Yesterday I flew back to Oahu to catch the island hopper over to Lanai. Man, was that a trip -- prop plane, teeny seats with your knees up to your chest, walk out onto the tarmac from a place that's off to the side of the airport out of the way of everything else, and there isn't even anyone to tell you what to do if you're unfamiliar with it, everyone sort of stumbles around till we can latch onto someone who knows the drill. There are really only three places to stay on the island, and two of them are Four Seasons hotel resorts. So they pick you up in a shuttle van that's segregated by hotel (Manele Bay or Koele Lodge), and they take you on this amazing, loooong, twisty drive through this completely unique landscape till you get to the hotel complex at the bottom of the hill.

Then they bring everyone cool, wet towels (much needed after the boiling hot plane), give you a kukui nut lei, and usher you into a room that becomes a lounge/eatery later in the evening, where you can sit on the verandah above the pool area, looking at the ocean, while they bring you your guest info, check in with you step by step, and your own personal ... person takes you to your room. Your baggage follows later by the bell service folks, who also bring you a full ice bucket. In your bar fridge (it's not a mini bar), there are two bottles of water chillin' and some cream containers for hot beverages which you can make in your coffee maker on the top of the little bar area.

They ask you what schedule you might like to set for your housekeeper -- you can choose any time that works for you. They come twice a day, the evening one does the whole turndown service thing and brings you a bottle of water, tidies up, and gives you more ice. You can call room service for anything, including bringing you complete supplies to stock your bar with, and they even carry both Coke AND Pepsi, which does my Pepsi-lovin' heart good because I am always stuck not being able to have that when I travel.

When you go to the pool, there's a guy who will pull up or down the umbrella, bring your towels, adjust anything you need, get you ice water and arrange anything you want with whomever -- the waiter for the poolside bar, the concierge for dinner resies, what have you. If you wind your way down to the beach where there's a bay with a marine preserve, they will grab umbrellas for you, the chairs, etc., and you can get your snorkel great from them. They also serve snacks and drinks.

Farther along the property, there are "cottages," which are more like houses, where I guess the truly rich stay, not that any of this life is cheap. The bills you sign to your room are rather staggering. But I was prepared for this, and I know I might regret it when I get my Visa bill, but in the meantime I don't, I think it was a good decision to come here. Though I felt really weird about it, especially yesterday, like I don't belong -- well, I mean, I know I don't belong. I grew up lower middle class, we never had money and my parents were dead set against spending anything we did have because they grew up in the Depression. I don't know what they'd make of me here! THis is a place where celebs and rich people stay; and in fact, I've heard that there's a celeb here right now. There isn't much else to do but lounge and relax. I never used to understand that whole fashion designer resort thing, but I guess now I see what it means. You wear your fancy clothes for the restaurants, your bikini and thousand dollar coverup at the poolside, etc.

Which is partly why I feel so frumpy and misplaced. Everywhere I look it's couples, couples, and more couples, and they're all heterosexual couples too, who seem very intent on appearing as coupley as possible. Today I saw one pair who were swimming in the pool in a hug, and it didn't look sweet or adorable, it looked like one of those "look, I have a man" things. There are only a few people here without a better half, and they seem to be here for business (I can't imagine working at a place that would pay for a place like this). Yesterday, in fact, when we checked in, the reception woman assumed that since there was a single man near me, we were together, and I had to do the embarrassing thing of loudly trying to get her attention to explain I wasn't with him. So after eating alone in the lounge, I ended up feeling really down, despite all this. And yes, I know how pathetic that sounds, to feel sorry for yourself doing something most people can never dream of. But I just felt so acutely alone, to be here where my sister would have LOVED to go and we could have had a great girl's week together, that I couldn't call my dad, that I could send postcards to my mom, who loved to get postcards wherever her girls traveled.

Anyways, I was trying to shake myself out of it when I got back to the room (there's a motherfuckin' WATERFALL right outside my door), and on top of the bar was a tray of chocolate covered strawberries with these little dragees that tasted like they were made from rice, and note from the owner of the travel agency hoping I had a good time. So that quickly knocked me off my pity-potty, and I just spent the evening having a soaking bath, reading, and watching TV, and just relaxing. I got up late, and had quite possibly the most amazing massage ever from a guy who instructs in lomilomi massage technique, and he was so careful of my sunburn and just fucking amazing. I'm going back to him tomorrow for a ti-leaf wrap and skin treatment to help with my sunburns. I think I'll wait till Tuesday to snorkel, because hopefully the burns will be better by then so being in the sun in the water won't be quite so bad. The beach guy told me that 8:30 was the best time for snorkeling so, woe, I must get up early.

That's hard to do here -- even though there's no nightlife and things shut down early, I have never seen a sky like this, ever. I'm right on the ocean, so I stood here most of the night staring out at the stars, thousands of them that looked like I could reach out and grab them, they are so bright and close. With the ocean crashing into the rocks below, it's spectacular. I haven't seen stars like this even on hiking trips in the mountains, because here you've got the ocean horizon in front of you, so it's as if the stars are at your feet as well.

I could have lived without the asshole smoking a fucking cigar beneath my window when I started this post, but at least he's gone now. So far that's the only real negative. They have all these different gardens through the property, and I still haven't gone to see the Japanese garden or the Hawaiian one. For nothing to do, there's lots to do! I might or might not try to set up a tour of the island tomorrow. It's not cheap, but I would love to see more of it, and see the Garden of the Gods, which has petroglyphs and some prehistoric stone formations. There's also afternoon tea up at the lodge, and you can hop a shuttle there for that... so I'll have to see. And then there's the cliff walk and hike... so much to try to cram in! Plus, um, more pool time.

Today is my last full day in Kauai -- ::cries:: I really really do not want to go. The ONLY thing good about leaving here is that I'm a few days closer to being reunited with my babies, but man, it's hard. This morning I went on a helicopter tour, and at the office, they had a little dog named Oscar, whose last name is Meyer (not a dachshund!). Poor thing didn't know what hit him when I came after him. This was after I met a ginger kitty at a different tour operator's place -- I could NOT find my place at all, and I was horribly late driving around and getting more and more lost, and panicking because I thought I would miss my tour. Then the skies opened up and we had the most torrential rain I've seen in decades, just amAHzing, as Penny would say on Happy Endings. So I finally stopped at the other tour operator and asked for information, and they were so nice. I also petted the kitty and despite being completely soaked (I looked like I'd jumped out of a swimming pool), that made me feel better.

I can't even find words for the tour. It's just...well, if you've ever seen the Jurassic Park movies, you've seen some of the scenery we looked at, and to see it in real 3-D is like nothing I've ever experienced. Only 20 percent of Kauai is accessible on foot or by car, so there are places you can really only see from the air -- and my god, they are breathtaking. Also, riding in a helicopter? I totally understand why rich people have their own choppers and pilots. It was better than any rollercoaster in any universe. I LOVED IT. I will inflict not just pics of all this stuff on everyone, but probably also copy parts of the DVD and put them up on YouTube or something.

Yesterday I figured I'd have a quiet day and just go to the beach and hang out here. Unfortunately I did the same thing I did the other day, just kept driving because I missed where I was trying to go (I was looking for a cemetery I couldn't find), so I stopped eventually at a place called Salt Pond Park and waded for a while. The sand here is very different from what I'm used to, even on Oahu: it's incredibly soft and shifty, so you sink into your ankles with each step, sometimes up to your calves. I think if you went walking or running on these beaches every day, you would have the most amazing legs and ass. Before I reached that, I stumbled onto this really weird, cool tiny cemetery next to the formal Hawaii Veterans Cemetery, which judging from the names made me realize it was a Filippino cemetery. So at least I got that.

Then I headed back to Poipu beach and spent a long time looking at tidepools in the volcanic rocks. It was really incredible, all these baby fish and bigger fish and crabs and stuff, in those volcanic black rocks. Afterward I came back to the room and went swimming in the super cold waterfall pool, then laid around and read magazines in the warm afternoon.

Getting up so early for the helicopter tour was tough--my natural tendency is to be a night owl anyway, but here it's just hard not to be. The air is soft and breezy and warm even late at night, and the scent of the flowers is more intense. I just want to sit out on the balcony and surf the web or read or what have you and not go to bed.

After the tour today, I thought I might drive north for a while and see how far I could get. I saw a sign at one point for a lighthouse, so I turned off, and found out I was at the edge of the wildlife preserve, which I'd wanted to go to but had thought I wouldn't have time. I took some pics of the red-footed boobies nesting in the trees at the viewpoint, then drove on into the preserve, paid my $5, and climbed up to the lighthouse, which is at the end point of the path for visitors. I saw an albatross, more boobies, and some other pelagic birds that are found there, one of which moans and groans while it's hiding in its little holes in the sand, so you never see it but you can hear it -- it's freaking hilarious, and sounds like cats getting ready to fight.

That was a very, very fine day. But I'm tired and sunburned (there's really just no way to avoid it, no matter how much sunscreen I put on, I will burn if I'm out more than a half hour), and now I have to repack tonight so I can sleep a little later in the morning before heading to the airport to return to Honolulu and then on to Lanai.

But not before I have a soak in the Jacuzzi and lobster pot pie for dinner!

Ah, two more days down in paradise. Yesterday I went to the Grand Hyatt spa for a massage and mani/pedi. I felt like a new person when I left -- the massage was very expensive, but totally worth it, very relaxing and gentle and fragrant. Every once in a while she would spray this citrusy mist over me and it felt like heaven -- you're in these private rooms they describe as cabanas, that are open air with your own prive little courtyard in the room full of flowers and plants and birds chirping away. The whole spa is full of open-air things, with different kinds of showers all over, and table where you can have lunch brought in, or drinks, and a small spa pool and whirlpools that are clothing optional if you're in the spa area. I opted for a volcanic rock shower, because it's a lot like the open air showers they have around the island. There's a reason this spa is world famous. But between my shredded fingers and my mess of a back, I couldn't see going anywhere else, and I'm so glad I did. Once you sign in, too, you get access to all the areas for the whole day, even if you're not a guest. You can use the fitness room, the pools, and have rooms service bring lunch to you.

I opted instead to head out to Hanapepe, an artist's community these days, but I missed it because it was tucked behind the highway and no one told me that. Since I couldn't turn around easily for a while, I just decided to head straight out to Waimea Canyon (the Grand Canyon of the Pacific), even though I had to pee something awful. But I knew there'd be a restroom at the end of the road at the lookout point...I just didn't quite realize how loooong those 11 miles would be going up that twisty turny road. It was worth it though -- holy smoke is that place humbling. It makes you realize how insignificant we are, and yet how much damage we do this place that's so majestic we live on.

By the time I got back, I needed some more caffeine, and I went to the nearby Starbucks and shopped in the little mallish place there. Then I drove a bit farther and got some fish tacos, came back home, and read and drank lots of Bailey's and just relaxed inside and out -- I also watched a movie I'd brought with me, The Big Year, which was quite charming. How great it is to have a Blu-Ray player here!

Today I slept a little longer and then went to Poipu Cemetery, which I'd seen the other day as I drove by. It's amazing, just amazing, and I got some fabulous pictures of the lava rock headstones and ti-planted graves. There was a field next to it, where I met a bunch of lovely horsies grazing, and they came over and single file kind of walked next to the fence and let me scritch them -- they were dubious about me at first, but once they realized I knew just where to scritch horsies, they were like, "OK, you're cool." Unfortunately I was all the way across the cemetery when the best shot occurred -- one of the cattle egrets riding on one of the horses as he moseyed along. It was delightful.

After that I went to the National Botanical Gardens -- quite possibly one of the most beautiful places on the face of this planet. They are endeavoring to save and revive nearly extinct species, and there's just some truly amazing things there. They divide it into sections of native plants, "canoe" plants that were brought by the Polynesians and other islanders millennia ago, and introduced plants since the time of Capt. Cook.

While I was there, I spotted a wetlands bird as I was taking a movie of a little rock waterfall, and I think I was the only person on the grounds who even noticed the little guy. Turns out he is a highly endangered bird and I was beside myself with joy to see him. I took soooo many pictures of him. So far I've seen about a dozen birds I've never heard of before, among them the nene, which was nearly extinct a few years ago but is showing signs of recovery through management programs. I'm completely enchanted with the red-crested cardinal (so vibrant!), and those chickens I mentioned.

I should say, though, that they are apparently NOT chickens, nay, they are jungle fowl don'tcha know. I guess they've been here for quite a long time. The hens are not too vibrant, but they are cute as hell, with their little babies, but the, er, cocks, are quite stunning with a lot of different colors and "styles" of feather markings.

After that I went to Laffert's ice cream place, which everyone had told me I HAD to try, and it was indeed good, then I picked up a burger from Bubba's, quite the popular local place, and went back home and took myself a nice long bath (every part of me aches now from hiking through 250 acres of park). The backs of my knees are sunburned -- WTF? And two small spots above my kneecaps. I have absolutely no idea.

I'm not planning too much for tomorrow, I think maybe swimming on Poipu beach and the pool here again, and then on Friday I have to get up far too early to go take a helicopter tour of the island. Holy shit. I'm going to ride in a helicopter! It's gonna be just like Jurassic Park! Only, you know, without dinosaurs.

You guys you guys, I'm in Kauai! Sitting in my HUGE flat (this place is way bigger than my house, and they gave me a three-bedroom, three bath room for reasons I can't fathom since I'm here alone) with the sliding doors to the wraparound balcony open and the tropical wind stirring the palms and plumeria outside. My god, I am exhausted. It's quarter to midnight my time, and I've been up since 5 a.m., and since I did not pack light at all, I carried these heavy heavy bags around everywhere and Honolulu airport still sucks after 30 years! WTF?

But anyway, all my flights were actually on time, and I remember years ago, Hawaiian Airlines was kind of joke, but wow, they've turned themselves around -- that was some of the most pleasant flying I've ever had. I mean, yeah, I was in first class and that was divine, and totally worth the upgrade considering what a long flight it is, but the people all along the way were really wonderful. And so far everyone I've met here has been just aces. I totally want to move here now.

I've been taking pictures of everything, but I'm just too tired to deal with posting them right now. The thing I'm most enchanted with right now is the chickens -- there are gorgeous chickens everywhere I go, by the side of the road, in the parking lots, at the airport (I kid you not). At the little mall I stopped at to get something to drink on the way out of the airport, there was a beautiful red and purpley feathered mama with her teeeeeny little baby chicks and I was so worried about them there in this busy parking lot. They disappeared into the impatiens so I hope they do OK!

Alexfandra, I saw a bird by the road that was freaking spectacular, and I have no idea what it was, but if I can find another one I'll take a pic. I've also seen something that looked like an egret, and the usual small songbirds. It's just so beautiful here.

I tried to take a nap when I got here, but I couldn't, so I went to the natural foods store and picked up dinner -- fantastic roasted chicken, corn, a heavenly french bread loaf -- because I wanted to use this fancy kitchen with all the schmancy appliances. So there are two soaking tubs here, and three rain shower type stalls, and I considered taking a soaking bath, but opted to go down to the whirlpool tub (there are two swimming pools and Jacuzzis), which was lovely in the dark -- I could see so many stars it was crazy, even with the tiki torches around. My back is still killing me, and I tore a bunch of my nails off trying to get my carryon out of the bin when we landed, but the concierge here got me an appt for a mani-pedi and massage tomorrow morning. She is going to get a nice tip.

Haven't had the time or energy yet to read or write, but plan to start that tomorrow. And then Wed I think I'll head out to Waimea or Princeville -- I have a lot of exploring to do but my first priority is relaxing and trying to find my creativity again. Just sitting on the balcony on one of --no joke -- eight different lounging chairs, plus outside table and dining chairs won't be that hard to do. ;-)

Hopefully Dad and sis_r are looking down at me and approving.

OK, so by a fairly hefty margin, in my poll of what to do in the 100 things challenge, my favorite episodes of TV won. Coming in second was 100 vids I like, which maybe I'll take on in the future, who knows. The hard part is that so many things I like aren't online anymore after so many of us lost our streaming vids when Imeem went down.

I'm not sure if I'll start that before or after my vacation. So for the first time in about 15 years, I'm going on a real honest to god getaway to someplace exotic vacation next week, to Kauai and Lanai in Hawaii. After my dad died, I kept thinking of how stressed out I was, how much I had dreamed for years of going somewhere that wasn't for a convention or work, and I had the money to do it because of my dad's life insurance policy. So after I finished a couple of the big projects I was working on, I went into a travel agency (since I really couldn't cope with doing the research myself at all) and said here's what I'm looking at, what I want to do, and when I want to go, and the guy listened to me (I told him a little about things lately and how much work I've had, and how I wanted to carve out time to be warm, quiet, and focus on writing), and said, "It sounds like you need to relax, be taken care of, and pampered" and I exclaimed, "Yes! That's it! You can stop right there!"

I'm really looking forward to this. I haven't been to Hawaii since I was 21. I'm going by myself, so I don't plan to do a lot of adventuring, though I am considering taking a helicopter tour of the parks and beaches because I've never been in a helicopter, or possibly ziplining. No one believes that I want to just sit and look at the beach and palm trees and read and write. They all are practically daring me -- this kind of "there's so much to see and do and it's so beautiful, if all you do is sit there and work on your computer you're wasting money." But I mean... that's other people. I've always been content to just sit and enjoy scenery if I'm warm and comfortable.

And I should be pretty damn comfortable -- the place in Kauai is a rental villa thingie, so I'll have an entire flat at my disposal with ocean views at Poipu Beach. I'm planning to buy lots of food, and just hang out and enjoy doing nothing, with a few excursions here and there. The place has huge grounds with all kinds of things to look at, and two swimming pools, one with lagoons and meandering contours, and the other with waterfalls and stuff. I can walk to the beach, or drive, or go somewhere else, because I'll have a car. And on Lanai, there really isn't much to do at all, and I'll be at a full-service resort on a bay with a marine preserve there, so I can snorkel to my heart's content right at the hotel, and then sit on my ... well, lanai and write.

I feel very decadent. At one point I told the guy, "Money's not a big issue right now" because I just wanted to go all the way, and not do what I have always done which is to pinch every possible penny and stay in crappy places because I needed to save. It's very weird. But most of the ancillary stuff is taken care of in the package, so that's all paid for. I just got a new camera to take on the trip, too. It's pretty snazzy for a point and shoot. I have a shit-ton of books I haven't had a chance to read on my Nook Color, and hopefully I can regain this feeling of excitement I had back in the fall about writing this novel. I'm afraid I've lost the idea and the enthusiasm, which scares me a little, but if it doesn't come, well, I'm still in paradise.

I just eked out my Club Vivid vid at the last minute. I'm tired of doing this to myself. I hate working against deadlines, but lately I've been so busy I can't get the jump start on things I usually need. I think it's a bad vid, but that's what I get for waiting so long. Next up, Premieres. I also haven't contacted the vidders for my vid show because I've been so busy. I shouldn't be writing this, but... my eyes are so tired from reading so much today to get this book proofed that I just can't do anything but look at my keyboard.

A few months ago I volunteered to help SDWolfpup out with putting together all the vid files in a disc for Bitchin' Party's vid show. Me and tech are notoriously unmixy, and I had never even opened DVD Studio before. It was a terrifying experience. The only reason we even got a disc out of that thing was Killabeez, who came over and showed me what to do and gave me tips. And even then, some of the files just... would not work for love or money, and I got to a point where I was cursing all vidders and wishing them all dead. I have no idea how the tech people put Vividcon together. My mind boggles. I always had respect for them before, but now I have something more like awe. It is hard. It is unbelievably hard, because people send in stuff that's the wrong aspect ratios and glitchy video and the wrong files and everything you can imagine, and the technology is just all different for every single person. It's INSANE. And you throw in someone like me, who's completely incompetent... well, recipe for disaster. And yet somehow I got the disc done, and it worked, and the vid show was incredibly well-planned, and it was a huge hit. So go figure. It took me a while but I finally got to a place where I felt proud of myself instead of just embarrassed by how stupid I am.

In fact, this was pretty much me the whole time I was doing it:



Lessee, what else? Geez, I don't know. Life is weirdly quiet lately, with Dad gone and just being bogged down with work. I had a brief break, but it's started up again, and I have to keep turning work away, which is just weird. I think the dogs are the biggest excitement in my world right now.

Wow, I have been absent lately. My last post was almost a month ago. It's not that I've left for greener pastures, it's just that I have so many things to say, so little time, and when I sit down to write posts, they're never as good once I start typing as they were in my head at 2 in the morning as I was getting ready for bed. So in a situation like that, where I need impetus to get going, I take cues from my more sensible sisters, especially sdwolfpup, whose ideas are always grand. In this case, I thought maybe I'd do that 100 things challenge, as a way to poke me into posting in LJ, and not being afraid to just say what I want to say.

I was tying to think of things to write 100 entries about. Here's a few things I think I could actually follow through all the way -- vote and tell me what to do!

Poll #1835638 100 Things Challenge
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 37

What should I post 100 things about?

Oh, and speaking of cute animals -- my latest foster dog, Winnie. She's a grotesquely overweight, slightly handicapped, going blind, nearly toothless, and partially deaf senior pug. But she's super sweet, and doesn't even seem to mind me constantly poking at her with medicines of all kinds.

OMG, this video just made me cry and cry. I know it's because I have rescue dogs a lot, but I think I would cry regardless -- happy endings for suffering animals always makes me cry. Make sure you have Kleenex at hand.



Now I'm off to the vet with Mr. Blues -- he has a lump on his chin and I am very worried. He seems fine, but... lump. I don't know.

Sorry to be so absent lately. I've been lollygagging about many things, I just can't seem to get my head into functioning space these days. Which is sad because there is much TV to write about! Awake (wonderful), Southland (hmmm), Justified (AWESOME), and of course now Community's back (hallefreakinlujah), and White Collar just finished its season (conflicted). Also I am totally into Happy Endings and having a love-less than love with Revenge. Waiting and waiting for Fringe, which I would write about except that I feel too stupid to discuss it. Sometimes it gives me a headache.

Also I have a new foster puppersons, a little charcoal colored schnauzer who is super cute and looks kind of like a dark version of Gromit.

But the main thing I wanted to talk about is a plea for help. I volunteered to VJ a show at Vividcon called Weird Science. It was my idea, and now I'm in a panic because I'm realizing the vids I was thinking of probably wouldn't work! What I was thinking of was vids about skience (like Fringe, X-Files, House that sort of thing -- the goofy stuff that passes for science in tvland), about mad scientists (from Frankenstein to Walter Bishop and everyone in between), crazy skience run amok (like, well, the movie Weird Science), mutants and slayers and monsters and all that. Maybe there's even a good Spock vid out there... I just don't know. Do you?

Feel free to point me in the direction of some vids for this show, otherwise I'm going to be in serious hot water! I said in my notes that it's not about 'ships, but I'm totally open to vids where the 'ship is part of the skience (and if anyone has a Walter/Gene vid, I'm all over that one). So help me out, flist and droll! Tell me about some Weird Science vids!

Here's my premiering vid from Escapade. At some point I'll write about the trip (blackbird777 and I went down early to do some adventuring) when I'm sufficiently recovered, which I am not at this point.

Heel on the Shovel
Artist: 16 Horsepower
Fandom: Justified
DL the 42MB Divx avi here (best quality)

Streaming here or embed below.



I owe a thousand million thanks to killabeez, who edited these two songs for me so that I could put them together to tell my Raylan story. She is the most wonderful song editor, and most wonderfullest person around.

God, I've been like the worst DWer/LJer lately. I've been catching up on all the life I've lost the past few months, well, the past year really. I have many things to post about, but I keep finding excuses not to. Plus many of my shows are back, and I have ALL the feelings about so much of it.

But in the meantime... I really want to urge you all, female and male and neutral, to read this article from Discover magazine on the science of the Komen issue and how even worse than the recent defunding issue is their crap science that is possibly killing women. It explains, in understandable language, what most people don't know about this disease and the issues surrounding it. I used to talk about these things with Snady, and it still makes me boil with rage that the things we've learned aren't more common knowledge, that we have to dig for this information because the messages that *are* getting out there are so very wrong.

Seriously. Please read it. Spread it around, even.

This year I made a vid for The Wire, for anoel, which was a pretty awesome assignment: someone I know and really like makes it a whole lot easier to work on a vid! I have had this piece in mind for a long time for The Wire, and it spoke to me as an Omar vid in a lot of ways. For years, I've avoided making any Wire vids, I've been daunted by trying to tell any of those stories because the show is just so damn good and so complex that vidding feels like a huge challenge. But Festivids felt like a good time to try to do it. A million thanks to killabeez and sdwolfpup for their encouragement and tossing around the topic with me; their own Wire vids were hugely inspirational to me in making this.

I think the streaming version of this really looks bad, but I'll put it up here anyways. The DL is a lot better.

Soul Survivor
Artist: Young Jeezy with Akon
Fandom: The Wire
File: 32MB Divx avi
Streaming: http://www.viddler.com/v/576e71c4



And my lovely gifts were made by Zhailei and Killabeez! You should totally go check them out -- the supercool Middleman vid is awesome, and I didn't know the vidder before, so yay, new vidding pals!! It's cool to see people being enchanted by Killa's wonderful vid for Catch & Release, too -- more people to check out this lovely movie of my heart!

OMG, you guys, I got two wonderful Festivids this year. It's my first year participating and I got two!!!! And they are both magnificent and have not enough comments, so you should totally go watch them and leave comments for my wonderful vid giftie givers!

The first one is for The Middleman, and it's just fabulous and funny and silly and captures the tone of the show so perfectly: The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny by Lemon Demon (and at DW here). Seriously, Indiana Jones references, Wendy is Chuck Norris, and Abraham Lincoln with a machete. It's just wonderful and it looks really fabulous, and the timing is superb. I hold it next to my heart, but I'm also careful not to watch it again when I'm drinking tea.

The second one is just... here is where I get all flaily and teary-eyed: It's for the little movie of my heart, Catch and Release, and I was really not expecting this because only about five people in the world have ever seen the movie, and probably even fewer of us love it with a passion like I do. Breakable (DW here is an Ingrid Michaelson song that just fits the characters in this movie to an absolute T -- they are all breakable girls and boys, but they are resilient because they love. Even if you don't know the movie, you should watch this vid because it's lovely and beautiful and sniffly and perfect.

This has really made a time that's been feeling pretty bad so much better. I feel very lucky.

I owe many of you emails; I will respond, I promise, I've just been kind of hunkered down, trying to finish all the work that was giving me so much stress. I sent the last book off yesterday and spent the rest of the day screwing around. Wednesday was a month since Dad died, and it's starting to really feel bad; in the first few weeks, I didn't have time to feel the loss, but now it's really hitting me. It also doesn't help that Dad and I always checked in with each other when it snowed, and we've had major snow here in the Northwest, along with serious ice storm damage, and it was something we always talked about. I kept reaching for the phone, and I find myself doing that every day.

The service was really nice; thanks to everyone who provided me with music or ideas. I think it worked out really well. It was small and very few people said much, everyone was shy, I guess, but afterward we were there for a really long time talking to people. I saw some cousins I haven't seen in decades.

All I've really done, though, is start the balls rolling for all the paperwork and legal stuff, but with the somewhat paralyzing snow (I swear to god if I hear one more smug asshole transplant from some other part of the country go on about how stupid Seattleites are in snow I will cut a bitch; you cannot drive in half a foot of snow and ice up 16% grade hills and over frozen bridges, you dumbass hillbillies, and you should just go back where you came from) many people haven't been in offices. It feels like when he died -- the holidays then, with all the attendant excuses. It's just taking forever to get anything done. At least I finally got the death certificates so I could notify some people.

I'm glad that I'm finished with some of the work, so I can concentrate on other things. My house is a sty because of all the work not allowing me to clean, it's actually reached a (for me) gross stage. One of the nice things that happened was I had to get a new washer/dryer -- no, really, that was a good thing. When we did the remodel, they put in a utility closet room which they built to house my all in one unit, the little Euro combination washer/dryer in one.

I like them when I've used them in Europe, and I liked my friend's a lot, but the model I got, an Asko from Sweden, was one of the worst purchases I've ever made. At first it was plagued with problems from installation and bad information; then over time when it was settled, it just turned out to have so many problems, so many things going wrong, but I couldn't justify spending the money on something new and there were very, very limited options for what would fit in there. I was happy when it started really malfunctioning in the past year; well, not happy because it was burning my things in the drying cycle, but satisfied that I would have an excuse to get something new. I settled on the Bosch Axxis washer and condensing dryer (because they didn't put in a dryer duct when they put in the utility room), and they installed it ten days ago and all I want to do is laundry. I love it so, so much! It has changed my life. I can now put in heavy things without having to sit by the machine the whole hour or so to make sure it doesn't leap across the room! I don't have to worry that it's going to catch on fire! And I got the stacking kit that has a pullout shelf, so I can sort the things I want to line dry before I put something in the dryer.

The convenience of the all in one was lost on me, because I realized that as much as I often leave clothes in the washer till they mold, if I just stay on top of that more, it's better for me because I line dry most clothing, and only use the dryer for a few things. I'll save on everything, which means a lot to me. I'm always amazed at people who go to great lengths to live green, and will spend a lot of money to buy things that are ecological, but they won't update their appliances. Next up is a more efficient fridge, so I'm going to start saving for that.

So yeah, that's how sad my life is. I'm excited by a washer and dryer. There is seriously nothing else going on. Well, except Festivids. I'm really looking forward to the vids tomorrow. I'm especially hopeful for Southland and Justified vids -- with the series starting up this past week, I'm just more into them than ever and I really want to see some vids for them! Also, WHY is everything on AT THE SAME FRIGGIN' TIME? Justified, Southland, White Collar, and Tabatha Takes Over (which, with the new title, I almost missed because it wasn't on my season pass) are all on at the same time. My season passes are all fucked up and apparently the DirecTV tifaux doesn't know how to grab the second airing on cable shows, because they were all fucked up and weren't going to record Tabatha at all. I just don't get it. It used to be Thursdays, now apparently it's Tuesday night. I felt sad, too, because I dropped White Collar down on my priority list; I thought the new season started out with a whimper. There were some good moments, but it just fell flat, especially at the end. The bloom is off the rose, unfortunately, because of the plunder storyline, and I just want to punch Mozzie in the face instead of hug him, and don't care anymore. Bleh. Why did they do that? I hate them for making the show less appealing to me.

I spent a really nice day with Sandy's partner B last Saturday and we went to the eco home design place, and poked around at an antique mall. Man, I'm just missing Sandy so much. We have a Cannibals bash tomorrow, and they just feel so surreal to me now, without her there. B feels her presence, has visitation dreams and the like, and I never have had that with my sister or either of my parents, but I told her to please tell Snady to come visit me. I want to talk to her again, hear her hysterical laugh. The last email she sent me was about a story that she told me about in great shame; I told her to send me the link and she wrote in the subject line, "This is it: the most embarrassing fusion ever," and then the link, with the comment "I have to admit I adored it, but I don't think that speaks well of me..." I keep reading the email, but I don't want to read the story, because then it will be over and I won't have her to respond back to.

Augh. Nevermind me. I'm just a sad old worn out thing.

Gakked from lithiumdoll:

1) Discover the #1 single in your country of origin in the week you were born.
2) Find it on YouTube.
3) Post it on your LJ/DW page without shame. Or for some of you, with shame.



How awesome is it that one of my favorite song/artist combinations was #1 that week?

Hey, everyone, thanks so much for the music suggestions. I don't have much time right now or I'd send individual notes, but I found some lovely stuff and I think I'm all set for the service. I appreciate all your kind words, as well.

So for Yuletide this year, I wrote only one story, again (I'd love to get back to writing at least a couple):
The Outward Gift (3635 words) by gwyneth rhys
Fandom: Deadwood
Rating: Not Rated
Warning: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Jane Cannary/Joanie Stubbs
Characters: Joanie Stubbs, Jane Cannary, Charlie Utter
Summary:

An unusual gift changes everything for Joanie.

I've wanted to write a Joanie/Jane story for quite a few years, so I was really happy to get this assignment. I also matched on another fandom with my recipient, and it was delightful to get to write for someone with so many shared interests in awesome women.

Oh, flist, I need your help. I met with the minister who's doing the funeral service for my dad, and he wanted to know what kind of music to use, just a couple things, he said, but I have no idea what to use. I don't want to default to Amazing Grace, just... you know, because. Dad wasn't a music person much, not really, and we weren't even allowed to listen to pop music when I was a little kid because classical was all there was in my faux-intellectual household. Also, bagpipes. I don't even know.

Dad loved bagpipes, but I don't know that that's good small-service funeral stuff. A lot of people also don't like them. I was thinking maybe something a little lower key, like Uillean pipes, but I don't know of anything off the top of my head that might fit. I was going to go through some of my Celtic music, but the truth is, I haven't got time. I'm so behind on my work and my Festivid (though I finally was able to lay down a whole 30 seconds last night, W00t?) that searching through my music just fills me with dread.

So I turn to you. I only need a few things, but I am very open to suggestions on something peaceful but not gloomy, and bonus points for something vaguely Scottish. (On a side note, boy, do I wish I'd bought the vinyl of the soundtrack to the movie Restless Natives, done by Big Country, back when it was around. That would have been perfect.)

---

Planning this thing has been really difficult. There's just so much to do. And I don't want to do any of it. Even though I've increased my anti-depressant dosage, I'm still just really struggling to get out of bed in the morning. Tilda was the main thing getting me up, but now that she's gone (sob), I just don't want to deal with anything. It's a different kind of depression, too, than I had about my sister. I think it's just that I feel so goddamn alone. Losing Sandy this year, and then Dad, it's just too much, I think. I would like to do something like go to Hawaii and sit on a beach or go on some exotic cruise, but I'm totally alone. Everything just feels really pointless.

Couple that with the fact that I hate ceremonies and there's no one here to help me through this one, I just want to hide. They were asking me about catering for it and I was all flaily, like "I don't want people to linger! I want them to go the fuck home and not talk to me!" But I can't say that. People want closure, they want to feel like they're contributing. However, the things I want them to do, since they keep offering in the most insistent way, they won't or can't do. So I have to put on my smiley face when I really just want to make them go away, and go back to bed.

I also want to read Yuletide fic. I've managed to squeeze in two whole stories beyond my own, but that's not nearly enough.

You guys, I got the most unexpected present for Yuletide -- an MDs story! My little fandom of one actually piqued the interest of my author, and she wrote me a slashy story of hijinx & shenanigans with a little porn thrown in for good measure. And I mean, what's better on Christmas morning than a little porn? Nothing, that's what. Also there is bonus gay biker gang!!! I am so happy. You can read it here (even the description is cute!)

Of Cheeseburgers and Stolen Cars (3674 words) by Anonymous
Fandom: MDs (TV)
Summary:

Dr. Kellerman wants dinner after a crappy day, but gets strippers and Dr. Dalgety instead. Not that he's complaining.

---

Thank you to everyone for the condolences about my dad. It's been a hard week, most notably because I'm incredibly stressed about making my deadline on this huge guidebook I'm working on, and it's amazing how much time the details of Stuff You Have to Do When Someone Dies take. THere is a lot more still to come, and I'm kind of freaking about making all my commitments. And I'm not going to be able to DL ALL the YULETIDE like I'd planned onto my Nook Color and read to my heart's content away from the computer. I was all excite about that this year but I guess my plans will have to wait a while.

It really helps having Miss Tilda here. She's so sweet and funny. Pugs are good therapy. Tonight I'm just going to make this fabulous goat cheese and chard pie that I love, and stay here and put some movies on in the background and continue to work on my book, and my Festivid.

Dad died last night. His birthday was coming soon, on the 27th, and he would have been 87, which is how I'm going to think of him in terms of age. Until last Christmas, he did not act like an 86-year-old -- he was still picking me up at the airport when I traveled, taking care of me with financial planning advice, that sort of thing. It's been a hard year for him, and for me. Now I'm all alone and it feels really empty. Even when he drove me out of my mind, he was my dad, and I had family.

Apparently he coded right after I left the ER to take care of the menagerie at home. Every time they thought they stabilized him, he coded again. I still don't understand why they sent him home the first time when you could see how bad off he was.

I don't think I can answer comments, but I guess I won't turn them off right now. But I'll take it as given, and you're not obliged to comment. Instead I'd refer you to this post about how he earned a bronze star in WWII, as well as a couple other posts of things he wrote to me about his service. I think they paint a better picture of him than anything I could say.

I've been joking with my dad that his anniversary is coming up -- last year he fell a couple days before Christmas, and I spent the holidays in the worst hospital in the world, trying desperately to finish a book that I was behind on. Well, ha fuckin' ha -- here I am again. I got a call from the nursing facility and they were freaking out because he was all swollen up again and not breathing well and they sent him to the hospital. I hate this place with every fiber of my being, they are hands-down the worst hospital I've ever dealt with (and I've dealt with a lot).

So what did they do with the 87-year-old guy who can't breathe and has depleted kidney numbers and looks like he's been in a fight with Dolph Lundgren? They sent him home. Which I will have to pay for. And the staff called me from his residence and were all, OMG he's getting worse, we have to send him to the hospital and you have to tell them to keep him because if he codes we're not able to give him measures and DNR and blah blah. No one called me from the hospital to tell me they were sending him home, or why. Fuckers.

So now I'm sitting in the ER room again, desperately working on both my Yuletide fic and this fucking book, and hoping Tilda doesn't poop in the house, because she's living with me again for a few weeks while her new family goes on a trip. I keep thinking things can't get worse, and then they do! The thing is, I always liked Christmas, I love the lights and the sparkle and songs and such. But if this keeps up, I'm going to hate it.

I am at full DefCon level 1 on my panic for Yuletide. I finally started my story tonight and I think it's going to suck balls and I'm so afraid of giving somebody crap. Bleh. And I have so much work and am so far behind... i just don't know what I'm going to do. It would help if my dad wasn't in crisis mode, but that's another story. Today I had to waste a lot of time dealing with stuff about him, and afterwards I wanted to go somewhere and scream and cry, so instead I did what any sensible person would do in moments of extreme personal crisis: stop at Denny's. A French slam breakfast does help you get through a lot of problems.

So to avoid actually doing the things that are stressing me... I'll do a meme! Gakked this one from kassrachel/ kass.

( My year in 40 questions )