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New vid: Wasp Nest

Just in time to be subsumed under the tsunami from VVC, but when I'm down, I vid, I guess. I also don't know why I'm posting in the middle of the night, since even fewer people will see it than usual, but…here I am. I know this is a really unusual song choice for Natasha, people usually pick these girl power/fighty/harder songs, but I really thought this fit her in so many ways and I wanted to emphasize how she relates to other people, how she's changed, as well.

Wasp Nest
Artist: The National
Fandom: Avengers-verse
You're all humming live wires under your killing clothes.




HQ download available at my vids site here.

Thanks to feochadn for the beta!

But you are the one who is gone

I know I owe a lot of people responses or comments, about my previous posts and the recent fic, and I'm sorry I haven't done that. I'm just having a really hard time right now. I keep seeing Ollie's broken little body, how mangled she was and how brutally and terribly she died, and nothing really means anything right now. I found a little sleeping kitty statue to put over her grave, and some plants to plant around it, but Blues keeps going over to the spot where I put her body when I was trying to find something to wrap her in, and lying down there. And he wouldn't sit in the perch all week, maybe because she wasn't around for him to chase out of it, and he doesn't seem to really know what to do with himself. We're a pair, because I don't either.

And of course now the horrible heat wave has broken but it's too late, she's gone, but hey, don't have to open the doors to get some air in the house anymore, whatever. I'm slated to leave for Vividcon on the 4th, but I wish I wasn't going. Even though I'm traveling with my beloved killabeez, and we're going in early to Chicago and staying at a posh hotel and sightseeing, I just don't care about much of anything right now and the idea of socializing fills me with dread, plus no one's going to want to socialize with me because I'm not exactly good company right now. I couldn't ask for a better person to travel with though, and I'm sure we'll find fun things to do (plus I get to meet up with my dear devilpiglet, as well).

I'm even going to be cosplaying Rachel Duncan from Orphan Black for the dance party, along with other clone sestras, but I just…all I feel is massive depression. I have gauze and a pencil, am waiting for pajamas to arrive that I pray are going to fit, but all I could find was short-sleeve, plus I wish my hair was still blond, I'm not really going to look anything like Rachel. Still, wearing pajamas for Club Vivid will be easy.

I just miss my girl so much. I don't want to wash my sheets because all the fur where she slept will be gone. I don't want to put her little confiscated dog bed away (every foster dog that tried to reclaim the dog bed for the canine set was met with a swift paw to the snout). Putting away her food dish and her milk dish was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. And I can't explain to Blues what's wrong, and he's really upset most of the time.

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New fic: Dream of Caramel

Dream of Caramel: or, A Recipe for Disaster (17031 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Clint Barton
Characters: Clint Barton, James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Pepper Potts, Thor (Marvel), Tony Stark, Darcy Lewis
Additional Tags: Cooking, Longing, Big Eden (movie), Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, Food as a Metaphor for Love, Team Moron
Summary:

But none of that explains why right now Clint’s pants are literally on fire and Barnes is pitching an entire five-pound bag of pastry flour straight at Clint’s crotch with his metal arm.

Goodbye my sweet friend

My baby girl, Olive, died last night. It's all my fault, I was closing up the house because I'd had the doors open since the house was 97 degrees inside when I got home. She decided that if I was closing up, it was time to go walkabout, I guess, and something attacked her. I tried to get her back in all night, but when it's hot out, she would often stay out all night and show up like, what? in the morning after I'd spent a sleepless night worrying about her.

No need to lecture me about outdoor kitties. I lost the war with her a long time ago, and I've lived in fear of this day. She'd gotten so much better in her old age, content to lie under the grill in the shade on the back deck, or hang out in the window perch next to me while I worked.

She slept on my bed next to my head, and hated Blues kitty so much she tried to move in with a neighbor once. Every morning they slap-fought while I got their food ready. She loved milk more than anything in the world. She loved to play, even at her age, and chase fuzzy wooly balls around, and she talked to me all the time and loved to lick me, especially after I'd put lotion on.

She was my best bud, and I hate myself now for letting her go. I love her so much.

IMG_0037

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Because I didn't have enough on my plate with trying to finish this @#%$&$% story that is now at 16,000 words when it was supposed to just be stupid fluffy nonsense (writing is finished, but it needs a lot of editing), and work, and animals, and health things, and getting ready for Vividcon, now I have started a Natasha vid that I would like to finish and post before I leave for Chicago.

What is wrong with me? And it's not even the kind of song that people usually want for vids about her; it's quiet and melancholy. I'm an idiot. Kill me now and put me out of my misery.

Words can wait until another day

Okay, Orange Crush it was! Thanks for weighing in, my friends.

Geez, I went to a new dermatologist today about something that was starting to really scare me when coupled with the cough that wouldn't go away, and that turned out to be okay, but she removed two moles from my forehead for biopsy that look problematic. And they won't stop bleeding. And they hurt. It shouldn't hurt this much nor bleed so much, but I'm a bleeder. I'm going through bandages like crazy. Putting pressure on them doesn't seem to help. Tonight should be fun.

Also I have a cyst right over my spine and that's going to be fun having removed. At least I can wait till after Vividcon for that.

This story I'm writing has now ballooned to 13,000 words. It's supposed to be schmoopy fluff. What the hell?

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Follow me, don't follow me

So, I got a lovely request to send a vid in for Connexions con, and after talking with the person who asked, we figured I should send one of my MCU vids. And I can't decide--if you were me, which vid would you send:

Shelter - this has the advantage of being a teamy Cap family vid with bonus slash hints, and there really aren't, sadly, a lot of team vids for CA: Winter Soldier.

Orange Crush - I'm kind of most inclined to send this, because I think it might play well in a con audience and it's never really showed at a con (I used it as an example to talk about pacing in a panel last year at VVC, but that's the only time it's been "live"), and it's kinda actiony, but it's not necessarily a slash vid per se.

Sorrow - this is definitely very slashy, but it's also sad, everyone says, and makes people's hearts hurt. Not that there's anything wrong with that in a con, but it is definitely a factor.

Anyway, I need to make a decision soon, so if you have an opinion (especially if you've ever been to Connexions), I'd love to hear it.

Over in her journal, Dorinda was talking about finishing the audio book to The Martian, which I just finished in ebook form last week. I was SO PROUD of myself--it was the second fiction book in a row I'd finished that wasn't work, wasn't a friend's, that I read just for pleasure, something I haven't done since 2007-8 or so. I lost my ability to focus on books that weren't work, and since most of the fiction I read for work is terrible, it's made it even harder to read anything that isn't fic or something I HAVE TO. And she says a lot of things about how I felt about The Martian, and the problems I had with it, and I commented with my opinion. Apparently I have very strong opinions about it! 

And weirdly coincidentally, I was talking with belmanoir about it last night, and about how I'd just watched Apollo 13 again and it pointed up one of the issues I had with The Martian and the XKCD cartoon about it. In the cartoon, he has one of his figures saying that The Martian was basically the book for people who thought the whole of Apollo 13 should have been about the scientists and engineers in mission control. And I laughed, because yeah, I suppose it is, but also that's one of its biggest flaws for me, that it's just a wall of sciencey stuff and Andy Weir is not a good enough writer to do anything resembling characterization--which, I mean, that's not necessarily what he wanted to do when writing the book, but you do have to try to bring people along on your story. It's a cracking good story idea, no doubt. 

But what I really wanted to say is that one of the things that makes all that engineer science stuff so fucking exhilirating and engaging is that it's done by great actors and a good director. Take, for instance, the scene where they think they've found a solution to how to power things back up, and they might be able to bring the Apollo 13 crew home. Ken Mattingly (played by Gary Sinise) and John Aaron (Loren Dean) are arguing about the amps they're using and throwing around all this jargon, and it's just such an intense and wonderful scene because they think they've found it, they think they have a solution, but Aaron points out, "You're telling me what you need, and I'm telling you what we have!" and they have to go back to the drawing board, feeling hopeless and miserable. They're exhausted and frayed. And we feel that, just like we've felt the fear all the engineers have had since the explosion, every step of the way, or we've felt Gene Kranz's determination and anger because Ed Harris is so amazing. 

So I'm really excited about the movie version of The Martian in a way I couldn't be about the book. Because what made that stuff so indelible in Apollo 13 that I don't think the XKCD guy got (since he's a science nerd) wasn't the recitation of facts and numbers, it was these actors bringing alive the facts, the director creating CHARACTERS we feel for and want to see succeed. I think a skilled writer could do that on the page, but Weir isn't that writer, and while the folks who loved all that were happy with the book, it's not what I read for. Seeing the trailer, though, and the little preview movie where Matt Damon as Mark Watney is making a little introductory movie, I can see that a skilled director working with amazing fucking actors is going to take that unfleshed-out part of the story and turn it into something as engaging as Apollo 13 was. I've watched those previews now quite a few times, while I was reading the book, and I'm super psyched about the movie. SO PSYCHED. And not just because Sebastian Stan plays Chris Beck! 

Ridley Scott's been disappointing or enraging me a lot lately (do not start me on Prometheus or his comments about white actors in Exodus), but this is the kind of movie that's so totally in his wheelhouse, and I'm hopeful that he's going to bring out all the good ideas about the book and the characters that I don't think were always successful on the page. (Also, the version I read was I guess the original self-published version, and jesus was that one of the worst, messiest things I've ever looked at. I don't know how much polish the publisher who picked it up gave it, but I hope it was a lot.) I liked Mark Watney and I liked many of the other characters, but they were never fully human for me, and I think Ridley will make them so much more so. When you've got actors like Matt Damon and Chiwetel Ejiofor and Jessica Chastain and Sean Bean (and my sweeties, Sebastian and Donald Glover), you're ahead of the game right there. 

Wow, apparently I really do have strong feelings about this. ;-)

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New fic: Doubleheader

Some fic in celebration of Steve Rogers's birthday!

Doubleheader (3762 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers
Additional Tags: Birthday, Baseball, Fireworks, Steve Is Terrible at Double Entendres part two, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Grief/Mourning
Series: Part 2 of Baseball
Summary:

Bucky hooked his thumbs over Steve’s suspenders and slid them off his shoulders, pulled the tails of his shirt out of his trousers, as Steve watched him with heated eyes. “What are we at now,” Bucky asked, “second base, or third?”

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We're up all night till the sun

It is sooooo fucking hot and dry here, all month. This is the second year in a row we haven't had Juneuary--normally Seattle doesn't get summer till after Independence Day. Most of us don't have air conditioning here, and my house just doesn't cool down. I can't sleep. (Thanks, climate change.)

I try not to look at my AO3 dashboard very much, because it's just too fucking depressing to be confronted with that all the time. But when I was posting the last of the kissfics I noticed that in my list of fandoms at the top, which I don't think I've looked at in forever, Marvel Cinematic Universe and Captain America have overtaken Buffy and X-Files as my most-fanworked fandoms. I guess nothing makes a more emphatic statement about how much Captain America has taken over my life than that. (Thanks, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, for eating my brain and ruining my life.)

And I mean, I was never as prolific in other fandoms as many people I knew were (and most of my older vids aren't posted on AO3), but for me, that was a large output of fanworks, especially because I'd given up on my real life writing at some point before I found fandom (thanks, relationship with emotion-sucking partner). And then after sis_r died, even fan writing dried up for me, so outside of Yuletide, I didn't post anything fic-wise until an MCU Avengers little thing with Loki and Pepper hanging out together keeping vigil. I was never into the huge fandoms of the past fifteen years that most people I knew were. With the MCU/Avengers vids, that pushes the Marvel Cinematic Universe up ahead of Captain America, but I always feel like I should tag fic with MCU. Anyway, I still have story ideas, so I guess that number will keep climbing. More than 200,000 words so far, which kind of boggles my mind, considering how long it was in between the Loki & Pepper thing and the Pacific Rim stories, which is when I really got jump-started back into fanfic. (Thanks, Steve and Bucky and Sam and Natasha and Peggy and everyone else, for all those words.)

If only more than, like, ten people were actually interested in the writing. It's hard, sometimes, to feel motivated to keep putting them down. Easier to just leave them in my head.

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Last of the kissfics

Finally got the last of the kissing comment meme ficlets posted to AO3 and Tumblr. (Unless I do more prompts, which, the way writing's felt for me lately, might happen.)

Stripes and Solids (819 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Characters: Sam Wilson (Marvel), Steve Rogers
Additional Tags: Kissing, Pool & Billiards, Steve Is Terrible at Double Entendres

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Vid beta?

Would anyone be willing to look at a vid for me, very quickly (I need to get this to VVC as soon as I can and not drag my extension out)? It's for Peggy Carter (Agent Carter, the Marvel one-shot, and Captain America: The First Avenger). You don't have to be super vid fluent, I'm just mostly looking for reactions, whether there's anything jarring or that doesn't work, any issues that might come up. I have a doctor appt. in an hour, but when I get back home this afternoon I can make a copy of the draft and upload it to sendspace by this evening.

ETA: Thanks, I have sufficient responses! You guys are awesome!

New fic: In the Stardust of a Song

In the Stardust of a Song (9837 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov, Peggy Carter, Brock Rumlow, Original Character, Alexander Pierce
Additional Tags: Music, Triggered Memories, Missing Scene, During Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Summary:

The shudder courses through you again, there’s a vicious throb like that first touch of the ice on your skin. You don’t know this song. You don’t know any music at all.




Apologies in advance to those who hate second person. I'm awful, I know.

More kissfic

One more down on AO3, one more still to go (assuming I don't fill more prompts).

A Bedtime Story (688 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Characters: Sam Wilson (Marvel), Steve Rogers
Additional Tags: Bedtime Stories, Kissing, Steve Really Is Kind of a Dick, Comment Fic
Summary:

"A bedtime story?" Sam asked, incredulous. "Are you kidding me?"

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The memory of love's refrain

When I'm miserable, I seem to meme. Seen pretty much everywhere: Pull seven lines from the seventh page of your WIP I don't generally tag other people but if you want to tag yourself to do it, please do!


One of the scientists once told you that you’re a robot--only a robot would have such an arm, such strength, such focus, so you agreed. It made sense at the time.

And yet, and yet. You bleed red when you’re wounded, just like your targets. You feel pain when they perform maintenance. You shave, wash, eat, clean your teeth. You remember the apple-flavored kisses of a boy with soft blond hair.


One of at this point four fucking WIPs I've got going. I hate everything. And yeah, second person, I suck, I know.

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I hate myself (and I hate Apple more)

Welp, my computer is basically fucked (at least it's still on warranty). They have to replace the video card, but they may not be able to save the data on the hard drive either, much of which hasn’t been backed up. A lot’s on dropbox, but a lot isn’t, including all the saved email recently (I know, I know, but the thing is, I don’t understand how to create a backup system for all this stuff that's ginormous like the vids, and it gives me anxiety attacks, so I keep avoiding it. Learn from my mistakes, kids!) and the downloads folder where I've let some things stay I should have moved a while ago. I don’t know what I’m going to do about Vividcon vids. The day only got worse from there, including tearing my hands to pieces trying to open a Pepsi bottle on the way home from the Apple store--if I'm having a bad day and going to be stuck in traffic, I want to drink my fucking pop, you know? Thank god for SebStan’s selfie today, it was the one shining light.

Tell me something good?

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Fandom is a stupid goddamn hobby

My fucking iMac screen has totally died, right when I have to finalize my auction vid (which my owner, killabeez, totally loved yay!) and make my premieres vid. I’d had trouble last week but thought I’d fixed it, only now it’s completely fried and I have to drag this behemoth up to the Apple store tomorrow. The past hour has been a comedy of errors with me trying to update older programs on my ancient computer and them refusing to update.

I was already feeling crappy enough. I haven’t been able to write at all outside of commentfic, and finally felt like I was making some progress on a completely different fic today (I now have four [WTF?] partially written stories because I can’t fucking write) and was in the right frame of mind for the emotionality of this story and able to churn out over 2,000 words today. So much for eking more out this week.

I don’t know who I want to kill more right now, Apple or myself. Now I have no idea if I will be able to meet the premieres deadline.

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AO3 postings of kissfic

I finally have a couple of the kissfics up on AO3 if that's where you're more inclined to read. I tidied them up a bit and added a few things here and there. First is the Bucky and Peggy one:

That Only You Would Know (933 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Peggy Carter
Characters: Peggy Carter, James "Bucky" Barnes
Additional Tags: Platonic Kissing, Tests, Bonding, implied Steve/Bucky
Summary:

Let's make a test of our own, shall we?



And then yesterday I posted this Steve/Bucky one and holy crap. I got more kudos and notes on Tumblr in 8 hours than I get on most of my stuff for its lifetime. It's kinda depressing--these things you slave and sweat over, that you craft for weeks and weeks, disappear into a void, even when you think they're the best things you've written, but commentfic gets…that. I don't even know how fandom works anymore. (I mean, I get it, when you can post a fic to Tumblr it's easier for people, but that generally has not been the case for me. This stupid thing I wrote for Sam/Steve last year suddenly got picked up by someone popular a couple weeks ago, and next thing I know I had more notes on that than I've ever had for anything. Destina's right: Tumblr is a naked singularity.) So yeah, there's this:

Your 21st-Century Boy (1765 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Clint Barton, Tony Stark
Additional Tags: Gender Roles, Bucky Barnes Isn't Having Any of Your Gendered Marketing Bullshit, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the Fabulous Soldier, Kissing
Summary:

Clint had peered at him out of one eye and said, "You know pink's a girl's color."

"Not in my day, bub," Bucky said, sliding the tube of the grenade launcher up, chambering the shell, and racking it back down as he stared coolly at Clint. "You know who started that pink is feminine shit? Hitler."



I suppose it's too late now to add a note about the title--it's a play on T Rex's "20th Century Boy," and anyone who's old enough knows Marc Bolan was one of the original gender-bender glam rock artists. Here's a clip of him performing it in all his glory.

More kissfic!

Aaaaand today I wrote Bucky/Peggy - test here.

So this leads me to a question, having never written commentfic before--what do people do with them? Just leave them there, post to their tumblrs, post them to AO3? And if you do post to AO3, do you treat each one individually, or do you lump them together into one work?

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Kissing commentfic!

[personal profile] such_heights is having an MCU kissing commentfest at her page, where lots of lovely people have left prompts for kissage and lots of people are filling them. I wrote three commentfics so far, one for Steve/Bucky and two for Steve/Sam, and I hope I might be able to do a couple more. One of them's kind of hidden since it was the second fill for the prompt. I guess they're not great, but I have been having a lot of trouble writing lately, with two stories I can't seem to make much headway on. I don't know if it's just that Things We Lost in the War did me in, or the surprise!job I got in right afterward, or general depression/worthlessness, or even just the pressure of all the stuff I have to do, but I can't seem to write. So this couldn't have come at a better time.

Steve/Bucky and baseball is here, and Steve/Sam + pool table is here, while Steve/Sam + bedtime story is here. There are some delicious prompts there that I'm thinking about. If you can't fill them with a fanwork of some type, leave a prompt or make a comment on someone's fill!

The only other writing I've been able to do was to talk about why I don't think it's that unreasonable to be sad about the ever-inflating clown car of a cast list for Cap 3 over at my tumblr. I haven't said anything here about Ultron for various reasons. Mostly my fannishness is/was squarely focused on Captain America.

Out of the past

July 2015
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