AO3 postings of kissfic

I finally have a couple of the kissfics up on AO3 if that's where you're more inclined to read. I tidied them up a bit and added a few things here and there. First is the Bucky and Peggy one:

That Only You Would Know (933 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Peggy Carter
Characters: Peggy Carter, James "Bucky" Barnes
Additional Tags: Platonic Kissing, Tests, Bonding, implied Steve/Bucky

Let's make a test of our own, shall we?

And then yesterday I posted this Steve/Bucky one and holy crap. I got more kudos and notes on Tumblr in 8 hours than I get on most of my stuff for its lifetime. It's kinda depressing--these things you slave and sweat over, that you craft for weeks and weeks, disappear into a void, even when you think they're the best things you've written, but commentfic gets…that. I don't even know how fandom works anymore. (I mean, I get it, when you can post a fic to Tumblr it's easier for people, but that generally has not been the case for me. This stupid thing I wrote for Sam/Steve last year suddenly got picked up by someone popular a couple weeks ago, and next thing I know I had more notes on that than I've ever had for anything. Destina's right: Tumblr is a naked singularity.) So yeah, there's this:

Your 21st-Century Boy (1765 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Clint Barton, Tony Stark
Additional Tags: Gender Roles, Bucky Barnes Isn't Having Any of Your Gendered Marketing Bullshit, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the Fabulous Soldier, Kissing

Clint had peered at him out of one eye and said, "You know pink's a girl's color."

"Not in my day, bub," Bucky said, sliding the tube of the grenade launcher up, chambering the shell, and racking it back down as he stared coolly at Clint. "You know who started that pink is feminine shit? Hitler."

I suppose it's too late now to add a note about the title--it's a play on T Rex's "20th Century Boy," and anyone who's old enough knows Marc Bolan was one of the original gender-bender glam rock artists. Here's a clip of him performing it in all his glory.

More kissfic!

Aaaaand today I wrote Bucky/Peggy - test here.

So this leads me to a question, having never written commentfic before--what do people do with them? Just leave them there, post to their tumblrs, post them to AO3? And if you do post to AO3, do you treat each one individually, or do you lump them together into one work?

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Kissing commentfic!

[personal profile] such_heights is having an MCU kissing commentfest at her page, where lots of lovely people have left prompts for kissage and lots of people are filling them. I wrote three commentfics so far, one for Steve/Bucky and two for Steve/Sam, and I hope I might be able to do a couple more. One of them's kind of hidden since it was the second fill for the prompt. I guess they're not great, but I have been having a lot of trouble writing lately, with two stories I can't seem to make much headway on. I don't know if it's just that Things We Lost in the War did me in, or the surprise!job I got in right afterward, or general depression/worthlessness, or even just the pressure of all the stuff I have to do, but I can't seem to write. So this couldn't have come at a better time.

Steve/Bucky and baseball is here, and Steve/Sam + pool table is here, while Steve/Sam + bedtime story is here. There are some delicious prompts there that I'm thinking about. If you can't fill them with a fanwork of some type, leave a prompt or make a comment on someone's fill!

The only other writing I've been able to do was to talk about why I don't think it's that unreasonable to be sad about the ever-inflating clown car of a cast list for Cap 3 over at my tumblr. I haven't said anything here about Ultron for various reasons. Mostly my fannishness is/was squarely focused on Captain America.

DVD commentary meme 4

The second of two for [personal profile] ranalore, about Things We Lost in the War:

I guess for that one I'd love more meta than commentary, really. I'd love to hear what inspired you to write the story, which is one I kind of really, really wanted and never expected because I always want poetry+my OTC fic in all my fandoms and sometimes it fits better than others and in this case I thought it might actually fit but I wasn't sure anybody else saw it that way and so I resigned myself to likely never getting it.

You know, I was trying to remember what started me down this path but I can't for the life of me remember, I started writing it so long ago. A lot of times an idea will just spring fully formed into my mind, and I think at some point the idea of Bucky not being ready to have contact face to face with Steve was there (honestly, it probably came out of writing Dark Approach, I believe), but that he could write, would want to write. We forget these days how important letters were to people back then, how difficult and expensive even phone calls were, and I had been reading some letters from the front of the European theatre during the war as well as my dad's letters home. My dad, genius though he was in the sciences, couldn't string a coherent sentence together half the time in print, but his letters from the war were still really amazing and full of such vivid detail it almost didn't seem like the dad I knew--and I think that's one of the things that wormed its way into Bucky's story, that people can have these different layers to them that come out in different ways depending on the type of communication.

Letters pull forth a different type of thinking, there's, I guess, to process your thoughts, and an intimacy of thought when you're sharing communication with someone. They give you time to sink into your feelings, and you're safe, in a way, to respond to the prompts of someone else's letter to you, there's no one there to talk over you or have a body-language reaction that might overcome what you want to say.

And I know a lot about dead drops, but when I was in Washington DC last October, I went to the Spy Museum, where they had the post box that was used as a dead drop in the famous FBI spy case, and I found where Steve's apartment was, because I'd been thinking about this story and planning the letters and how they'd get delivered. It was a super inspirational fannish trip, and that put a lot of thoughts in my head about how the story itself would develop, how things would proceed and what they'd do along the way--sort of the blocking, as it were.

I've never been the biggest poetry fan, to be honest, but the poets and poems I like, I really really like. Rilke's one of them, and it helped that he was of an era where Bucky could have read his stuff and he would have had that presence and be well known enough. Thinking about Steve being a painter was what inspired me to want to have literary!Bucky--that Bucky could have a gift too that was beyond just being a soldier and a weapon, beyond the typical fanfic tropes of working at the docks or something like that. I've been writing since I was five, and it's just always been this thing in my life, even when I wasn't doing it, so I really liked thinking about Bucky having something like that in his life. That he could have had such a rich interior life.

But of course, that would be something that would come out in his letters home once he was in combat, and in writing to Steve because he didn't know how else to deal with his pain. Some of the WWII letters I've read over the years were just so amazing, so tragic and hopeless and yet beautiful, and I wanted some of that for Bucky, so that Steve could see the parts of Bucky he never did back then. And then they could move forward.

To be honest, I didn't expect people to embrace this aspect. I thought everyone would laugh at it, that the idea of Bucky loving poetry and literature would just be...stupid. Because of circumstances, I wasn't able to get it beta'd as I'd hoped, and that was my biggest fear, posting it without having anyone to tell me that it was a ridiculous idea and a poorly done story. And I still wonder if some people I know think it's a ridiculous idea; I haven't ever been that nervous posting something. But the people who've liked literary!Bucky seem to really like it, so I'm breathing a bit easier now.

I think it's really easy to see guys raised during the Depression, in poverty, in tough old Brooklyn, as only being rough and tumble. With Steve, we have his canon as an artist, but the most we have about Bucky is the tough teen sidekick that Brubaker created and gave more of a background and maturity to. I just didn't think being tough and having that background cancels out an appreciation for art, or a capability. Bucky contains multitudes, you know? I just really wanted to give him that chance at an artistic voice, too, while writing a war story and a recovery story and a love story.

DVD Commentary track meme 3

Today is the first of two for [personal profile] ranalore, this one for Dark Approach : The hospital scene after Bucky comes in, which kills me every time I read it.

So, I wasn't sure if you meant the entire hospital scene or just the stuff with Steve and Bucky, but I'll talk about the entire thing just in case. I knew from the start, even though the process of writing such a long fic took me in different directions many times over the course of the months I worked on it, that I wanted to have a scene where Bucky is being sniper boyfriend keeping tabs on Steve and saving his life from a distance, and I had the whole scene with Thor coming in and thinking Bucky's a threat to Steve and hitting him with lightning and they would fall together, already mapped out. And that that would be the final catalyst to get Bucky back to Steve--even if he's not emotionally there, he's physically there.

And I really wanted Steve to just completely fall to pieces over it, and have his friends be the ones to shore him up--I think that's what's often missing in a lot of what I read, that Steve needs people helping him with his shit just as much as Bucky does. Seeing Bucky there really does him in, he's both happier than he's ever been and maybe more miserable than he's ever been, because all his guilt and sense of failure is hitting him hard, seeing Bucky like that. And even though Bucky chose to come back to Steve for help, that wasn't exactly how he wanted to make himself known and hospitals + Bucky are a really bad combo, so he's panicked, needs to escape. Which I think would make Steve just feel all the worse about everything, even though he knows why Bucky came in. It's a bit over halfway through the story, so things have to change at that point, and even though Bucky's kind of fighting it, he knows that the tough love Steve's giving him is right.

And of course, everyone else is worried--about Steve, about Bucky being a danger to him, and so on--but they see how things are with Steve and they know they need to help him, whatever their feelings about the Winter Soldier are. I think Steve is often portrayed as oblivious to what would help Bucky get better, like he's incapable of getting it, and I wanted him to be not oblivious, but helpless, because he has so much guilt and an overwhelming sense of responsibility for what happened to Bucky that he doesn't know what steps to take and he's feeling his way there. In the hospital, they are both suddenly helpless--Bucky because he's been in cardiac arrest and pretty much dead for a few minutes on top of the terrible withdrawal from the drugs Hydra had him on, and Steve because he can't dig himself out from under the mountain of guilt he's buried in. They are both injured there, in different ways.

And I really wanted to have Sam and Tony see that, and understand that, and try to figure out how they can help, even though they both feel pretty inadequate there too. I really wanted that section afterward to be from Sam's point of view, because he's seeing the shift in Steve and Bucky's relationship there, and he gets it more than pretty much anyone else could.

DVD Commentary track meme 2

For today's DVD commentary, [personal profile] avidrosette asked for a scene from Ciudad de Estrellas (fandom: The Fast and the Furious): The scene starts in the middle of the story, on page 110 of my download, with the line "Tanner studied Toretto as they were explaining the wire to him, taking note of what he paid attention to, what he brushed off." This is the scene that takes place in the surveillance van, where Tanner and the other cops are interacting with Dom as someone on their side for the first time. It starts in Tanner's mature, insightful, somewhat distrustful pov, as he observes Dom and Brian&Dom, and continues in Dom's pov. It's a wonderful moment of character revelation - a turning point at the dead center of the fic - and I found it really satisfying and memorable even at this remove.

It's been so long since I've looked at this story that I had to go back and read all the stuff leading up to and after this! But I do kind of remember writing it now. One of the things that was going on there was that I didn't see Tanner very much in F&F fic, or if I did, he was usually an antagonist for Brian and Dom or the generic grumpy boss cop we see all the time, and in Ciudad I really wanted him to be a part of the story, to get beyond him as Brian's beleaguered boss. Since he's helping them on this little escapade, at some point he'd be confronted with the relationship between Brian and Dom and have to figure out whether to shut things down or continue, knowing that they'd be compromised--so of course it was easier for him to just ignore it and continue with the operation.

I love Tanner's sarcasm and his world-weariness, but he's also a pretty insightful guy, as we saw in the movie when he's talking to Brian out by the pool. And so he's kind of acknowledging in that scene that Brian's compromised, Brian has that "you can't keep a beautiful wild thing in a cage" (which was one of my favorite lines to write in that whole story) problem going on, but he's starting to also understand Dom in a way he hadn't before. He's getting that Dom is a lot more complicated than he'd just assumed, and seeing the way prison has shaped him, and so that cop's disdain for the thug criminal is being filed down in the surveillance van. And in the POV switch, Dom can kind of see that, too, except he doesn't know that he wants to admit it. It's hard for him to admit that a cop can be a good guy, despite his feelings for Brian, but he has to confront it there, possibly because his adrenaline is up from being startled by Muse.

I felt like they HAD to change, both of them, for the story to go forward. As fun as writing them as antagonists is, it doesn't do much to propel the story if no one changes or has their preconceived notions altered, and since the story is plot-centric, they needed to see things in each other (maybe the things Brian saw in both of them) so that when the big crisis came, they could handle it together in a way that would make sense. I don't think Dom could really fit back into the world of that story if he didn't start at least in some small way to see Tanner differently, and I don't know that Tanner could really be the mentor to Brian that Brian wanted him to be without being able to look at Dom with different eyes.

I hope that makes sense! I don't know if it does, but it was awfully fun to think about again after all this time, thank you for asking!

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DVD Commentary track meme 1

[personal profile] kore asked for Man With a Plan, beginning and ending, for a commentary.

I have commiserated with people (especially [personal profile] musesfool) a lot about how there isn't any substantial amount of porn based off the scene in the first Captain America movie where Bucky says, "But you're keeping the outfit, right?" And I hate having to write the kinds of things I want to read, because there's no fun in it for me, it's just work. But I had to write it because it wouldn't leave me alone, only there were two problems: 1) I have never written a story that's solely porn before and 2) I seem to be constitutionally incapable of writing just porn. And also, for the beginning, if I wanted to set it in the London pub where Bucky says that, I had to deal with the fact that Peggy comes in right after that. I just didn't think it would work to start the fic with Bucky's line, and then skip past Peggy's presence and importance to Steve and they go back to their quarters and fuck like bunnies.

I'm also kind of weirdly not particularly threesome oriented--I enjoy read threesomes sometimes, especially with the Cap characters in various trios, but it's not something I'm super attracted to in general and not something I feel compelled to write (not that I couldn't, it's just…not something I think is on my horizons). So the beginning had to be about Bucky and Steve dealing with the fact that their relationship has changed for all the obvious reasons, and Steve reassuring Bucky that it hasn't changed that much yet, because he does have a plan for when they get back to their quarters. I really liked being able to play with that--how they've changed, how they are going to have to renegotiate their boundaries and abilities and the complications of their feelings, but they're still really into each other as friends and as lovers. And Steve knows that some of this is Bucky teasing the crap out of him and trying to embarrass him, but he's perfectly capable of giving it all right back to Bucky and calling him on his bluff.

So yeah, oops, I couldn't just go straight into the porn and got some plot on my PWP, and then there's the buildup of Bucky kind of inserting himself into Steve's story as the Star-Spangled Man, since he wasn't there, and hearing about it/visualizing Steve (and himself) in it while getting Steve worked into a lather.

Which ties into the ending. I wanted to do a modern-day post-Winter Soldier tag from the start, I wanted to show Steve trying to get Bucky back to that teasing, wise-ass kind of guy, to remind him of what they used to be like with each other. That Bucky could be playful and it would be okay, and Steve would remember how much fun sex with the outfit was and want to re-create that. Who better, then, than Natasha to go to for your kink advice needs? Of course she would know where to get the period-authentic costume made, Steve would be certain of it, and of course she would be helpful rather than snickery about your relationship kinks. And Steve would be very happy because he has his Bucky back, and he'll get his costume back, and he still has a plan.

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DVD commentary meme

Trying to get into the headspace to work on the next Cap fic, but feeling really crappy about writing. So, of course, a meme!

Pick a scene from one of my fics, and I’ll do a DVD commentary about it. (And if there’s anything specific you want to know, I’ll do my best!)

Get me jump-started?

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A million years ago, someone translated one of my Professionals stories into Japanese, but that's been lost to time, I think, so I was thrilled when polarbonnie asked if she could translate the third part of my Dark Approach series into Chinese. She posted it this week and it was so exciting! 破冰者(Translation of Icebreaker) is here if you can read it--I can't, but that doesn't stop me from being absolutely tickled. I know most of you are probably like whut why are you excited, and get translated all the time or podficced or whatever, but this is new for me. :-D

Speaking of new for me…the story I posted on Monday…wow. I wasn't expecting people to like it. At all. That was a surprise. O.o

And I'm stuck on a deadline that I'm freaking about not meeting on Monday (still tons of chapters to go, gah), and I got a new foster dog on Thursday which means a lot of time out of my schedule to acclimate her and figure out her quirks and needs. She's kind of a mess physically, but sweet beyond belief and her coat is so soft and fluffy, which I've never seen before in a chihuahua, even a long-haired one. I think she's part pom or papillon. And she can dance! So cute.

So once I'm done with book, I would really love to watch Miss Fisher Murder Mysteries--but I don't have Netflix streaming and am not going to add that since I already pay too much for TV I don't watch. Anyone know of a source for all the episodes, so I can ramp up before S3? (Links at the vault have been really bad for me lately.)

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New fic: Things We Lost in the War

Things We Lost in the War (31645 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Natasha Romanov, Rebecca Barnes, Peggy Carter, Sarah Rogers
Additional Tags: Epistolary, Dead Drop, Letters, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Poetry, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Steve Has Issues, World War II, Ephemera - Freeform, Guilt, Memories

Tell me what is really true. Tell me if I belong to you the way I think I do, if these are not just lies someone put inside me to warp my mind. Tell me this pounding in my chest is what I feel for you and not fear.

This thing has been kicking my ass since last fall. In the time I've worked on it, I've written six other stories. Maybe that was a sign I should give up, but I promised minim_calibre.

Old and new fandoms weekend extravaganza!

So, a year ago a little movie came out and totally changed my life. I had been slowly getting back into the feeling fannish again thing with Pacific Rim, writing fic for the first time beyond Yuletide (well, I wrote one Pepper and Loki hanging out keeping vigil with a girls' night story after Avengers), but I had no idea the tsunami of fannishness that would sweep me away with Winter Soldier.

I should have guessed. I mean. I loved the comics, I love Sebastian Stan as Bucky Barnes more than I can coherently render (SebStan's been ruining my life for years, OMG his mouth, his eyes, his voice, his everything), and I had fallen in love with Steve Rogers somewhere along the line totally against my will, but such is the power of Steve and Chris Evans. My adoration of Natasha Romanov is boundless, and Scarlett, and so they are two great tastes that taste great together and she fucking owned that movie. And then there was the casting of Anthony Mackie as Sam Wilson--when they announced it, I might have squealed to a level only dogs can hear. I'm not admitting to anything. Because I adore Sam in the comics and I adore Anthony Mackie and it was kismet, I'm telling you. Kismet.

But then. It was a '70s political thriller. Maria was in it! Sam Jackson got to be a major badass! Robert Redford was eeeeviiiillll. Frank Grillo! And Peggy fucking Carter still being awesome just lying in a bed, calling Steve on his issues. That flashback. To the end of the line. I just. I still cannot. I love this movie more than I can even say. I saw it 23 times in the theatre alone, and that doesn't count all the watchings in between of crappy cam copies until the DVD came out. I watch it at home all the time. It still hits me just as hard as it did then. I read fanfic at night before I go to bed--I hadn't read fanfic much at all for the past decade outside of Yuletide. I write. So many words, and I still have ideas to chase. I vid. It just hasn't slowed for me at all, though I'm sure at some point it will, and then I will be sad. I see people moving away from it already, and I get sad, because I'm just as head over heels as I was back then.

And speaking of fandoms, one of my old loves, Fast and Furious, came out yesterday. I'm sure I'll go see it, but I have a lot of pain, with Paul Walker being gone. I know it's gonna be hard. It'll be easier because the last two movies weren't quite as important to me as the first and the fourth, but I did enjoy a lot of the fifth one (caper!). So spoil me, if you've seen it. I know I can't go until I know what to expect.

Help a vidder out?

I've been compiling sources for a multifandom vid for Club Vivid, and for some reason I can't figure out, two episodes of Agent Carter refuse to convert for me and I can't get a usable copy that will work in Final Cut. I can convert every other episode I got from iTunes using Tune4Mac, but neither of these will work in a format that I can then convert for use in FC using MPEGStreamclip. Every single other episode works okay. I'm literally in tears, I'm so frustrated.

Would anyone have hi-res files, MP4 or .mov, of the episodes The Iron Ceiling and A Sin to Err? (That's episodes 5 and 6) WIthout any kind of logo? I really can't make this vid without at least Iron Ceiling, and all my source is hi-def so I hate to use a crappy .avi, even if I could find one. ETA: Thanks for the offers! I think I might have some coming from therienne that should work, but if not I'll be back!

Or if you know how to convert the files I could get using the latest version of Tune4Mac into something FCP will actually recognize, I'm listening! This has been the most frustrating experience. (And yes, I've tried re-downloading the episodes on iTunes, I've tried reboots, I've tried everything I can think of--nothing works.)

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Like the ceiling can't hold us

On Saturday I had a tea party with some friends, where I get to break out the Red Wing Pepe midcentury dishware pattern I started collecting a few years ago and my cool midcentury modern stuff and make tea and eat stuff I shouldn't. It's the only time you'll likely be at a tea party where you also get to talk about blood and guts and gore and sexual shenanigans while eating scones and drinking orange blossom oolong. Seriously, we were talking about this fanart I love where Steve gets deserumed and Hydra carves their logo on his chest and he's given to the Winter Soldier and then we were all laughing hysterically because yeah, that's not your typical tea party conversation. I love fans.

Anyway, I was lamenting my worries about the Vividcon auction, like ya do when you know people are going to spend money on you and you worry about whether you can do what they want, and without my realizing it for a while [personal profile] minim_calibre started bidding on me, and [personal profile] killabeez was plotting as well. After everyone had left--such a lovely time! Thank you all again for coming!--I went across the alley to see my old next door neighbor, who was visiting my other neighbor, and chatted and caught up, and then I came back home and the auction had ended. There was an email from Killa saying VICTORY IS MINE! and I knew, from being in a bidding cabal with her before, that she'd had trouble in past auctions getting the vidders she wanted, so she was very happy to make me her vidding slave.

So now I am owned by Killa and we're talking songs and fandoms and I am so excite! You always worry that you might not be sympatico with whoever buys you, just like there's always that tension before you get your fandom assignment for Festivids. It's great to be able to do a vid for someone you love. I've been so lucky in my vidding gift/auction vid assignments--for three years running in Festivids I've been assigned someone I like, and in the first VVC auction I got bought by kadymae/devilc, so I cannot complain about this. This is gonna be FUN.

OTOH I'm tortured by what I want to make for premieres, and I have a book coming in in a couple days with a ridic deadline and I really want to finish this goddam Steve/Bucky fic that's been torturing me for MONTHS now and makes me want to spork my eyes out and claw my face off. It's not worth the effort, I know it's not, and yet here I struggle.

The one bad thing about Saturday was that I found out Vimeo has removed all of my vids without any warning. It says I have zero vids, and I can't seem to log in even after requesting my password and stuff. I knew they were banhammering new vids, but I didn't think they were just flat-out deleting older ones, and I'm kind of sick about it. I just don't have the time or inclination to put those up on my YouTube channel but people don't seem to want to DL vids just to view them these days. Ugh. I hate it. Especially because one of them was the Flashpoint vid that Hugh Dillon tweeted about a couple years ago, and now it's just gone. Fuck you, Vimeo. God, I hate YouTube but that's really the only option now.

Buy me!

On the off chance someone is in the market for having a vid custom-made and wants to support a good cause, you can buy me in the Vividcon Auction this year.

I’m in a batch of really good vidders who are offering their services to make a vid for you—bid early, bid often! In fact, there are so many good vidders this year that I’ll bet you can buy me for peanuts. Act now! Supplies could be running out!

My details are on the Vividcon Auction page for Gwyneth and list many of the fandoms I’m available to vid for, but there are a ton more that I didn’t include because the list was already long enough. Feel free to drop me a comment if you’d like to know about a fandom I didn’t include, or e me at gwynethr at gmail.

If you’re worried you don’t have enough money to bid, you can organize a bidding cabal of like-minded fans and pool your resources (I’ve done that before and it’s really fun!).

The auction ends at 11:59 p.m. EST in the U.S. on March 21 (that’s next Saturday). Is there a vid you’ve longed for? I might be your girl (whispers "don't you really want that Captain America vid you've been dreaming of?"). What are you waiting for? Make me do your vidding bidding.

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New fic: Opportunities in Freelance

I was just getting back from Escapade, trying to post my vid, and also kind of wallowing in the whole anniversary of my sister's death thing when the posting fic for Bucky's birthday March 10 happened. So this is a very belated happy birthday, Bucky story.

Opportunities in Freelance (2548 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers
Additional Tags: maple syrup, Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve, Freelance Opportunities, Fluff

The thing was, no matter how hard Bucky tried, he simply could not predict what would happen in this crazy new life.

Take this morning, for instance.

New vid: Sorrow - Steve/Bucky

My premiering vid from Escapade:

Artist: The National
Fandom: Captain America movies
I don't wanna get over you.

A HQ download available at my vids site here.
On AO3 with lyrics and on Tumblr. Reblogs and shares are always welcome!

I've wanted to make this pretty much since the movie came out but I've been beating my head against a brick wall trying to make a different vid that won't come together. Pretty soon I think people will pay me to stop making Captain America vids, I have so many song ideas. But in the meantime, there's this.

I should note that some spots of the vid are significantly different than the one I showed at the con and that is on the DVD. I wasn't happy with that version and made some changes later--sorry for the inconvenience.

ETA a couple things: I really regret saying anything about the person calling it cheesy and poorly edited--I just thought that was hilarious in a snickery sort of way, and I didn't mean for everyone to feel bad for me, so I'm sorry about that. Honestly I was just poking fun at it as much as anything. And 2, someone informed me that trelkez made a Cap 1 vid to Sorrow a few years back. I didn't know this, and this developed entirely independently of that.

Sunny San Diego

I'm sitting out on the balcony of our amazing ocean-front hotel room, watching the surfers and the people walking along Ocean Blvd. beach walk and enjoying the weather, waiting for Tina to wake up again. She went off before dawn to do sunrise photography, a perfect complement to the sunset photography she did on the roof terrace last night. It was stunning, some small band of clouds suddenly making an appearance just as the sun went below the horizon so that we got crepuscular rays. Toward the actual sunset a number of people joined us on the terrace and everyone was asking her about her professional equipment.

I bought a fancy cocktail in the bar and brought it up to lie back on the chaise and drink while waiting for sunset, and of course spilled it right away. That was really the only major downside of the day--even with a last minute gate change to the far satellite terminal at the airport, it wasn't as crappy traveling as usual, and I even had a middle seat free next to me, which is unheard of on Alaska flights--the guy in the window seat and I were looking at each other like "dare we hope?" as they closed the doors. Made the trip a lot better.

Lindbergh airport is nearly exactly the same as the last time I left it--ten years ago. I was surprised how little it had changed. It looks like they're making some cosmetic changes to the terminal Alaska flies into, but otherwise it's largely the same. And as we were driving around yesterday, I realized there were still so many businesses and buildings that haven't changed in a decade, either.

Oooo! An armada of pelicans just flew right in front of my face!

Anyway. That makes me feel probably even sadder than I was coming down. But it's so beautiful right now that it helps mitigate some of the sadness--today it's going to be 71 F and we're hoping to head over to Coronado. We went to the Cat Cafe we'd read about on Cute Overload yesterday, which was nice, and stopped for food nearby. Downtown/Gaslamp district has changed the most. It used to be just business and the Horton Place mall, and now it's absolutely filled with condos and apartment buildings and everything's bustling. At one point I was just standing there blinking, realizing I didn't know ANYthing of where I was, that I couldn't identify a single thing. And felt incredibly old, too.

But this is the first time I felt like I really understood why my sister loved living here. I had always had the dream that eventually I'd move down here with her and we'd live in a house and complain about the kids these days and have a million cats. Maybe I'll still move down here (hah, like I could afford it), and yell at clouds in her memory or something. But it's so gorgeous, and still a small city in spite of everything, a beach community still in so many ways. Pacific Beach was always my favorite, and the hotel is fantastic, really chic and lovely but still has that feel like it belongs to a beach community. I could get used to the terrible water if it came with sunshine and the occasional marine layer cool day, just the things sis_r liked best.

We went to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner last night, where I'd gone with sis_r years ago before it became a big chain. Got too much to eat, but it was strange, going there and then walking by the bar where we'd played pool. I don't know that there's a part of town I don't have a memory of her, and maybe that's the thing, I need to come here more often and make new ones.

God, I don't want to leave and go up to that putrid hotel in the putrid airport district of LA. :::cries forever:::

mmmm hunky surfers in half-off wetstuits walking by...

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Off to Southern California

I'm leaving with [personal profile] black_bird_777 for San Diego on Wednesday, and we're down there till Friday, when we head up to LA for Escapade. I positively loathed the hotel last year, so I wanted to minimize my time there, which means I'll miss a fair amount of Friday but I kind of don't have a lot I'm excited about anyway, so it's mostly seeing people.

I'm bringing my laptop with me so I can write, though I'm having a lot of trouble overcoming both the difficulty I'm having with this story I had to stop in the middle of for Yuletide and overcoming the worthless, hopeless feeling of why bother writing, or creating anything, really. I thought about setting everything up for my premiering vid so I could just make it live after the show, but then I just thought what difference does it make if it's Sunday or Tuesday, it's not like anyone would give a shit. So it gives me a little more time to tweak it; I wasn't completely happy with the vid I submitted to the con so I'm messing a little bit with clips still (and still not happy).

I have also been really battling the depression that comes at this time of year for me--because the con is later this year, it comes at exactly the time sis_r was dying, and I had thought I was emotionally ready to go back to San Diego, but I had forgotten that it was the ten-year anniversary of her death this month. It seems like just yesterday to me, it's every bit as acute and my dreams and flashbacks are every bit as horrible as they were then. I can't really believe that it's been ten years since I lost her, and I still have no more idea how to live as a solo twin now as I did then. So I planned badly--being back in San Diego was maybe not a great idea, or who knows, maybe it will be cathartic. It's hard to imagine right now.

We're staying at a hotel right on Pacific Beach, which was a place I spent a lot of time with sis_r at. In fact the only time black_bird's been there was when she and I went down to have dinner on Pacific Beach with my sister. But that means there will be surfers and puppies and hot men and women wandering around, and that's yay.

Anyway, I do have a panel on Saturday at 11 a.m., and if you're into Captain America, you should come. I have no idea yet what I want to talk about, but I figure if all it is is me going, Let me tell you about my FEELS for Bucky Barnes to maybe one or two people and we just weep crystalline tears, that's okay. This is the panel description:

Let’s talk about the biggest fandom of 2014 and the riches it gave us--the epic and tragic nearly century-long love between Steve and Bucky, the introduction of Sam into Steve’s life, Steve’s developing relationship with Natasha, or anything else we love about Cap2 (and Cap1, of course!).

Please come talk with me so I don't sit there like a sad little robot.

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After doing that three random lines from three WIPs meme a while ago, I realized I needed to finish the Pacific Rim series that I'd left off over a year ago. Not that anyone cared that I'd left off of it, but I still wanted to finish it for my sake.

The World Has Held Great Heroes (8099 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Pacific Rim (2013)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Hercules Hansen/Stacker Pentecost, Chuck Hansen & Hercules Hansen
Characters: Stacker Pentecost, Hercules Hansen, Chuck Hansen, Newton Geiszler, Mako Mori, Raleigh Becket, Hermann Gottlieb, Caitlin Lightcap, Tendo Choi
Additional Tags: Fix-It of Sorts, Reunions, Road Trips, Kooky Kaiju Science, Guilt, Team Hot Dads, Drift Bond
Series: Part 3 of All They Had Lost

The wounds Stacker suffered in the blast from Striker Eureka’s payload are healing. It’s the fact that Herc has never been here that really hurts.

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Out of the past

May 2015

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