 60 by watching it by myself, it's very much an internal process for me. You can show me the work, but it won't happen to me if you sit me down to watch it or tell me to read fic. I have never gotten into a fandom by reading fic or watching vids for something I didn't know.

I know that I have never been hardcore fannish about a book, though I will sometimes read fic for certain books. I'm mostly motivated by visual media, and in particular certain types of characters, and certain types of actors. I'm pretty much impervious to fannish osmosis when it comes to someone, an actor or a singer or whatever--I'll absorb the information, but never the squee, if I'm not already inclined to it.

Talent is a huge thing for me--actors who are serviceable rarely cut it. I'm as shallow as the next person, but if the best they can do is hit their marks and say lines, I'm rarely going to respond to them at that level.

So I wish I knew what changes those things, what makes me go from "don't care" to ALL THE FEELS. I remember being fannish about Buffy, for instance, and I'd made some vids, but the thing that made me want to write all the fic was Spike falling in love with Buffy. Almost the instant that happened, I was writing fanfic. There was something about the impossible UST of it, of a character I loved falling against his will for another character I loved, and something about that alchemical reaction turned lead into gold for me. But it hasn't been that way for other fandoms or ships. And I wasn't super fannish about the first Cap movie, or Steve in general, until somewhere along the line watching Avengers again, and then Winter Soldier came out and it hit something inside me, just an explosion of feelings that I didn't have before for those characters--sad Steve, lonely and against the world, developing friendships over the course of the film (I'm sure that a male-female friendship played a huge part for me), finding out the person he loved most in the world was alive…it seemed to be a perfect recipe to tip me over the edge, plus the acting in that was so elevated from Avengers and the story was so tight and fascinating and just…a perfect storm.

I think there has to be some kind of openness to the story, something else that needs exploring. Something that hasn't been said, so I want to say it.

So I wish I could bottle that. I feel weird lately, how most of my other fandoms are small and background and I'm still so focused on Cap fandom. I wish I could figure out what the elements are that could make me excited about more things.

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Snowflake challenge day 11

Day 11

In your own space, make a list of at least 3 things that you like about yourself. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

Yeah, I don't know. I can't really do this. I'm hard pressed to think of even one thing I like about myself.

I mean, I guess there are things that are okay or acceptable, but like? no. Especially because throughout my life, the things I might have liked have always been thrown back at me as terrible things when people got angry with me.

1. I guess I have a pretty good sense of timing in vids.

2. I'm good at finding music, for my own vids and other people's.

3. I have a pretty decent aesthetic eye.

I hate this challenge day.

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Snowflake challenge day 10

Day 10
In your own space, post a rec for fannish and/or creative resources and spaces. Tell us where you go to dig up canon facts for your fandom, or where you get all the juicy details about your favorite ship. Where do you like to hang out and squee like a squeeing thing? Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

So, [personal profile] minim_calibre posted some great resources here and I'm just gonna say you should go look at hers. [personal profile] killabeez also has posted some great resources.

But me? I don't have a lot of things that I can rec people, because my research is often so idiosyncratic and centered around what I want to write that I can't imagine it being of use to anyone. For instance, I wanted to fill the prompt in the kissing meme for Steve/Bucky, baseball, which led me to look up casual baseball leagues in the '30s in NYC, and uniforms, and then that started me down a road toward which year the Dodgers might be playing a double-header on Steve's birthday, which led me to Bucky Walters, the famous pitcher back then, and television (finding out the first televised baseball game ever was the date when Bucky Walters pitched against the Dodgers in Brooklyn), which led me to an idea for baseball being played by soldiers in WWII so I started researching the where, when, and how of it. I can't imagine anyone else caring about that sort of research, so...

And I don't belong to any prompt communities or things that are designed to inspire writers, though sometimes I wish I could be. I tend to avoid those, because I know a lot of people who like sex kink and rape stories post there, and I really fucking hate seeing that stuff show up in front of my eyes because then I'm stuck with their summaries in my head for days and it's very upsetting. I loved the kissing fest that such heights put on last February, because the prompts were so interesting and fun. But I tend to stick with my little corner.

I will say that, much as I hate Tumblr as a tool because I think it's the most poorly designed website ever and it just keeps getting worse and worse to use, I've gotten a lot of fic ideas out of it. Meta and art and photography have sometimes been inspirational; and there's the squee factor, writ large. I know it was a huge portion of what made the summer of 2014 so spectacular for me, because at the time I was watching the movie every week in the theatre I was also seeing hundreds of gifsets and pics and meta and vids crossing my dashboard.

So my source seems to be…mostly myself. Seeking out what I'll respond to, delving into research for whatever new thing I'm working on. Talking about it often with friends helps, and I have a BFF who has a deep, deep knowledge of military stuff and WWII stuff that I can poke around in and talk about with. Inspiration can come from the strangest places sometimes--when I was working on Things We Lost in the War, I was copyediting a guidebook about living abroad in France. I was reading about the Masif Central and the hundreds of hot springs there, and I realized I had the fix for a segement of the story that had been bothering me for months. I just couldn't find a way to make it work to my satisfaction, even with all the WWII material I was sifting through, and then that little hot springs note made me remember some other stuff about the area I'd read in a book about the war, and just--pow! Fixed the whole section.

(And speaking of min, she also posted a list of reseources about mental health in WWII, and perusing that back in 2014 helped Dark Approach, because buried in some of that I found a treatment discussion for combat fatigue, which led to a whole other thing, and so on down the line, and helped me with the final chapter of the story.)

There's just always little fragments of information that I love to latch on to, whether it's from online resources or something that floats by in tumblr or something someone says to me.

ETA: Ooo! I did think of one resource that can be helpful for people writing historical fic: The American Heritage Dictionary of Idioms. There are a lot of extremely popular stories in Cap fandom that just kind of enrage me because they're so full of anachronistic phrasing that it ruins anything they write for me. You can often find out the date of origin for a word or phrase in a decent dictionary or even just a quick google search, but I've also come to love my AH idiom dictionary to double check on certain oddball English idiomatic phrases. They don't have a lot of sweary ones and some things are missing that I wish they'd address, but god, every time I see a historically set story where someone's saying "freaking out" or "gross" or something, I want to beat them over the head with this book. We have this tendency to take for granted that words always meant what they mean now, as if English isn't this constantly evolving language, and especially pop culture phrases, I wish writers would check more. Even if you can't check out an idiom dictionary from the library, there are people out there who can find out for you pretty quickly.

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Snowflake challenge day 9

I skipped Day 8 as well, since I have been interacting in spaces a lot lately.

Day 09

In your own space, set some goals for the coming year. They can be fannish or not, public or private. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

This one's a bit hard for me. There are all these things I want to do--work out more, walk more, be a better person, earn more money/get more clients who actually want to pay me, but a lot of things feel very much out of my control. The biggest thing would be to find some way to reduce my constant unending back pain, but nothing so far has helped, and I don't have the funds to really try anything else. I don't know that surgery's off the table medically speaking, but I have no one to help me out post-surgery, and from everyone I've spoken to who had this kind of back issue, they are pretty debilitated for a while. So. I try to figure out other things, but it's both an expensive and time-consuming route.

I did already check off one thing on my list of goals, though--the other day Killabeez and Mr. Killabeez came down to help me figure out how to back up my system so I won't have something happen like last year, where my video card died and I was terrified I was going to lose all my vid stuff like I did in the hard drive crash a few years ago. Plus we had lunch at the Swinery, which I've tried to get up to for years and never did, and oh god, it's pork heaven (plus other things! but pork OMG).

Fannish goals, I honestly don't know. I have tons of fic ideas, but I feel like a lot of times I'm the only writer who instead of building an audience in a fandom by posting lots of fic, has actually done the inverse and fewer and fewer people want to read anything. So my big goal is to try to ignore the fact that I feel worthless and push on. I don't think I can write even a quarter of these things and work at the same time before Civil War comes out, and that feels like a sword hanging over my head, because it'll pretty much torpedo everything I want to do.

This is the first time in 20 years I'm not going to Escapade, unless something wild changes my mind and I rush off on the spur of the moment. But I would like to do a vid, only it's Jan. 15 and I haven't done anything. I want to make more vids, if I could get my pain under control. But it's tough, with the worthlessness feeling (see above). Depression and that sense of you're not worth anything if you're not achieving highly really do a number on my creative impetus, plus the work I do tends to eat up time and doesn't really allow me much leeway when it comes in. Freelance is a weird life.

I'd also really like to read more books that aren't for work. Much of what I read for work is pretty atrocious, and it's been hard to finish anything for years. But last year I read two whole fiction books, so I would like to continue that and do more.

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Snowflake challenge day 7

Day 7

In your own space, share a favorite piece of original canon (a TV episode, a song, a favorite interview, a book, a scene from a movie, etc) and explain why you love it so much. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

So behind!

I couldn't decide here what I wanted to share, but I remembered looking for this scene from La Femme Nikita a while ago for a friend who was working on a book. She is a good writer, solid and workmanlike, but because she's super analytical and has an engineer's brain, everything is kind of flat, and her characters don't seem to have a lot of interior life or express any intense emotions. She'll describe them that way, but it often doesn't come to life on the page in our critique group readings until she gets feedback from us. I was telling her about this scene because she had a section where her protagonists in a thriller romance were in a horrible situation, and how this show was such a perfect series to rip off for fiction.

La Femme Nikita, WarCollapse )

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Moondust will cover you

Friday I was in the car a lot, and listening to a radio station here in Seattle called KEXP, which is listener supported and plays the most amazing music. People are always asking me how I find such cool stuff for vids, and a lot of it came from KEXP (they stream online, and I highly recommend the station). Friday was Bowie day, in honor of his birthday and the release of his new album. They had dug up such rare treasures, and cuts you usually don't hear, and talked facts, a lot of which I'd never even heard about in the stuff I bought at the V&A Bowie exhibit a couple years ago. I was happy to be trapped in the car, for once. (And it reminded me of listening a few years ago, when that DJ played "Life on Mars" followed by Flight of the Conchords' "Bowie," and I nearly lost it at the sheer genius of that.)

For me, Bowie will always be a memory that's still so crystal in my mind it's like it was yesterday: a bunch of us kids downstairs in our terrible basement in our house at the end of the airport runway, three white kids and two black kids and one black-Samoan kid playing pool on our broken table, and a song comes on the radio. It doesn't sound like anything else I've ever heard, and everyone's talking and playing, but I stand there with my cue stick frozen in the air, listening, and the guy on the song is singing about "these children that you spit on as they try to change their world" and I'm looking at my friends, my little multicultural group of friends and feeling like someone was singing about us, and knowing, "Yes, this. This is that."

Snowflake Challenge Day 6

I skipped day 5 because I leave a lot of feedback anyway, at least when I can.

Day 6

In your own space, create your own challenge. What’s something you want to see more people doing in fandom? Is there something you’ve tried that you think other people would enjoy if they gave it a go? Dare your friends to try it out, and have fun with it. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

I couldn't think of anything beyond the wish I made on day 2 for people to leave feedback, and of course, that's day 5's challenge, but then I thought maybe it'd be a small personal challenge for me that people could help with.

So, I have never been the biggest poetry fan. I have some poets/poems I love, and I wrote a whole damn 31,000-word fic about Bucky and poetry, and a lot of my story titles come from poetry, not to mention a lot of epigraphs, so you'd think I'd actually be a huge poetry fan, but it was always a bit opaque to me, for the most part. So my challenge would be to help me get more knowledgeable about poetry, or point me to some of your favorites or things you think would help me grok it more. Basically edumacate me.

I've really enjoyed reading some of Richard Siken's poems online, though I know more is available in books. I can probably find some things at the library, but if you have online recs, that's great. Modern poems are fine, as are older and classical (Browning was always intriguingly opaque to me, and of course, I read a lot of Rilke for Things We Lost in the War).

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Day 4

In your own space, create a fanwork. Make a drabble, a ficlet, a podfic, or an icon, art or meta or a rec list. Arts and crafts. Draft a critical essay about a particular media. Put together a picspam or a fanmix. Write a review of a Broadway show, a movie, a concert, a poetry reading, a museum trip, a you-should-be-listening-to-this-band essay. Compose some limericks, haikus, free-form poetry, 5-word stories. Document a particular bit of real person canon. Take some pictures. Draw a stick-figure comic. Create something. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

Well, this one's a lot harder. I'd love to write something ficcy, but after four stories in four weeks plus a vid, I'm running on empty right now and trying desperately to get something going on a fic I left off a while ago.

But I've been meaning to write this meta post for a long time, so…

I've been thinking a lot about how fandom, specifically this corner of fandom that sprang from the early days of Star Trek (when at that time, fan culture predominantly revolved around literature in the science fiction and fantasy realms), has become mainstream. Enough so that now publishers are taking fanfic, filing off the serial numbers, and publishing it as original fiction, and Entertainment Weekly is hosting a fanfic contest, and Amazon's trying to capitalize on fandom with a fanfiction publishing scheme. Fewer and fewer fan-run cons that are just for fans are happening; these days it's all about the huge ComicCons and Wizard Worlds, where people have to pay big bucks for the opportunity to see their favorite celebs. Money is king at the sites where fans have mostly migrated, such as Tumblr and Twitter and Facebook, who only care about advertiser investment. Any of us who post vids to YouTube or Vimeo know how quickly a vid will get banned or blocked or just disappeared--all because of license agreements with music companies (mostly, some video producers will do it too), historically the most notorious business for screwing people over for what they perceive to be a profit threat.

And the newer generation of fans, man of whom have no idea of the history that's out there and may not ever connect with other fans beyond follows and friends lists, who may never delve into the history of how hard fans had to work to have their creations shared, are often unaware of the fact that fanworks have historically not been public, have not been out there where just anyone could find them with a quick internet search. That a lot of people didn't even know what slash was, for instance, because zines had to be sold under the table since they were considered porn and a violation, even if there was nothing explicit in them. Or that most people had to buy tapes, and later DVDs, to find vids, because the equipment was monumentally expensive and difficult to learn and there was no such thing as streaming. Everything was done from fan to fan, and people had to connect with each other in order to get content.

And it was decidedly not public. To be public usually brought scorn and ridicule, and since so much of media fandom, as opposed to the SF or comics world, was created by women, we were even more likely to get scorn heaped on us. Sometimes people were even threatened by participation--I know of at least two people whose partners used their fannish activities against them in divorce proceedings, and one person who was outed at her job for writing explicit slash by someone who disliked her. Read Fanlore and find out about the actions Lucasfilm took against Star Wars zine producers. It was just not a friendly world at all, outside the walls of our little castle.

So it's been a hard road, sometimes, for people who started out when fandom was not talked about outside of fandom, when your porn fantasies or vids about your crush object weren't likely to be discovered by People Who Didn't Get It. We used to call those folks "mundanes." We weren't creating fanworks that would be read or viewed by mundanes, we were creating them for our fellow fans who squeed with us over the same things, who loved the same actors or musicians or athletes we did, who adored the same tropes we did. Who wanted to talk endlessly about the way those two characters gazed into each other's eyes or the way you just knew that the singer and the guitarist were knocking boots because of the way they interacted on stage. Who respected the boundaries of the fandom universe.

In short, to quote Dr. Frank N. Furter, "I didn't make him for you." Our fanworks are not created for nonfans.

The main reason I've been thinking about this so much, aside from things like articles about EW's stupid little fanfiction contest coming across my dashboard, is that a while ago I got the most delightfully hilarious comment on a YouTube video, and it reminded me that there are all these people out there now consuming our fannish content who just have absolutely no freaking clue that our content is not meant for them. They don't get it. They don't understand what fannish vids are, or what fanfic really means to the readers in the fandom. It doesn't stop them from sharing their opinions, of course.

So the vid in question was one I made a few years ago for Vividcon, a Miami Vice vid I've wanted to make pretty much since I discovered vids back in the early '90s. It was to Peter Gabriel's Red Rain, a song that was used on the show in one of the later season episodes. But that wasn't why I wanted to make the vid, in fact, I'd actually forgotten Red Rain was used at all until…I got this YouTube comment from an actor who was in the episode where it was used.

This is GREAT... But actually RED RAIN was used in STONE'S WAR episode when I killed Lonette McKee... Check out the episode if you can. It's a classic! As are all the Vice's Trivia... G. Gordon Liddy returned as Capt Maynard and played my handler in that episode.... Bob Balaban played Ira Stone.

So, I laughed and laughed and laughed when I got this. Because he felt compelled to tell me that I was using the song wrong! It was only used in that episode, and I messed it up by putting all these other episodes to the song! And clearly you never saw that episode or you would not have used the song incorrectly, so here it is, go watch!

It never occurred to him, I guess, that if there were clips from, like, 20 other Miami Vice episodes in the vid, that would mean I might have watched Stone's War (which, I did, when I first got the discs, but it's one of my least favorite episodes, so…). Fannish vids aren't a concept that he's familiar with, so he doesn't understand how clips are recontextualized in fanvids, how different stories are told using the format of blending song and video source material to create something new. He isn't the audience that the vid was made for. (I actually am not making fun of him for leaving the comment, I was flattered as hell that an actor who appeared on the show watched the vid--that show gave me a lot of enjoyment for a very long time and is one of my all-time favorites.)

But it really brought home to me how much the audience has changed for these things. A number of years ago, a friend of mine was caught in a really difficult situation where someone uploaded her vids to YouTube, didn't give an attribution, and one of the vids was an explicit look at a Kirk/Spock relationship. It went viral, and there was a whole kerfuffle around it that she never wanted, but the funny thing to me personally was that another friend of mine, who's only marginally fannish but loves my friend's vids to pieces, told me that someone had forwarded him a link to the vids, and made a snarky comment about the explicit one. He was like, "Yeah, I told them to shut their piehole and also that I'd seen them before and that I thought they were incredible and you're not the audience they were made for." In the years since that, I've seen this play out over and over again: mundanes discover fanworks, think it's hilarious and stupid, mock fans in public (or maybe worse, try to shut down the production).

This past year, when the Avengers actors were on Jimmy Kimmel, he showed some (thankfully not explicit) fanart of Robert Downey Jr. and Mark Ruffalo's characters and seemed to be, like the dick he is, baiting them and the other actors about how stupid and silly and embarassing fans were, and when they came back from commercial break, RDJ and Ruffalo were gazing into each other's eyes, Ruffalo sitting on RDJ's lap, re-creating one of the art pieces shown earlier. And I don't know if they did it as a way to say "fuck you" to Kimmel, or they were mocking fans (with Ruffalo, I tend to think not), but it at least felt like they were saying, "Hey, it's our fans. It's okay. Let them have their fun, this isn't for us." And we've seen how the Sherlock actors were pushed to read some fanfic in public, as a way to laugh at and embarrass them and the writer of the fanfiction.

The fact that the lines are more and more blurry between fan content creators and general mass consumption work is making these things happen so much more frequently. Sometimes we'll get people who grok us, and love us, and support us (Orlando Jones, for instance, who was such a huge participant in Sleepy Hollow fandom). Sometimes it'll be someone like the actor who left me that YT comment, people who don't get it, but feel the need to share anyway, or my friend who told off a nonfan who wanted him to join in the mocking of a vid. Sometimes it'll be people who buy an ebook because it sounds interesting, not knowing that the writer is also a fanfic writer and that the characters are based on the ones they write fanfic for.

The genie's out of the bottle, and fandom is a public thing now. But one thing I see that hasn't really changed, over and over again, is that we didn't make it for them. We made it for ourselves, our friends, our follow lists, the other congoers, the person who has yet to discover fanworks but will when they think, "Wow, I love this, I want to read more about this or see more about this" and input a search, discovering a whole new world they never knew existed. It's that thing that people like my comment-leaver don't understand--fanworks are an invitation: Come squee with me.

ETA: This post is on Tumblr if you want to reblog it there.

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Snowflake challenge day 3

Day 03

In your own space, post a rec for at least three fanworks that you have created. It can be your favorite fanworks that you've created, or fanworks you feel no one ever saw, or fanworks you say would define you as a creator. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

I think pretty much everything I've ever made public defines me as a creator, unless it was a collaboration that was very heavily someone else's work. There were definitely a few Media Cannibals vids that did not turn out how I saw them! But overall, if I've done it or been in charge of it, it would define me, even with the vids I've made for auctions and gifts/challenges.

So these are a very random assortment of things wot I made.

Mercy Street (12957 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Angel: the Series
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Spike & Dana, Angel & Spike
Characters: Spike (BtVS), Dana (AtS), Angel (BtVS), Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, Charles Gunn, Illyria (AtS), Harmony Kendall, Wesley Wyndham-Pryce
Additional Tags: Redemption, Vampire Slayer(s), Insanity, Atonement - Freeform, making amends, Training, Male-Female Friendship, Understanding, Episode: s05e11 Damage, Damaged

When Dana returns to LA looking for Spike, they make a strange truce and find a way to help each other with their damage.

I've always been really weirdly attached to this story, for a lot of reasons, but one of the things I especially loved was being inside Dana's head and trying to think of how she'd make sense of things, how someone like her would see that world. I was really proud of her interior voice, and also Spike's.

Shelter (179 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Natasha Romanov
Additional Tags: Video, Fanvids, Friendship, Shelter, Everything Hurts and I'm Dying

All I know is to keep you close.

Most of my vids are not streaming anymore and only available via download at my vids site, which no one seems to want to do these days, so I tried to pick something streaming. And honestly, I think you couldn't get a more accurate picture of me as a vidder--very basic editing, none of the flashy stuff or voiceovers kids seems to like these days, good timing, and a clear narrative. Epic feels. A song that either most people haven't heard or would never think to use that way. And nothing probably says more about my love of Steve Rogers and the people he loves and wants to protect than this vid.

Dark Approach (93073 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 6/6
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov/Sam Wilson
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Natasha Romanov, Peggy Carter, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Pepper Potts, Clint Barton, Thor
Additional Tags: Memory Loss, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, World War II, Flashbacks, Soooo Many Flashbacks, Identity Issues, Find Bucky, Everybody Just Wants Steve To Be Happy, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Implied/Referenced Torture, Longing, Pining, Found Family, Artist Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Recovering
Series: Part 2 of Dark Approach

I have loved you across decades and centuries, over countries and continents and oceans.

Honestly, I couldn't decide what to pick for a third. Mostly I just loved writing this over the Summer of Cap Love, and I often wish more people loved it too, but I was happy with it (and the whole series).

The Gift of Forgetfulness (6049 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Pacific Rim (2013)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Hercules Hansen/Stacker Pentecost, Chuck Hansen & Hercules Hansen
Characters: Hercules Hansen, Stacker Pentecost, Chuck Hansen, Tendo Choi, Mako Mori
Additional Tags: Grief/Mourning, Loss, Child Loss, Road Trips, Cage Fights, self-punishment, Drift Bond, The Drift (Pacific Rim), Eventual Happy Ending, Team Hot Dads, Drivesuit Scars
Series: Part 2 of All They Had Lost

He’ll not be anybody’s fucking tragic hero who lost his son and his best friend and still won the fight.

Since it said at least three, and I couldn't decide between Dark Approach and this, I'll put this here. I am still really, really happy with the writing I did for this Pacific Rim series, and I think this story is some of the best writing I've ever done, real-world or fannish. But it's a pairing with few fans, woe.

Snowflake challenge day 2

I probably should do a big dump of days, shouldn't I, to catch up? But I'm not. I am a contrarian, I guess.

Day 2

In your own space, create a list of at least three fannish things you'd love to receive, something you've wanted but were afraid to ask for - a fannish wish-list of sorts. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your wish-list if you feel comfortable doing so. Maybe someone will grant a wish. Check out other people's posts. Maybe you will grant a wish. If any wishes are granted, we'd love it if you link them to this post.

1. I would love beyond reason, and I feel really ridic asking for this, but spirit of the challenge, yadda yadda, to see some fanworks inspired by my fanworks. I thought it was so interesting and cool to have podfics of a few fics this past year, and the fanmix playlists inspired by Things We Lost in the War literally made me cry, it was so amazing. I don't really know any artists in my current fandoms, so I know it's really unlikely to ever have art or story covers based on anything I wrote, but wow, that would be beyond amazing. One can dream (and I think that's the fan writer dream, isn't it? Art inspired by your writing? And the artist's dream, fic inspired by your drawing?). I confess I've considered even commissioning someone to draw something (is it weird that I want to see the scene where Steve and Bucky eat ice cream in the Groundhog Day fic?), but I don't even know how to go about doing that, so mostly I just dream.

2. I really miss collaborating on vids. I've never collaborated on fic. But I think collaborating with someone for something would be a wonderful thing to do that I miss. There are ways to do vids over the interwebs, I think, and though I've never done it with fic, I see people do it all the time, so that seems like something fun to try.

3. Comments. Recs. Not for me, necessarily (though I'm never gonna turn that away), but sperrywink inspired me to remember that this is a thing I want for the world: I want people to comment or make recs (whether it's a formal rec on a list or a reblog with your comments about it) for a fanwork or a creator's body of work, especially someone who's not a BNF who's already drowning in comments and is recced everywhere in the universe. Because yeah, the kudos button is great, whatever, but so often, even if anonymous commenting is enabled--yes, that's a thing you can do sometimes!--people won't do it, even if they like something. Or they stay silent and just hit a like button on tumblr or never post a rec to a community they're part of for various reasons.

But there are a lot of things out there that just don't get the love or attention they deserve, and knowing that so many people sort for things based on hits to comments ratios or what have you, that those works will never get the love they deserve makes me really sad. And those comments sometimes can be the difference between that creator feeling hopeless and worthless and never creating again, and feeling inspired and worthwhile and eager to keep going. There are communities out there that exist just to shit on creators ("this person should kill themselves" was a line a friend saw once), and I would like those of us who aren't vile, disgusting people to counteract that and spread love instead of nastiness. I know sometimes commenting seems fraught--there are people who'll be crappy if you commented on an old fic, or who never respond, or pick fights, or whatever. But those folks, I think, are outliers, and for the most part, people are thrilled to receive even a tiny "I liked this!" It's often the same fics or the people getting all the comments, so it would be even cooler if you commented or recced something that is under-recognized.

But that's what I wish for--that you will make the effort to leave even a tiny comment, or reblog a fanwork announcement post with at least "rec" on it. For anyone, even if, yeah, it's already got a million notes, but someone who might be under the radar is even better. Just…let people know you value the time and effort. Because fanworks come from the heart. They are not paid for except by sharing love. And I am sad at how one-sided a lot of that squee and sharing love has become. It's a gift economy, and your gift can be a comment or a rec.

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Okay, I guess I'm in

I've seen so many people doing the Snowflake Challenge, and one thing I keep wanting to do more of is post outside of just fanwork announcements or crappy life posts. So I guess I'm in, even though I'm super late--is it too late? They say you can start any time but I feel like I'm really late to the game.

Fandom Snowflake Challenge banner


So this is day one for me.
Day 01

In your own space, talk about why you are doing the Fandom Snowflake Challenge? What drew you to it as a participant? What do you hope to accomplish by doing these challenges?

I love to talk about fandom, but it seems like, with DW and LJ being such a vast empty desert these days, there's little point, and Tumblr, where I spend a lot of time, is basically even worse--most of the people who follow me don't ever interact with me, a lot of times because we're friends or acquaintances and don't necessarily have the same interests. (And now that Tumblr's removed replies, it's even more impossible to interact.) So a lot of times I just use the journals as fic or vid announcements, or when something's going especially crappy. I comment fairly often, and I love reading my flists, but…I feel like no one's interacting anymore much of the time, and I should post about other things. Since so many people I know are doing it, and I'm a lemming, it seems like a valuable tool, and I hope it lasts. I loathe twitter and facebook and I don't have fannish spaces there anyway, they are for my professional life and I barely ever use them, so a part of me constantly hopes this space will be revitalized. I don't think it can, but, well, I can at least contribute, I suppose.

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Vidding Year in Review

I didn't make many vids this year due to feeling like a failure and the constant excrutiating pain, so this should be easy (she said). Links go to the vid on AO3, rather than YouTube or Vimeo, but you can click through to watch them there.

From first to most recent:

This was the vid that I made for Destina for Festivids. I stumbled on this song while I was actually wringing my hands about finding the right music for the vid I had in mind--I was working on a project and still formulating things in my mind when the season of Elementary opened, and at the end there was this intriguing music at the end. I could just barely hear it, and there were only about five words sung, but I just thought, wow, that's it. Little did I know what an ordeal it would become to find out how to get my hands on a high quality version of it. The artist who'd released it later changed his performing name, and the only place that had it was UK iTunes, which refused to give it to me, and I spent days trying to track down where it would be in US iTunes or some other place I could buy it. It really was the perfect song, and I loved the slow build, and the energy of the beat behind such quiet words and ethereal sounds. The whole thing was perfect for painting a picture of Jack and the terrible life he has, surrounded by monsters, trying not to become one himself.

 made this for Escapade almost at the last minute. I have been trying to do a vid since I saw Winter Soldier for the first time, and there's just really not the footage I want, so after struggling some more with it, I gave up and did this, which had been sitting in my heart for a long time. I felt like this came together really well, though I was a bit worried it would be over the top; I had someone come look at it unfinished and she said I made her cry, so that made me feel like it succeeded.

Wasp Nest
I'd finished all my Vividcon vids, and while I was working on them, I kept thinking about Natasha--and about the fact that there's this thing I kind of hate where fans decide that a certain fandom or character can only be represented in vids by a certain type of music. I've had that thrown in my face before, when I went, I don't know, off what people consider acceptable, and I really chafe at that. I think it's so narrow and unimaginative and restricting, and all the Natasha vids I've seen are either to these girl power songs or fighty-beaty action music. (Seriously, do you have any idea how many vids there are to Fight Song for her or Melinda May? Gah.) I never see things that feel like an internal conversation inside her heart, or ones that examine other parts of her than just fighty girl power stuff. So I wanted to do that, and I knew people would slam the song as being too soft, and of course…they did. Whatever. I love how this turned out, and I love using vids to explore other parts of a canon or a character than what people expect.

Heroes (We Could Be)
I wanted to make this for Club Vivid for over a year, but I was worried about the intro being beatless, so I asked ahead of time. I felt like it might not fit for the dance party, but it got in anyway, and I was super happy with how it turned out. It was terrible to make though--I spent way too much money on stuff for clips, buying movies and episodes and whatnot. And some of the Agent Carter eps would not work for love or money. Everything was in different aspect ratios…and then I couldn't figure out how to make a thumbnail that conveyed all the women in the vid because I am not an artist and don't have those tools. I asked M'lyn if she would be interested in making me a graphic and she made my amazing title background and thumbnail art, and I love it so much. I stare at it happily all the time.

I really wanted to make this back when the show ended, but I decided to wait and make it my Vividcon premieres vid because I didn't have any other ideas. It was definitely a challenge--my iMac's video card died right before the deadline, and I thought I'd lost the hi-def Agent Carter one-shot file that someone sent me, and some of the Agent Carter on ABC eps wouldn't work…it was like being the Job of vidding or something. I thought I'd lost the entire vid too, when they went to replace the video card. Thank god I didn't. Then YouTube banned it. Vimeo had taken down almost all my vids a few years ago, unbeknownst to me, so I was reluctant to put it there, but I didn't have time to get in touch with Critical Commons at that point before I left for the con, so it ended up there. I still wait to find out they've removed it. The worst part is that there are other vids to Titanium on youtube, but I am nervous about resubmitting it. I was really happy with it, despite the torment, and Destina gave me an amazing beta review.

Havoc in Heaven
I put myself up for sale in the Vividcon auction this year, because I'd had such a fun time the last time I did it. I was so lucky to be bought by killabeez--we'd talked about this song for a Sunshine vid before, and when she played it again for me the day the auction was closing, I was sekritly hoping she would buy me so I could do it. We discussed a bunch of other songs and fandoms, but this was the one I thought, yeah, I can do something with this. I have synesthesia, and it manifests in some different ways, but a big one is that sounds have colors. Some things can be quite psychedelic when I'm listening to music. I could feel the visuals of the movie in the musical notes, and despite some tech issues, this came together really well, especially because Killa kind of grokked what I was talking about and she was really good at explaining to me how she saw the story of the vid. It was perfect synchronicity! I'm so glad I made this--it might be a minuscule fandom, but I got to bond with bironic and talitha78 at the con over this, and it's, I felt, not like a lot of other vids you see at Vividcon.

Way Down We Go
The Captain America: Civil War trailer burned a hole in my heart. It gave me so much stuff I was worried about ever seeing in that ridiculously overstuffed clown car of a cast--Bucky and Steve gazing into each other's eyes! A touch! Bucky on Steve's six! Bucky remembering! I was itching to make a vid, and this song arrived in my life right at the moment the trailer did. There's really only about less than two minutes of footage to work with, since so much of the trailer is the damn logos and black space. So I filled it out with Cap 2 stuff, and I think it worked well--it's about 90 percent trailer, and that's still a good ratio. Killa edited the song down for me and also gave it a look before I posted it, and her enthusiasm was really helpful. I loved how it turned out, it may not have been a big hit, but it's one of the few vids I've made I'm happy to rewatch. Someone called it "sexy" and that was exactly what I was hoping for, so mission accomplished.

Thinky thoughts part:

My favorite video this year:
Way Down We Go, just because of the FEELS.

Least favorite video this year:
I don't really have one, I felt like they all had something good about them.

Most successful:

Um…if you judge by hits on YouTube or Vimeo, Monsters. There's definitely some kind of Jack and David contingent on YouTube that I don't see existing anyplace else. I haven't looked at reblogs on Tumblr, but I'd probably guess Sorrow had the most notes. On AO3 and journals, Sorrow seems to be the clear winner. For me personally, though, I just love how Havoc in Heaven turned out, and the reactions of some vidders I admire (and Killa's reaction to her vid!) were so, so gratifying.

Vid most under-appreciated by the universe in my opinion:
Oh, well, I don't know. I mean, they're all okay. I think Wasp Nest just disappeared into a pre-Vividcon, not-girl-fighty song void.

Funnest video:
I think most people would say Heroes (We Could Be) because it's about the ladies of Marvel and my love for them shows.

Video with the single sexiest moment:
Hm. I'm not sure there are sexy moments, per se, but I think the fact that someone called Way Down We Go out for being really sexy would answer that.

Biggest vid fail:
I don't feel like any of them did that this year, but the struggle to make Titanium, and not being able to post it to YouTube, was really hard to handle.

Hardest video to make:
Titanium, for the reasons stated above. 

Easiest video to make:
Havoc in Heaven and Sorrow both came together really well, and I loved working with Killa on Havoc. Way Down We Go was definitely the speediest.

Most unintentionally telling video:
I don't know that any of them fit this, but I suppose you can see my Steve/Bucky feels written all over Sorrow and Way Down We Go in an embarrassing fashion.

What's Next?
I have a vid that I'd like to make with someone, that we've talked about for a couple years now. I'd like to make more vids. I don't know what my pain levels, and my equipment, will allow. I'd like to learn AfterEffects, but since I can't even figure out Premiere (or, more to the point, why it doesn't work for me the way it's supposed to), I'm not sure how well that'd go. And I think Civil War may finally give me the footage I need to make the vid of my heart I've been trying to make since April of 2014. But right now, I have to finish this vid I started before the CW trailer dropped, and proabably send that to Escapade.

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End of year writing meme

Man, I spent hours and hours on this post and then DW ate it. The whole fucking thing, just ate it. So much for the lie of autosave. I don't have the heart to put in all the links again. Also sorry, I cannot seem to get the cut tag to work now.

I did this last year before Yuletide reveals, so included those stories in the discussion.

Month by month:

Strangers to the Fire, a reimagining, canon-divergent Kings AU where Jack and David start out on friendly terms
The Only Soul I Have I Stole from You, a post-series Jack/David Kings fic

Icebreaker, the idyllic epilogue to Dark Approach

Man With a Plan, the "you're keeping the outfit" porn story

Opportunities in Freelance, written for Bucky's birthday, with maple syrup cartels and Canadian assassin squads

Things We Lost in the War, the epistolary fic where Bucky's not really ready for being around people, so he and Steve communicate via letters in a dead drop

That Only You Would Know, a Peggy and Bucky kissing fest prompt fill
Your 21st-Century Boy, the Fabulous Soldier kissing fest prompt fill
Batter Up, the baseball kissing fest prompt fill
A Bedtime Story, a Sam/Steve kissing fest prompt fill
Stripes and Solids, the Sam/Steve kissing fest pool table prompt fill

In the Stardust of a Song, the Winter Soldier during the movie having memories triggered by music fic

Doubleheader, the second of the baseball series fics, written for Steve's birthday
Dream of Caramel: or, A Recipe for Disaster, the Big Eden one where Bucky cooks for Steve and there's a Clint and Bucky brotp

Perfect Game, the third of the baseball series, about the first televised game and a pitcher named Bucky

This Guy, a SamHill story with Sam taking Maria flying, written for Sam's birthday

Tonight, I Dream in Technicolor, where Tiny Steve gets sucked into a Captain America movie serial and then the war in Italy

Home Plate, the fourth of the baseball series, where Steve tries to make Bucky feel better during the war

Holding On to You Holding On to Me, the interlude during the Civil War trailer
If the Fates Allow, where Steve gets drunk on Christmas Eve and has a snowball fight
Miss "No Way, It's All Good", a Yuletide treat for the movie What's Your Number?

What's the story that makes you happiest?

I’m never really happy with a story, to be honest, but I suppose if I had to pick one it’d be the Christmas fic If the Fates Allow. I had fun writing it, and getting to write drunk Steve is very enjoyable. And now that I have distance, Things We Lost in the War makes me happy.

My favorite stories this year:

In the Stardust of a Song
Tonight, I Dream in Technicolor
Opportunities in Freelance
Holding On to You Holding On to Me
Home Plate (I guess a lot of the ones I like most are the underdogs, you know?)

My 5 best stories this year:

I don’t know how to judge this, but I suppose

Things We Lost in the War
In the Stardust of a Song
Holding On to You Holding On to Me
That Only You Would Know

Most popular story:

Judging by hits/kudos/reblogs? Your 21st-Century Boy. Judging by the way people responded/intensity of feelings? Things We Lost in the War

Story most underappreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

It’s always hard to do this one, but honestly, I can never figure out why In the Stardust of a Song is the least-read Captain America Bucky/Steve story I’ve done. I mean, I expected something like a Bucky & Peggy friendship story (That Only You Would Know) or a SamHill (That Guy) story wouldn’t get much love, but I’m stumped about what makes Stardust such a failure--second person narrative? Terrible title? Terrible summary line? The fact that it takes place within the timeline of the movie? I have no idea.

Most fun story:

For writing, probably If the Fates Allow, because drunk Steve. Opportunities in Freelance, because maple syrup cartels are just plain ridic.

Sexiest story:

I suppose others might say Man With a Plan, because it’s just “you’re keeping the outfit” porn, but sexy for me is a really different thing than porn, so I personally would choose Holding On to You Holding On to Me.

Story with single sexiest moment:

I couldn’t talk about my Yuletide stories when I did this last year, so I’d actually say Strangers to the Fire here, when Jack and David make out at the piano (and the actual sex scene, but you know).

Story with single sweetest moment:

I think when Bucky shows up as Steve’s goddamn Christmas miracle in If the Fates Allow would be up there, but I also really liked Steve saying “You’re never who I thought you were. You’re always something more” in Dream of Caramel: or, a Recipe for Disaster, that was pretty sweet.

Hardest story to write:

Things We Lost in the War, because I’d started it in 2014 and had to put it aside half finished for work and Yuletide fic, and then couldn’t pick up the thread for it at all. It was agonizing, and I struggled and struggled to find it again, and then I couldn’t get a beta for it in time and so I had no idea if it was in fact the utter shit I thought it was when I posted. And some really well known epistolary fics came out while I was writing it, which discouraged me all to hell. I was just totally at sea about it, and wrote six other fics in the time I worked on it.

Easiest story to write:

Holding On to You Holding On to Me and If the Fates Allow both just kind of poured out of me.

Truest story of the year:

I have absolutely no idea what this means. I guess if I just try to look at it as true to the characters, I’d say In the Stardust of a Song, because I feel like I achieved a real picture of what the Winter Soldier could be going through during the movie, what he could be thinking and feeling and struggling with as the music triggers his memories.

Story that made you cry/saddest story:

There were lots of times writing both In the Stardust of a Song and Things We Lost in the War I made myself sniffly.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

I would say both my Kings fics from Yuletide last year. I started out not liking David much, and in the end, I loved him and Jack together.

Biggest disappointment:

When I posted Tonight, I Dream in Technicolor, AO3 was almost down, the RSS feeds were disabled, it was just a terrible time, but I was waiting for a book project I knew would be huge so I sort of had to post it or it would sit for months. And I really liked how it came out, but I was confronted with some people just shitting all over it, and me, and it seemed like no one was reading it, and the whole thing left me feeling really conflicted and crappy. When you’re raised to believe your only value as a human comes from successful achievement (especially in your writing) and you “earn” love, having a perfect storm of crapitude around the only thing you actually are producing and spent literally hundreds of hours on, is really, really tough to come back from.

I think, too, seeing the way people sort of run away from the baseball fics was disappointing. They’re not really about baseball per se, but it seems like nonsports people won’t touch them with a ten-foot pole. That was surprising.

Biggest surprise:

Things We Lost in the War. I had struggled so much with it, for such a long time, and since I had no idea if it was crap or not, I tried to minimize any attention to it by posting at night, and not using the AO3 posting interface for Tumblr so it wouldn’t have that green bar on it. Just everything I could do to put it in under the radar. But wow--it’s not like it’s a huge hit or anything, but the responses were so intense. I’ve never received comments like that, I am just not that person. One commenter wanted to use quotes from it for a tattoo! It actually got recced in a few places. I met a new friend on Tumblr because she wrote to me about it, and we hit it off, and she made two utterly amazing fanmix playlists based on it. The whole thing was so surprising.

I also was surprised this year by someone making a Chinese translation of Icebreaker, and received two wonderful podfics, one for Your 21st-Century Boy and one for Opportunities in Freelance from Reena Jenkins, and podfic of Stripes and Solids from Anapod.

Most telling story:

I’ve never known how to answer this before, but this year I do--Miss “No Way, It’s All Good” was one of the most personal stories I’ve ever written, because I have been Ally, thinking I didn’t deserve to be in a relationship with a hot guy, and wondering what I was missing about sex.

Favorite opening line:

So many of my fics start in media res, so the opening lines are kind of weird, but I liked the one for the final Pacific Rim fic:

Stacker wakes in a haze, the same way he always does now, a pearly grey-green mist of memory and pain that wraps around him like cotton-wool.

Favorite closing line:

Not really a closing line, but paragraph, because it doesn’t really make sense without the other parts (although, really, I suppose it wouldn’t make sense anyway without the stuff in the story where Bucky recites facts to ground himself). From In the Stardust of a Song:

These are not facts, but you know them just the same: you are made of exploding suns and collapsing stars. The heavens blaze and so do you. On the screen Steve Rogers looks at Bucky Barnes--at you--and his eyes are filled with galaxies, hurtling through the universe at 1.3 million miles per hour.

Favorite line from anywhere:

Honestly, this is too hard to choose, there have been so many I was really proud of. But I suppose this will do from Holding On to You:

This is what love looks like, he knows: it looks like Steve.

Favorite title:

Tonight, I Dream in Technicolor. I’d actually written it with a different title (And That’s the Absolutely True Story of How I Really Became Captain America), but when I wrote that part, paraphrasing a line from a movie that was one of the fic’s inspirations, I thought that would be a good title. I polled a bunch of people at a party and the way their faces all lit up at that, I knew it was the one.

Looking back, did you write more stories than you thought you would this year, fewer than you thought, or about what you predicted?

SO MUCH MORE. I thought I’d be done. And I totally didn’t expect to churn out two stories well over 30,000 words, and write four fics in a row this past month.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January 2015?

I wouldn’t have thought about Ally/Colin from What’s Your Number? or that I’d write Sam/Maria.

Story that could have been better?

I don’t know. I always think all of them could be.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Yeah. I wrote epistolary again in a much larger way, and a mirrored narrative story, and Christmas fic, and wrote commentfic for the first time ever in the kissing fest back in May. That was awesome. I don’t think I’m funny at all and so fics like Opportunities in Freelance and Dream of Caramel felt risky, but I was really rewarded when people (some of whom are famously funny!) told me they laughed. And I wrote character specific fic for birthdays, and deliberately set up series, which usually only was accidental before. And I’ve never written fic for a trailer before. I don’t know that I’ve learned anything other than that I really do like writing for prompts, which I didn’t know before!

This year's theme and the story that demonstrates it most:

Ummm... Bucky and Steve really love each other? I suppose Things We Lost in the War would be the demonstration case.

What story do you want to have written?

There’s a dreamsharing story I had running in my head that I found out someone was writing something very similar to, and I've struggled with doing it. I still think about it, but I don’t want to look like I’m ripping someone off, so it’s a constant dialog in my mind about what to do about it.

Story I want remembered:

In the Stardust of a Song. But I think what will be remembered is Things We Lost in the War.

What's next for 2016:

I’ve got to finish this weird Bucky gets recaptured/timeshifty narrative/shrinkyclinks thing I started months ago. More of the Interludes series. One last baseball fic (try to contain your enthusiasm!). That dreamsharing story I don’t know about. A WWII epic that might involve Easy Company. One where Sam helps Bucky try to get some closure on something and they end up in a misadventure. I doubt I can finish much of this before the movie comes along and wrecks everything, and closes all the open canon we were left with after Winter Soldier. I can’t write fast enough, and I doubt people will want to read stuff that isn’t from new canon once it’s out.

word count: 184230

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Yuletide treat reveal

Miss “No Way, It’s All Good” (4965 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: What's Your Number? (2011)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Ally Darling/Colin Shea
Characters: Ally Darling, Colin Shea, Daisy Darling
Additional Tags: Self-Esteem Issues, sex discussions, Sexual Experimentation, Sexual History, Ally Has Relationship Doubts but Colin Has None

She frowned. “You’re not breaking up with me? Are you sure?”

“Okay, one, the sex is not bad and two, even if it were, I wouldn’t break up with you over it, and three, I love you. What is it you think I meant?”


I didn't think it was possible to write in a more microscopic fandom than the Unit, but wow, it was!

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Shocked, I tell you

I was completely shocked yesterday when I got a notification that there was a treat for me in Yuletide Madness. Since I hadn't signed up, I never expected anything like that, and I didn't even think you could do that! Like, I don't know if it's legal, but I don't care, someone wrote me a lovely sweet interlude between Mack and Jonas from The Unit. What kindness!

the hour before dawn (266 words) by Anonymous
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: The Unit
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Jonas Blane/Mack Gerhardt
Characters: Mack Gerhardt, Jonas Blane
Additional Tags: Mornings, Trust, Fluff, Voice Kink

Even half asleep, Mack can hear everything he needs to know from the sound of Jonas' voice.

And my darling [profile] devilpiglet posted the third of her Steve/Bucky series right before the tidal wave of Yuletide broke, and even if it wasn't a gift it FEELS like a gift, the best Christmas gift we could get because it's gorgeous and emotional and funny and tender and the writing is exquisite, which is like my favorite stuff all rolled into one, and you should go read and leave her glowing feedback because she is magnificent.

The Mercy Seat (5343 words) by DevilPiglet
Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: Captain America (Movies)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Natasha Romanov, Original Dog Character(s), Maria Hill, Nick Fury
Additional Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Psychological Trauma, Past Torture, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Series: Part 3 of A Nightingale Sang

“If you come for Bucky,” Steve says, “I walk.”

Fury’s voice is very, very soft when he replies. “Watch yourself, Captain.”

“Keep the shield. Keep the costume, give it to the next guy you run up the flagpole. Bucky and I will disappear, find a beach on the other side of the globe and live out our days in peace.” There’s bitterness, there at the end.


I was able to post a 5,000 word Yuletide treat for someone today, so that makes five fanworks in as many weeks. Which is a record for me, I usually spend way too much time on things to churn out that much stuff that quickly, fic or vid. And it brings my word count for 2015 almost 40,000 words over last year, and last year boggled my mind with how much I'd written.

I asked [personal profile] belmanoir the other night when it became laughable how many fanworks in a specific fandom you had listed on your AO3 dashboard. Because when I was posting, all I could do was laugh at the 33 listed for Captain America--I mean, my most-fanworked fandom was like 18 before. Admittedly I don't have the numerous Buffy vids posted to AO3 and at least four of the Cap ones are vids, plus the MCU ones contain a bunch of other vids, but still...I just thought that was hilarious and maybe embarrassing? I don't know when it becomes comical to others. But it's comical to me.

I'm glad I was able to write a story for Yuletide, since I hadn't signed up. It felt so odd not doing it, and this way even though I won't get the glee of finding a story for me on Christmas, I get the glee of (I hope) getting a comment from a happy reader.

Happy Christmas Eve Eve (it's still time here), and Merry Christmas to those who celebrate and happy Friday to those who don't.

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New fic: If the Fates Allow

If the Fates Allow (5301 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Clint Barton, Tony Stark, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Bruce Banner
Additional Tags: Christmas Party, Christmas Fluff, Snowball Fight, Drunk Steve, Presents

“It’s been driving me nuts. I couldn’t think of what to get you for the Winter Shopping Festival that’s appropriate to your retro lifestyle,” Tony said, his face looming into view above Steve. “Butter churn? Victrola?"

Baby's first Christmas story. This is the fourth fanwork in as many weeks that I've posted. Whaaaat is happening? I do not know.

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Holding On to You Holding On to Me (1342 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes
Additional Tags: Captain America: Civil War Trailer, Reunions, Love, Interlude
Series: Part 1 of Interlude

Steve stares at his back, the terrible architecture of Bucky’s suffering written on the left shoulder and side. Reaches over and with fingertips brushes each rung along the ladder of his spine.

Jeez, a fanwork a week--too much? I don't even know, considering how crappy I feel about everything. Interludes based on the Civil War trailer, so conjecturey spoilers, I guess.

Anyone recognize this fic?

I am going crazy trying to find this fic I remember reading last year after CA:TWS when I was hoovering up fanfic like mad. So it's entirely possible I'm conflating the few details I remember from multiple fics, but when I've gone to the ones I might be conflating, they are not it.

It was from Bucky's POV (this is the one absolute detail I do remember), and the one thing that stuck in my mind was them having sex, or at least starting to have sex, in front of a window, because I'm pretty sure they were living in the Tower (though who knows). It was a little angsty I think, and no, there was no real kink involved. Bucky was frustrated or feeling angry or bleak, something like that, and I think he'd had some trouble sexually because of how messed up his mind was.

I cannot seem to find it in my AO3 history, and I went through some of the recs I was using from musesfool at the time, but I can't seem to find it. It was definitely on AO3, though. At the time I wasn't bookmarking things, and now I'm kicking myself. If push comes to shove I'll try the stucky library on tumblr, but I was hoping to avoid that just because I remember so little in the way of details.

It's definitely not Good Boy, because I don't read kink stuff, and it wasn't the one where Steve leaves Bucky post-its, though in some ways it reminded me of that one. It's also not the one where Bucky wants to have sex with Steve again, but he has trouble articulating that, or the really hot one where Steve and Bucky reignite their sexual relationship--though in some ways, those last couple ones remind me of the one I'm searching for (probably because they were from Bucky's POV).

Ugh, I can't figure out why I can't find this thing.

Out of the past

January 2016

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