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Baby you're much too fast

x-posted from tumblr:

I wrote a scene in my recent fic Don’t Wait Up for Me where Bucky’s kind of almost half-dancing around the room and Sam asks him to teach him some of his old dance moves. In my head it was Little Red Corvette. 1999. All the Prince songs that are full of such joie de vivre that you can’t help but move to them, all on one of Sam’s favorite playlists.

I cannot really believe that he’s gone. We keep losing all these artists who have made such a difference in our lives, brought us so much joy and insight and beauty. 

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Apr. 14th, 2016

You know, I suppose the silver lining of not many people reading your fic is that when you find that line you wrote on the back of a receipt or a scrap of notebook paper in your pocket after you've posted, you can keep working on it.

Disorganization is my deuce power.

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Final Chapter update: Don't Wait Up for Me

Don’t Wait Up for Me (37510 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 5/5
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton, Tony Stark
Additional Tags: Friendship, Forget Your Past, Action/Adventure, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes and His Terrible Plans, Shaving, Hair Washing, Closure, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Reunions
Summary:

“This was the last place where I knew who Bucky Barnes was. No matter how many times they stuffed the Soldier inside me, or tried to rip the old Bucky out, a little bit of him still hung on inside, you know? I just need to see that place where it all changed.”



Complete now.

Chapter update: Don't Wait Up for Me

Don’t Wait Up for Me (35994 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapter 4: Blind Alley

Chapter Summary: “It feels like a dream,” Bucky said idly, and he recalled it: that liminal moment when the ice came down and he wasn’t blank and black inside just yet, and flashes of a life he knew couldn’t have been his shone in his mind.

An informal announcement since I'm hoping to have the completed one later. There’s one more chapter, the epilogue, coming very shortly, maybe even by tonight if I can get rewrites done. 

Fanfic panel at Emerald City Comic Con

I posted this at my Tumblr but then forgot to post it here:

Hey guys, if you’re going to Emerald City Comic Con next weekend, I’m going to be on a panel about fanfiction, Slash, Shipping, and Online Communities: Why Fanfiction Matters – you should come!

I confess I think this is kinda hilarious, since I’m not a BNF, hell, I’m not even what you could call popular and I sometimes think I couldn’t get people to read my fic if I threw $20 bills at them like a stripper in reverse. But the lovely Zoe and Ruby asked me to be on it, so I said yes, and there are other cool people on the panel like lettered and Astrid from AO3. It’s also funny because I’m not a wide reader – I tend to focus on a narrow range of fic, and kind of keep to my own little corner. But god knows, I’m never short on opinions.

The panel is on Saturday at the dinner hour, 5:30-6:30, so I have no idea what to expect, but if you’d like to come talk about fanfic, join us! We’ll also be doing a livestream, I guess, on Sunday morning, which terrifies me since I look even worse on camera than I do in real life, but I don’t know where that is on the schedule–I think it’s at 11:15 am PT and you may be able to watch it without attending?

I’m hoping to talk about one of my favorite topics, which is that fic allows us to delve into characters or relationships that would never be center stage, or even allowed to happen, in the source material (my personal fave: Bucky having friendships with characters like Pepper Potts or Clint Barton). But I’m sure there’ll be a lot of other fun stuff to discuss. I hope to see you there!

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Fic update: Don't Wait Up for Me

Don’t Wait Up for Me (25801 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapter 3: Forget Your Past
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov
Additional Tags: Closure, Soul-Searching, Friendship, Forget Your Past, Action/Adventure, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes and His Terrible Plans, Not All Brutalism Is Ugly
Summary:

From the moment Steve had gotten Bucky back he’d been preparing to lose him again.

I Meant What I Said When I Said Until My Dying Day (3000 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Scott Lang, Wanda Maximoff
Additional Tags: Interlude, Trust, Trigger Codes, Captain America: Civil War Trailer
Series: Part 2 of Interludes
Summary:

Bucky bolts from the couch, his fists clenching, and Steve motions at everyone to drop back, to leave. “I can’t have anyone inside my head again,” he pleads, “I can’t.”




Taking a short break from the WIP to work on my anxiety and misery issues for all the Civil War trailer stuff.

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Chapter update: Don't Wait Up for Me

Don’t Wait Up for Me (14591 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapter 2: If We Knew You Were Coming, We'd Have Baked a Cake
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov
Additional Tags: Closure, Soul-Searching, Friendship, Forget Your Past, Action/Adventure
Summary:

“This was the last place where I knew who Bucky Barnes was. No matter how many times they stuffed the soldier inside me, or tried to rip the old Bucky out, a little bit of him still hung on inside, you know? I just need to see that place where it all changed.”

The way we look to a distant constellation

Last fall I wrote a fic where tiny Steve goes to war through magical realism mumbo-jumbo, and [personal profile] sineala was kind enough to read it, and she got the song "Boy in the Bubble" that I'd used for chapter headings stuck in her head. We kept talking about how it was stuck in our heads far longer than it should be, and that it really, really had to be a Marvel vid. A comics vid, an MCU vid, something, it just really required vidding, and now [personal profile] sholio has made it a Marvel vid--Agent Carter, to be exact! Yay! And what I love about it is that that aspect, the days of miracle and wonder aspect, the weird science and shenanigans and humans are crazy creatures aspect, are at the heart of the vid, which is what's so great about that song, and I'm sure why it popped into my head when I was writing.

And now I'm going to have it stuck in my head for months again, aren't I? [personal profile] sineala, I apologize in advance.

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Vid show?

I was curious--did anyone go to the vid show at Escapade? This is the first year I sent in a vid when I wasn't attending, and I wondered how the vid I sent went over. I haven't heard a word from anyone who was there, so of course have no idea of the audience response, and it sort of disappeared into the ether, so I'm kind of afraid it bombed or something. Ugh.


I have to get myself motivated to vid for Club Vivid, now, too, when I don't really feel like it. I can't believe it's March already and I haven't even started, yikes.

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New vid from Escapade

New vid from Escapade 2016. A HQ DL is at my site here and it's also on Tumblr here.

Civil War trailer clips spoilers ahoy!



Lyrics:

My one heart hurt another
So only one life can't be enough
Can you give me just another
For that one who got away

Lonely I, I'm so alone now

There'll be no rest for the wicked
There's no song for the choir
There's no hope for the weary
If you let them win without a fight

If one heart can mend another
Only then can we begin
So won't you hold on a little longer
Don't let them get away

Lonely I, I'm so alone now

There'll be no rest for the wicked
There's no song for the choir
There's no hope for the weary
If you let them win without a fight
I let my good one down
I let my true love die
I had his heart but I broke it every time

Feedback is adored!

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New fic: Don't Wait Up for Me

Don’t Wait Up for Me (4954 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/?
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov
Additional Tags: Closure, Soul-Searching, Friendship, Forget Your Past
Summary:

“This was the last place where I knew who Bucky Barnes was. No matter how many times they stuffed the soldier inside me, or tried to rip the old Bucky out, a little bit of him still hung on inside, you know? I just need to see that place where it all changed.”




Sorry it's a WIP, but I kind of figured what difference does it make, and this way I could use the fear of guilt and shame to make sure I finished something.

Man, if there's one (of many) things that irritate the fuck out of me about AO3, it's that first chapters won't post with their title. I do not even understand why that's a thing and why it would be constructed that way.

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Cleaning up reading lists

I'm trying to cut down on all the repeats from LJ to Dreamwidth that I have on my reading lists, so if you received a notification that I took you off my friends list, it just means I'm also interacting with you on DW! I find that with DW's ability to reply on my actual reading list page rather than always having to open a new page, and my browser being really wonky lately, that's the place it's easiest and most likely for me to interact with people.

And if you have a DW account but I don't interact with you there, and you'd like to, let me know what it is and I'll follow you there! But if you're only on LJ that's cool too. These days my LJ list is like a ghost town anyway. I kind of miss the busy days when that was how I started my morning, reading through everyone's posts and hearing all the news.

New fic: How Do You Fondue?

How Do You Fondue? (4444 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Tony Stark, Pepper Potts
Additional Tags: Valentine's Day Fluff, Fondue, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Almost Cockblocked by Crime
Summary:

Steve orders cocktails called The Lover and Bucky’s heart rate rockets out of control. It’s not so bad, he tells himself. The next level. It’s just dinner. At the top of the menu it asks, “How do you fondue?” and at the bottom a slogan proclaims, “We hope you enjoy experiencing all that fondue has to offer.” Bucky nearly swallows his tongue.

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Since everyone has asked

Okay, I'm super behind on my Snowflake Challenge, but since people keep asking me--

Yes I saw the new X-FilesCollapse )

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Snowflake challenge day 12

Day 12

What makes you fannish? And by that we mean, what is it about a tv show/movie/book/band/podcast/etc that takes you from, "Yeah, I like that," to "I need MOAR!!!" Is it a character? A plotline? The pretty? Subtext that’s just screaming to be acknowledged?

In your own space, tell us what it is that gets you to cross that line into fandom. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.


I wish I knew! Because then I would be able to find fandoms on purpose!

I know more of what I don't respond to: No one can pimp me into feeling fannish about something. It's not possible. I have to find it on my own, discover whatever it is that will make me go from 0 to 60 by watching it by myself, it's very much an internal process for me. You can show me the work, but it won't happen to me if you sit me down to watch it or tell me to read fic. I have never gotten into a fandom by reading fic or watching vids for something I didn't know.

I know that I have never been hardcore fannish about a book, though I will sometimes read fic for certain books. I'm mostly motivated by visual media, and in particular certain types of characters, and certain types of actors. I'm pretty much impervious to fannish osmosis when it comes to someone, an actor or a singer or whatever--I'll absorb the information, but never the squee, if I'm not already inclined to it.

Talent is a huge thing for me--actors who are serviceable rarely cut it. I'm as shallow as the next person, but if the best they can do is hit their marks and say lines, I'm rarely going to respond to them at that level.

So I wish I knew what changes those things, what makes me go from "don't care" to ALL THE FEELS. I remember being fannish about Buffy, for instance, and I'd made some vids, but the thing that made me want to write all the fic was Spike falling in love with Buffy. Almost the instant that happened, I was writing fanfic. There was something about the impossible UST of it, of a character I loved falling against his will for another character I loved, and something about that alchemical reaction turned lead into gold for me. But it hasn't been that way for other fandoms or ships. And I wasn't super fannish about the first Cap movie, or Steve in general, until somewhere along the line watching Avengers again, and then Winter Soldier came out and it hit something inside me, just an explosion of feelings that I didn't have before for those characters--sad Steve, lonely and against the world, developing friendships over the course of the film (I'm sure that a male-female friendship played a huge part for me), finding out the person he loved most in the world was alive…it seemed to be a perfect recipe to tip me over the edge, plus the acting in that was so elevated from Avengers and the story was so tight and fascinating and just…a perfect storm.

I think there has to be some kind of openness to the story, something else that needs exploring. Something that hasn't been said, so I want to say it.

So I wish I could bottle that. I feel weird lately, how most of my other fandoms are small and background and I'm still so focused on Cap fandom. I wish I could figure out what the elements are that could make me excited about more things.

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Snowflake challenge day 11

Day 11

In your own space, make a list of at least 3 things that you like about yourself. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.


Yeah, I don't know. I can't really do this. I'm hard pressed to think of even one thing I like about myself.

I mean, I guess there are things that are okay or acceptable, but like? no. Especially because throughout my life, the things I might have liked have always been thrown back at me as terrible things when people got angry with me.

1. I guess I have a pretty good sense of timing in vids.

2. I'm good at finding music, for my own vids and other people's.

3. I have a pretty decent aesthetic eye.

I hate this challenge day.

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Snowflake challenge day 10

Day 10
In your own space, post a rec for fannish and/or creative resources and spaces. Tell us where you go to dig up canon facts for your fandom, or where you get all the juicy details about your favorite ship. Where do you like to hang out and squee like a squeeing thing? Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.



So, [personal profile] minim_calibre posted some great resources here and I'm just gonna say you should go look at hers. [personal profile] killabeez also has posted some great resources.

But me? I don't have a lot of things that I can rec people, because my research is often so idiosyncratic and centered around what I want to write that I can't imagine it being of use to anyone. For instance, I wanted to fill the prompt in the kissing meme for Steve/Bucky, baseball, which led me to look up casual baseball leagues in the '30s in NYC, and uniforms, and then that started me down a road toward which year the Dodgers might be playing a double-header on Steve's birthday, which led me to Bucky Walters, the famous pitcher back then, and television (finding out the first televised baseball game ever was the date when Bucky Walters pitched against the Dodgers in Brooklyn), which led me to an idea for baseball being played by soldiers in WWII so I started researching the where, when, and how of it. I can't imagine anyone else caring about that sort of research, so...

And I don't belong to any prompt communities or things that are designed to inspire writers, though sometimes I wish I could be. I tend to avoid those, because I know a lot of people who like sex kink and rape stories post there, and I really fucking hate seeing that stuff show up in front of my eyes because then I'm stuck with their summaries in my head for days and it's very upsetting. I loved the kissing fest that such heights put on last February, because the prompts were so interesting and fun. But I tend to stick with my little corner.

I will say that, much as I hate Tumblr as a tool because I think it's the most poorly designed website ever and it just keeps getting worse and worse to use, I've gotten a lot of fic ideas out of it. Meta and art and photography have sometimes been inspirational; and there's the squee factor, writ large. I know it was a huge portion of what made the summer of 2014 so spectacular for me, because at the time I was watching the movie every week in the theatre I was also seeing hundreds of gifsets and pics and meta and vids crossing my dashboard.

So my source seems to be…mostly myself. Seeking out what I'll respond to, delving into research for whatever new thing I'm working on. Talking about it often with friends helps, and I have a BFF who has a deep, deep knowledge of military stuff and WWII stuff that I can poke around in and talk about with. Inspiration can come from the strangest places sometimes--when I was working on Things We Lost in the War, I was copyediting a guidebook about living abroad in France. I was reading about the Masif Central and the hundreds of hot springs there, and I realized I had the fix for a segement of the story that had been bothering me for months. I just couldn't find a way to make it work to my satisfaction, even with all the WWII material I was sifting through, and then that little hot springs note made me remember some other stuff about the area I'd read in a book about the war, and just--pow! Fixed the whole section.

(And speaking of min, she also posted a list of reseources about mental health in WWII, and perusing that back in 2014 helped Dark Approach, because buried in some of that I found a treatment discussion for combat fatigue, which led to a whole other thing, and so on down the line, and helped me with the final chapter of the story.)

There's just always little fragments of information that I love to latch on to, whether it's from online resources or something that floats by in tumblr or something someone says to me.

ETA: Ooo! I did think of one resource that can be helpful for people writing historical fic: The American Heritage Dictionary of Idioms. There are a lot of extremely popular stories in Cap fandom that just kind of enrage me because they're so full of anachronistic phrasing that it ruins anything they write for me. You can often find out the date of origin for a word or phrase in a decent dictionary or even just a quick google search, but I've also come to love my AH idiom dictionary to double check on certain oddball English idiomatic phrases. They don't have a lot of sweary ones and some things are missing that I wish they'd address, but god, every time I see a historically set story where someone's saying "freaking out" or "gross" or something, I want to beat them over the head with this book. We have this tendency to take for granted that words always meant what they mean now, as if English isn't this constantly evolving language, and especially pop culture phrases, I wish writers would check more. Even if you can't check out an idiom dictionary from the library, there are people out there who can find out for you pretty quickly.

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Snowflake challenge day 9

I skipped Day 8 as well, since I have been interacting in spaces a lot lately.

Day 09

In your own space, set some goals for the coming year. They can be fannish or not, public or private. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.


This one's a bit hard for me. There are all these things I want to do--work out more, walk more, be a better person, earn more money/get more clients who actually want to pay me, but a lot of things feel very much out of my control. The biggest thing would be to find some way to reduce my constant unending back pain, but nothing so far has helped, and I don't have the funds to really try anything else. I don't know that surgery's off the table medically speaking, but I have no one to help me out post-surgery, and from everyone I've spoken to who had this kind of back issue, they are pretty debilitated for a while. So. I try to figure out other things, but it's both an expensive and time-consuming route.

I did already check off one thing on my list of goals, though--the other day Killabeez and Mr. Killabeez came down to help me figure out how to back up my system so I won't have something happen like last year, where my video card died and I was terrified I was going to lose all my vid stuff like I did in the hard drive crash a few years ago. Plus we had lunch at the Swinery, which I've tried to get up to for years and never did, and oh god, it's pork heaven (plus other things! but pork OMG).

Fannish goals, I honestly don't know. I have tons of fic ideas, but I feel like a lot of times I'm the only writer who instead of building an audience in a fandom by posting lots of fic, has actually done the inverse and fewer and fewer people want to read anything. So my big goal is to try to ignore the fact that I feel worthless and push on. I don't think I can write even a quarter of these things and work at the same time before Civil War comes out, and that feels like a sword hanging over my head, because it'll pretty much torpedo everything I want to do.

This is the first time in 20 years I'm not going to Escapade, unless something wild changes my mind and I rush off on the spur of the moment. But I would like to do a vid, only it's Jan. 15 and I haven't done anything. I want to make more vids, if I could get my pain under control. But it's tough, with the worthlessness feeling (see above). Depression and that sense of you're not worth anything if you're not achieving highly really do a number on my creative impetus, plus the work I do tends to eat up time and doesn't really allow me much leeway when it comes in. Freelance is a weird life.

I'd also really like to read more books that aren't for work. Much of what I read for work is pretty atrocious, and it's been hard to finish anything for years. But last year I read two whole fiction books, so I would like to continue that and do more.

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Snowflake challenge day 7

Day 7

In your own space, share a favorite piece of original canon (a TV episode, a song, a favorite interview, a book, a scene from a movie, etc) and explain why you love it so much. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.


So behind!

I couldn't decide here what I wanted to share, but I remembered looking for this scene from La Femme Nikita a while ago for a friend who was working on a book. She is a good writer, solid and workmanlike, but because she's super analytical and has an engineer's brain, everything is kind of flat, and her characters don't seem to have a lot of interior life or express any intense emotions. She'll describe them that way, but it often doesn't come to life on the page in our critique group readings until she gets feedback from us. I was telling her about this scene because she had a section where her protagonists in a thriller romance were in a horrible situation, and how this show was such a perfect series to rip off for fiction.

La Femme Nikita, WarCollapse )

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Out of the past

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